* Welcome to The Big Jewel, the WikiLeaks of literary humor. This week in her first piece for us Katelyn Sack takes aim at Julian Assange and his haters, otherwise known as the US government. And somehow the Walt Disney Company got in there, too. God bless America!

Enhanced Entertainment Techniques

By: Katelyn Sack

“Curbing piracy and making it easier to visit our country are straightforward and immediate ways to spur long-term job growth.” — Robert A. Iger, Walt Disney Company President and CEO, “Two Common Sense Ways to Improve the Economy,” The Huffington Post, Dec. 6, 2009

US corporate lawyers and government officials have recently come together to entice WikiLeaks editor-in-chief and alleged buccaneer Julian Assange and his mates to visit our country. Their collaboration has produced innovative plans — published for the first time here — to boost tourism and keep America safe by combining the best features of amusement parks and black sites. Here are a few of the resulting enhanced entertainment techniques.

Electrocuting Teacups — Bring the little ones along for an electrifying spin. Warning: attempting to board ride with more than 3 ounces of liquid on or in your person may result in death, disability, or detainment.

Waterboardwalk — Test your strength! Win a bear for your sweetie! Sign a release!

House of One-Way Glass Mirrors — Did you think we would never find out? Did you honestly believe no one would ever know? You’re so transparent. You make me sick. It’s not your fault, everyone’s done it. Only a monster would do that. Get it off your chest. Here’s a writing pad. We’re done here. I’ll be back after talking with the Chief. We’ll cut you a sweet deal. You’re a dead man. Wrong room. Fifteen years.

Tilt-a-World — Press the red button. Watch the world tilt to the left, then to the right. Watch as moderates are trampled by extremists, realists by utopians, minority Protestant football fans by majority pagan socialist World Cup fiends. Now you understand why we must liberate Tiltastan.

Balls Pit — Actually a pyramid within a pit. Still under construction – join us! Don’t forget your camera.

Colonoctopus — Snap on a neon orange jumpsuit and bend over for the world’s only Guantánamo Bay healthcare simulation outside Langley! Preparatory drink stands are located at the park entrance, along with your personal belongings.

Unfairest Wheel — Join your best pal, Pluto, for a scintillating tour of American historical plutocracy. Must be at least 5’11” and at most 120 pounds to ride.

Carousellout — So you want health insurance with vision and dental, and a steady pension? Paid vacations, parental leave, and guaranteed paychecks? Childcare, a 40-hour workweek, and a lunch break long enough to eat real food? Then don’t waste your time seeking American citizenship, unless you’ve already been offered a government job.

Bumper Czars — Pit drug lords on the government payroll against druglords not on the government payroll to help America win! Please keep arms and legs inside the armored vehicle at all times. On-site heroin purchase is discouraged, but be sure to stop by the Freedom Friends Café for some poppy tea, poppy seed cake, or smackaroons.

Giblet Fry — Did you know singed internal organs have 20 percent fewer calories? Snap, crackle, and pop your way to a lighter abdomen for only $9.95 a shock! Offer void in Continental US. Calorie and movement restrictions may apply.

Whack-a-Mole — This interactive 3D adventure illustrates what happens if you leak information about our enhanced entertainment techniques to Six Flags, China, or the New York Times.

American Idle — Compete with Sleepy, Dopey, and Blondie for fortune and fame by executing your best rendition of that timeless classic, “It’s a Galled World After All.” Better save this one for last — the line is torture.