AskGod.com

By:

Moderator: Welcome to another live online chat with The Lord God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth. Lord, welcome back.

LG_Almighty: Thank you. It’s good to be here. I’d like to send a special shout-out to everyone at First United Congregational in Milford, NH. Happy sesquicentennial!

Moderator: The Lord has only a few minutes today, so send in your questions! Let’s get started:

Aggie57: hi god u rock

LG_Almighty: Thanks. It’s hard to rock when you’re my age. 😉

Aggie57: thanks 4 the nice day on wed. I went camping

Moderator: Aggie57, what is your question?

Aggie57: my brother got divorced last year and now he is going out with his ex-wife’s mom! she is like 15 years older than he is. I don’t think it’s a good idea but should I say anything?

LG_Almighty: Check out Leviticus 20:14. “If any man after marrying the daughter, marry her mother… he shall be burnt alive with them.”

Aggie57: so they will be burned alive?

LG_Almighty: Depends on my mood. But let’s put it this way: I wouldn’t sit near them at a barbecue.

Moderator: Thanks, Aggie57! rokindokken, you’re up.

rokindokken: Hello Lord, my name is Carl and I’m from Kansas City.

LG_Almighty: I know who you are.

rokindokken: Of course. Apologies. Anyway, here’s the situation: My dad is in his late fifties. He’s always been fairly gregarious but lately he’s become sullen and withdrawn. I can’t even get him to play badminton — a favorite pastime. He recently had minor back surgery. Do you think he’s afraid of losing control of his body? How can I show him that he can still be active?

LG_Almighty: The back issue is a red herring. Your dad is feeling guilt over assassinations he performed in the eighties for the Russian Mafia. Leave him alone and whatever you do, don’t open the basement freezer.

Moderator: LOL! Talk about skeletons in the closet. Here’s our next question.

izzkarryot : Hello I have a friend named Bob who is a really nice guy and he has a friend named JC who is also a really nice guy and JC did a lot of good things for people but he seemed a little manic and he was starting to say some crazy things and Bob was worried so he told some people who he thought would help JC but they arrested him and did bad things to him but Bob didn’t know they would do them so shouldn’t JC forgive Bob because he was just trying to do the right thing?

LG_Almighty: Judas, is that you?

izzkaryot: I don’t know who you are talking about. I’m Bob

izzkaryot: I mean my friend is Bob. I’m Albert

LG_Almighty: Judas, I’ve told you a thousand times, you had your chance. You should have asked forgiveness while you were still alive. I would have been happy to give it to you.

izzkaryot: you’re mean!!!!! Everyone here says I was robbed

LG_Almighty: I told Satan not to give him a DSL line.

Moderator: Sorry, Lord. I’ll put a block on him. Next question:

mo3293: who does the land of Israel rightfully belong to?

LG_Almighty: The Tibetans. And they’re going to come over and kick some serious butt after the Chinese Civil War of 2015.

Hector1nyc: HI GOD MY NAME IS HECTOR I HAVE 4 KIDS AM ON PUBLIC ASSISSTINCE NEED CASH WHO WILL WIN TIRD RACE AT PIMLCO THANXX!!

LG_Almighty: Cornhusker to win, Off-Peak Ticket to place, Jamaican Bobsled to show.

Hector1nyc: THANK U!!!! I WILL GO 2 CHURCH TOMAROW I SWARE! J J

Moderator: Confidential to greyfox4: You want the Living with Masculine Dysfunctions chat at 1 p.m., not the AskGod chat. For those of you staying on, Dr. Greg Sarukhanian will be right here live at the top of the hour; today’s theme is Prostate Complications. Back to God:

John2310: Hello Lord. I have been faithful to You all my life and have three beautiful children thanks to your Providence. Our youngest, Amy, has an extremely rare blood disorder called Kannerstein-Holzapfel Syndrome. She is having a bone marrow transplant on Monday and I was hoping that you would bless her and make the operation a success.

LG_Almighty: Gee, that’s a tough one. You’d be surprised how many prayers I get about Kannerstein-Holzapfel. I try to limit myself to one miracle cure a month and I’m already past my quota — if I do too many of them, they can’t really be miracles, can they?

John2310: But I’m only asking for this one thing…

LG_Almighty: Look, if it makes you feel better, little Amy can make the callbacks for the school production of Annie, although she’ll wind up playing Molly or Pepper.

Moderator: Thanks for your question, John2310! Tell Amy we said “break a leg!”

Beth: My name is Beth Levey. I am 8 years old. Can I have a pony?

LG_Almighty: What the heck. Sure.

Beth: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LG_Almightly: I was feeling bad about the bone marrow kid.

Moderator: I think that balances out your karma. Here’s another question.

J_I_Hadeez: Hi I have a friend named Bill and he’s a really nice guy and his friend Joe was a really nice guy

LG_Almighty: I’m not biting, Judas.

Moderator: Apologies again, Lord. Judas, I’ll remind you of the terms of your restraining order. As for the rest of you lurkers, send in your questions for God!

goveganSFO: Is it true that humanity was made in Your image?

LG_Almighty: Only Danny DeVito. Everyone else is just an approximation.

Cindysuperlips: why is there evil in the world?

LG_Almighty: Define “evil.”

Cindysuperlips: like when a kid puts a hamster in the microwave

LG_Almighty: I find that rather entertaining. In fact I designed hamsters specifically for that purpose.

Cindysuperlips:

Moderator: Cindy, are you there?

LG_Almighty: Sometimes I crack myself up.

Moderator: Just a reminder, folks, at 2 p.m. we’ll be chatting with Sea World otter trainer Kathy Kerrigan. Now more from our Heavenly Father:

RubaiWhat: why in the Koran does it say “Take not the Jews and Christians for friends?”

LG_Almighty: That’s a typo.

RubaiWhat: so what is it supposed to say

LG_Almighty: “Avoid the lamb chops at Akbar’s.”

RubaiWhat: that’s not even close

LG_Almighty: It is in Arabic.

Hector1nyc: I BET $500 DOLARS ON CORNHUSKER IN THE THRD AND HE CAME IN LAST!!! WHAT HAPPENNED???????

LG_Almighty: Oh, did you say the THIRD race? I was thinking of the second.

Hector1nyc: THAT WUZ MY RENT $$$$!!! NOW I GOT NOTHING

LG_Almighty: Pardon me! I should have been more careful to help a man who’s betting his family’s rent money at the horse track! Why don’t you spend your next $500 on some spelling lessons? Then maybe you’ll be able to write yourself a resume and land a decent job! Jeez Louise!

Hector1nyc: OK SORRY I NO I’M BAD

LG_Almighty: You’re not bad, Hector. You just need to get your priorities straight. Listen to the still small voice in the night; that voice is Mine, guiding your conscience. Open your heart and mind to Me, and I will never leave your side.

Hector1nyc: I HAVE $3 DOLARS LEFT TELL ME WHO WINS FORTH RACE I WILL USE IT FOR BUS $$$$ I SWARE

LG_Almighty: Screw him. Let’s move on.

Moderator: DaisyPop, you’re live with God:

DaisyPop: Hi my name is Daisy and I have a friend named Alice and she’s a good guy and her friend Jenny is a really good guy

LG_Almighty: All right already, Judas! Call my assistant, schedule an appointment for next Friday, we’ll talk.

DaisyPop: Awesome!!! Sorry I said you were mean — no offense 🙂

LG_Almighty: None taken.

Moderator: We have time for two more.

tigerlady: Hi God. I’m getting married in September. My fiancé and I wanted to elope but we decided to go with a small wedding — immediate family only. My parents are fine with it, but his parents want a really big wedding. I just don’t think it’s worth the expense. Thoughts?

LG_Almighty: Agree to the big wedding. You’re going to be hit by a bus in July so it’s all going to come out in the wash anyway.

Moderator: Enjoy it while you can, tigerlady! Remember, God is here live every Friday at noon, except on major religious holidays. Here’s our final question.

Janelevey: Why is there a pony in my daughter’s bedroom?

LG_Almighty: No comment.

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *