One of our greatest fears is being attacked by a shark. Whenever we hear about them on the news or read about them in the paper we can’t help but shudder. Clearly, there is good reason for this. Getting attacked by a shark is absolutely devastating. Sharks are basically living submarines with razor sharp teeth and a hunger for warm blood. Because of the amount of fear that is associated with such an attack, I’ve decided to go through some of the ways I would try and survive the ordeal, because let’s face it, most people who are attacked by a shark are never attacked again, because they’re dead. I want to try and change that.
Before I talk about how I would survive a shark attack I first want to talk about how I can reduce my chances of being on the menu to begin with. One of the more obvious things I can do is stay out of the water. It has been statistically proven that you are 35 percent less likely to be attacked by a shark while in your home than in the ocean. That’s a significant decrease and should be taken seriously. If I do decide to go into the ocean I just have to be sure to play it safe. That means no swimming too far off shore, no eating raw hamburger, and no pretending to be a seal. I also want to steer away from any activity that could potentially cause myself to bleed, like slitting my wrists. Sure, it can be fun, but how will I feel if I accidentally kill myself and then get attacked by a shark? There’s absolutely no way I can survive this attack if I’m already dead, and that’s my objective, to survive a shark attack.
Now that I’ve gone through some of the obvious ways to avoid an attack, I want to get to the heart of the matter, having a shark encounter and living to tell about it. In order to accomplish this I need to hone my threat detection skills. I need to be able to look at a shark and know it’s a shark without even asking. This means utilizing all of my senses. If I see a gray triangle pop out of the water from afar, for instance, the best thing I can do is swim over and touch it. Is it smooth? Is it leathery? Is it eating me? All of these characteristics point toward shark.
Once I’ve determined that it is indeed a shark, it’s time to survive. One important thing I have to remember is to remain calm. Sharks are very outgoing and are attracted to commotion and excitement. If I want to survive I have to keep a low profile and avoid being the center of attention. This means no splashing, no screaming, and no dancing. I may even want to try discussing politics to really bore the shark into finding more interesting prey.
If this works and the shark swims away, great, but if it doesn’t then I have to continue to remain completely motionless until I’m absolutely certain the shark is chewing on me. At this point, once my leg is good and mangled, I have to keep one thing in mind: sharks are meat eaters. This is important because I’m going to contort my mangled leg to look like a piece of broccoli. With any luck the shark will take one look and be completely turned off.
If for some reason this doesn’t work, the only thing I can do is hold my breath, close my eyes, and hope the shark thinks I’m dead. Then, when it comes back around to finish eating me, I’ll suddenly open my eyes and it just might think I’m a zombie. The one thing I have working for me here is that 85 percent of sharks don’t know what a zombie even is. Most things won’t eat what they can’t recognize. This is survival. Anything is worth a shot, even head games.
If I remain calm and use these survival tricks I can significantly increase my likelihood of staying alive. I just have to keep in mind that sharks aren’t much different than you and me. They too need to eat, breathe, and are wary of zombies. With all of these facts at my disposal, I wouldn’t be surprised to find myself not only coming out of a shark attack alive, but with a story to tell.