GOD: Damn. I guess this’ll teach Me to go on vacation: I open my email and there are three hundred trillion new messages. About half of them were YouTube links to Sarah Palin invoking My name, so let me go through them point by point:
PALIN: “Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending them out on a task that is from God.”
GOD: Well, since you asked, let me set the record straight: I have never advocated for the invasion and occupation of Iraq. What I have advocated for, if anyone would freaking listen, is the invasion and occupation of Mauritius.
I know what you’re thinking: Mauritius? Wasn’t he Julius Caesar’s page boy or something? If only. As it happens, Mauritius is a pathetic excuse for a sovereign nation located on an island 560 miles east of Madagascar. An island which I created for only one reason: as a safe home for the dodo, the coolest bird EVER.
But what happened? Well, in the 17th century, a bunch of drunk Dutch sailors decided they hadn’t ruined enough pristine, uninhabited paradises, so they and their mangy domesticated animals took it over and guess what? A century later, no more dodos! Thanks a lot, dickweeds. Now the island’s human population is a toxic stew of French, British, Indian, African, Chinese, and who knows what else, and they haven’t done a single thing worth a damn since. Oh yeah, and a couple of their old postage stamps are worth like, half a bajillion dollars, so I guess that’s their excuse for sitting around all day swigging rum from paper bags and banging out cacophonous, seizure-inducing drum rhythms. Jerks.
Sure, I could wipe them all out with a tsunami or a plague. But frankly, that’s a little deus ex machina for My tastes. Nope, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as watching an inferior culture get a first class ass-whuppin’ courtesy of its fellow man. And I personally cannot wait a minute longer. But moving on…
PALIN: “I think God’s will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that [$30 billion natural gas] pipeline built. So pray for that.”
GOD: Again, I don’t know what God she was listening to, but I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about that natural gas pipeline. My will, which I clearly spelled out on Governor Palin’s English muffin on the morning of June 14, 2007, is to open up oil exploration rights in the Chukchi Sea. There’s some serious bling to be made there, and if there’s a spill, it’ll mostly kill whales and polar bears, which are both overrated in My opinion. If I could only think of a way for an oil spill in Alaska to wash up on the shores of Mauritius, we’d hit the jackpot.
PALIN: “All of this doesn’t do any good if the people of Alaska’s heart isn’t right with God.”
GOD: Like that’s ever going to happen. Right now, only about 38 percent of Alaskan people’s hearts are right with Me, which is slightly below the national average (thanks in no small part to the Smythe family of Valdez). Still, it’s a damn sight better than Mauritius, where the percentage is zero.
FROM PALIN’S CHURCH BULLETIN: ”You’ll be encouraged by the power of God’s love and His desire to transform the lives of those impacted by homosexuality.”
GOD: See, this is what pisses Me off about these evangelical churches: They spend so much time worrying about who’s hopping in bed with whom, and NONE whatsoever bombing certain East African island nations back to the Stone Age. Oh wait, they’re already in the Stone Age.
While we’re on the subject, did you know that “Mauritius” was the name of a critically acclaimed Broadway play last season? As if those smug twits didn’t have enough to swell their heads. I’ll tell you, nothing makes My blood boil like watching a bunch of Upper West Side yuppies nattering away over cappuccinos about the interplay of gender and violence in a play named after a piece-of-crap nation of cretins.
But seriously, I’m actually big advocate of gay rights, and oh, hell with it: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, SOMEBODY TAKE THE HINT AND INVADE MAURITIUS! It won’t be that hard! Even Lesotho could take these punks and they’re starving to death. All right, fine: Whoever leads the invasion gets his or her choice of 72 virgins, lifetime immunity from cancer, or a bump to the front of the line for a new Prius.
Want something else? Seriously, make me an offer. Those guys have it coming.