The Next Big Thing: Antisocial Networks

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Abstracts of business plans leaked from Sand Hill Road, the epicenter of future corporate icons and home to storied venture capital firms named after tall trees and taller people about whom they tell tall tales:

facethemusicbook
Facebook for those who recognize the time is nigh to accept the unpleasant consequences of their actions. Friends who link to you on facethemusicbook are like pieces of paper with black spots on them. The more black spots you have, the higher your probability of winning The (Shirley Jackson-esque) Lottery. Stoning by friends and family requires virtual stones, which you can conveniently buy with real money in the facethemusicbook store, making the site’s schemers richer than Carlo Ponzi in a trading pit. Bernie Madoff is such an important revenue stream that he recently got equity in the venture.

Foester
Friendster for people who hate you. The site offers a safe haven for your enemies to plot against you. It has become a magnet for monomaniacal super villains bent on the utter destruction of some of our favorite fictional superheroes. Anarky, Batzarro, Catwoman, Harley Quinn, and Two-Face number among its sworn Batman enemies. The Joker and The Penguin involuntarily opted out when they opted into LockedIn (see below). Much to the chagrin of Foesters everywhere, Mr. Freeze de-registered when he became Governor of California.

Sixteendegrees
Sixdegrees for people who have no friends. The chain of introductions required to reach your desired target is so daunting few ever even try. Members are fond of playing Sixteen Degrees of Alvin Tostig. Nobody has ever won. Ferris Bueller? B u e l l e r? B u e l l e r? There’s not a chance in Shermer High hell that Bueller’s a member.

BeatUp
MeetUp for people who want to hook up with people in meatspace and beat them senseless. Some example BeatUps include: BeatUp Enron, meeting in Houston; BeatUp Fannie & Freddie meeting in Washington, D.C.; BeatUp the Bailout, formerly meeting on Wall Street — next up Detroit. Barney BeatUps used to mean people with bats running down the street after a purple T. rex. Now they mean people with bats chasing after the Congressman from the fourth congressional district of Massachusetts. Curiously, both involve mean people and not-so-funny dinosaurs.

FirstBlackPlanet
BlackPlanet for those who still believe Bill Clinton is the first black President of the United States. Bill is the sole member. Weblogs show Jesse Jackson has repeatedly visited the registration page, along with Al Sharpton, and Alan Keyes. Keyes posted that Christ would never vote for Barak Obama. Christ replied that apparently Obama did not require his vote, and that, in any event, he was not a registered voter.

Stiffs
Eons for old souls who’ve dropped their mortal coils. Members are all dead, with inattentive heirs, on auto-renew. Extremely high margin business owing to no activity, no cost of goods sold, and no operating costs. It’s the closest thing to venture capital heaven — a highly profitable business without customers. It’s to die for. And for that reason, the site will ultimately surpass all social networks in membership, because as the late John Maynard Keynes said, “In the long run we’re all dead.”

LockedIn
LinkedIn for the digerati of the Big House. Everyone’s trying to get an introduction to the warden, who it turns out isn’t a member. The most popular question is ‘what’s the best escape route that doesn’t involve crawling through shit or swimming across shark-infested waters?’ The patent-pending censorship engine ensures no satisfactory answer will be posted. Paradoxically, the more offensive the customer, the more loyal and profitable he is. Bad is good for the LockedIn business model. Lifers get ten free introductions versus just five for those serving ten-year sentences. Death row inmates pose a challenge since modeling their “lifetime value” requires complex probability distributions and a lucky last-minute stay of execution. The site recently introduced video. Selections include: Shawshank Redemption, Escape from Alcatraz, and The Longest Yard.

TheirSpace
MySpace for everyone but you. The tagline for TheirSpace is: A place for friends, just not yours. If you’re a forty year old female PETA member from San Francisco who voted for Hillary Clinton, TheirSpace is populated by a seething crowd of twenty year old, gun-toting boys from Texas who wrote in George Bush for a 3rd term. If you’re Richard Dawkins, TheirSpace is Joel Osteen, Rick Warren, Billy Graham, Tim LaHaye and some one hundred million or so other god-fearing Americans.

assmates
Classmates for the bully set. Membership requires an authenticated recommendation attesting to your asshole-worthiness from those you’ve bullied. Biff Tannen got in on a George McFly recommendation. Flash Thompson made it on a good word from Peter Parker. Doug Niedermeyer has Flounder to thank for his membership. Should be one helluva(n) ass reunion.

aSmallerWorld
aSmallWorld for the dwindling European jet set and social elite who still have enough dough to make them set to jet no matter how bad things get. Many erstwhile members have traded down from jet set to JetBlue.

Bribe
Tribe for people who need to buy their friends. “Please, please be my friend. Please. Here’s my PayPal number.”

bitter
twitter for those gripped by intense antagonism, hostility, and hatred. A 140 character bitter pill. Here’s a “harsh” from Thomas Hobbes: “The life of man is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” And here’s one from a modern heavyweight of harsh, Mike Tyson: “Lennox Lewis, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart.” Bitter is a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent outbursts of rage. You suck!

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Newly Discovered Correspondence Between Adams And Jefferson

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June 15, 1826

Mr. Thomas Jefferson

Mount Vernon

Virginia, U.S.

My Dearest Friend,

I am under no illusion that posterity will grant me my proper due. Quite to the contrary, I believe the history books chronicling the Revolution will be a fiction from start to finish. The hero of which will undoubtedly be that clown Franklin. They will say Franklin accomplished this great deed and Franklin performed some other damned act. They will write of Franklin parting the Potomac and of General Washington springing to life from its waters, like Pegasus, in full uniform and on horseback. Eyewitness accounts will swear they saw Franklin electrocute (sorry, Freudian slip) electrify him with his wondrous lightning rod, and they will recount how the three of them, hair and mane standing on end, valiantly fought the British Empire, winning our independence by their efforts alone. Mark my word, there will not so much as even be a mention of the rest of us.

Ever and affectionately yours,

[SIGNATURE]

John Adams

* * * * * * *

Date: July 3, 1826

Recipient’s Fax#: 617.074.1776

Recipient: John Adams

Sender: Thomas Jefferson

Sender’s Phone#: 434.074.1776

MEMORANDUM

In reference to your letter of June 15, 1826, I will not accept our labors are lost. I shall not go into that good night without a hope that the truth about who set the flame of liberty ablaze is catching fire itself. Should the cloud of barbarism rain down despotism and douse the flames of liberty in this country, the history books must preserve the truth that you and I together were Prometheus in this revolutionary tale. That it was we, and not that clown Franklin (as you rightly refer to him), who gave the fire of liberty to this nation. The flames of liberty kindled on the 4th of July 1776 have become an inferno not extinguishable by the dribble of despotism. In the same way, we must ensure the truth about our holding up the Zippos is published too widely to be rewritten by the lies of jealousy.

P.S. You could not have experienced a Freudian slip since a quick web search reveals it will be more than fifty years until that esteemed scientist is scheduled to join this world. However, I understand what you meant.

* * * * * * *

DATE: Mon, 03 Jul 1826 16:37:44

FROM: 2ndpresident (at) gmail.com

SUBJECT: Re: Your letter

TO: 3rdpresident1234 (at) yahoo.com

CC: AbbyAdams (at) hotmail.com

TJ,

Don’t know about the history books, but I will make some edits to Franklin’s entry on Wikipedia, take him down a notch or two. Might take a while as it appears Ben is roundly revered in this age, just as I predicted. Damn him. Copying Abigail on this email in case she has any ideas. BTW, check out the new Zippo webpage at www.zippo.com.

Regards,

JA

* * * * * * *

IM from: Abby (at) aol.com

hi boys. consider using blogs, possibly even more important than history books. certainly read by more of the Revolutionati. cool Zippo url..:)

* * * * * * *

J – Saw message from Abby. Out of colony. Will embark on blog upon my return tomorrow. Zippo.

Ignore typos; message sent from Blackberry

* * * * * * *

T –

Saw pics of your trip on Flikr. You’re looking tired. Check out my Del.ic.ious tags for staying healthy.

Zippo,

Message sent from Treo

* * * * * * *

DATE:

FROM: tom (at) zippomail.com

SUBJECT:

TO:

Autoresponder

I’m not checking messages as I am on my deathbed.

*****************************************************

Thomas Jefferson

Formerly 2nd U.S. President

* * * * * * *

Google [ Jefferson ] Search

Jefferson inaugurates University of Virginia

Jefferson holds up Zippo as he dedicates new university…

www.uofv.edu/ – 23k – Cached – Similar pages

Jefferson writes children’s book

Thomas Jefferson, ex-president, author, and patriot, publishes his first children’s book. “Zippo the Hippo.”

www.zippothehippo.com/ – 37k – Cached – Similar pages

Jefferson: The lighter side

Zippo interviews Thomas Jefferson about politics, morality, tobacco, and his fondness for his Zippo.

www.zippointerviews.com/ – 54k – Cached – Similar pages

* * * * * * *

DATE: Tues, 04 Jul 1826 08:31:32

SUBJECT: TJ

TO: All

FROM: 2ndpresident (at) gmail.com

Thank Google, Thomas Jefferson still survives.

Zippo,

-J

* * * * * * *

From Ben Franklin’s weekly Podcast: Say It Again Ben.

Today we take a moment of silence to honor the passing of two of our founding fathers, two ex-presidents of our country, two of a kind – John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. Amazingly, they died just five hours apart, exactly fifty years to the day after George, George’s horse, and I freed our great nation from rule of England ‘s thumb.

Please raise your Zippos.

[Pause]

And now, back to our Ben Franklin Independence Day celebration. I’m Ben Franklin.

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