To: The Mayor of the Munchkin City, in the County of the Land of Oz
Fr: A Group of Concerned Munchkin Citizens
Re: The Death of the Wicked Witch of the East, Etc.
The townspeople, barristers, and city fathers were all present when you declared a day of independence for all the munchkins and their descendants (if any!).
Following the killing of the Wicked Witch of the East (WWE), the coroner, who will go unnamed for the very good reason that he has no name, rolled out a “Certificate of Death.” It wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on. The nameless coroner averred (is that a word?) that he, and we quote, “thoroughly examined her (the WWE) and she’s not only merely dead, she’s really, most sincerely dead.” That’s fine, as far as it goes. But frankly, it doesn’t go very far.
We agree with the coroner’s conclusion that WWE is “physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead.” However, that is not enough.
As you know, the Barrister of Munchkin City, in the County of the Land of Oz, was specifically concerned about two legal aspects of WWE’s death…”we’ve got to verify it legally to see…if she is morally, ethically [dead]…” In addition, one of the city fathers wanted to know if WWE was spiritually dead as well. Those are the legal questions. It’s not enough to declare, as our unnamed coroner did, WWE most sincerely dead. It was your duty, Mr. Mayor, to press him further on this point. We contend you failed in your Mayoral duty.
Mr. Mayor, with all due respect, we collectively ask you, what were you thinking when you declared a day of independence based on the unnamed coroner’s inadequate testimony? Is WWE morally, ethically, and spiritually dead? We’ll never know. We will even settle for two out of three. Is the unnamed coroner qualified to make such a determination? What are his credentials, his training in such areas as morals and ethics?
What is spiritual death? Presumably, it is the separation of the soul from God. That’s heavy. Mr. Mayor, what say you? Are you confident that WWE is spiritually dead? Be honest. We know you are a politician, but try your best.
If the Mayor’s declared day of independence for all the munchkins and their descendants is based on the legal death of WWE, then we proclaim this proclamation null and void because as stated above, WWE’s legal death has not been satisfactorily determined. Therefore, it is our duty to take things a step further. The bust of Dorothy that currently resides in the Munchkin City, in the County of the Land of Oz Hall of Fame, which you ordered and approved, needs to be removed. Dorothy may not be “history,” as you so proudly declared, until we determine if WWE is positively and absolutely morally, ethically, and spiritually dead. Until then, we demand a retraction to the day of independence and re-handling of Dorothy’s bust. Not that bust. Get your mind out of the gutter.
The Lollipop Guild, The Lollipop Guild, The Lollipop Guild, and in the name of The Lollipop Guild, we demand answers regarding the sweetheart deal you made with that out of town supplier of yellow bricks. Surely standard red would have sufficed. Or, at the very least, alternating red and yellow bricks? Our munchkin tax dollars are on the hook for this bloated construction project and unnecessary sea of yellow.
Two words. Air space. We implore you to do something, anything, to tighten up the security of our air space. We’re constantly subjected to witches, both good and bad, appearing and disappearing in bubbles and in sudden fiery flashes (although admittedly this problem has lessened since the death of WWE). People and houses fall from the sky, not to mention those creepy flying monkeys hovering at all hours of the day and night. It’s unnerving. Members of The Lullaby League, The Lullaby League, The Lullaby League are freaking out. No one can get any rest. Surely, with the powers invested in you, some sort of controls can be put into place.
Every year it is the same thing. Our basketball team hasn’t won a game since…well, never, and this year’s draft is dismal. Frankly, we’re getting tired of asking for your help in this arena.
What on earth (we are on earth, aren’t we?) is happening with respect to our cease and desist request prohibiting Dunkin’ Donuts from sullying our good name with their donut holes?