Dear Committee on The Life Time Achievement Award:
Thank you for your recent rejection letter in response to my application for The Life Time Achievement Award. I sympathize with your feeling that I’m inadequate for the award. I, myself, have often had that feeling before recalling my various potentials. In order to initiate a reconsideration of my application, I have attached an appendix to my Curriculum Vitae, which you may place before or after the references as you see fit.
I look forward to meeting each of you at the award ceremony.
Appendix One: Great Moments in History I Could Have Done
The Invention of the Wheel
When I look at a car I don’t think, “Hey, maybe that thing would go faster with square tires,” or “Sure that race car is fast, but what if it had triangular tires? Can I ask you that?” That is the kind of technical ingenuity that history expects from its greatest inventors. Plus, I have such a bad back that there is little surprise I would have been the one to invent something that would aid in the transporting of heavy loads.
According to archaeologists the first wheels were used over ten thousand years ago. Had I been born much earlier, I think there is good reason to believe that I could have come up with the idea for a wheel.
The Start of the Renaissance
Most people, they like boxes. Square, practical, clean, what have you. They use them. They store them. And they think inside them. Not me, though. I’m totally out of the box. I love getting people together and making something happen.
Further, I love the arts and am not really superstitious. If I had money, lived in Italy, and lived 600 years ago, I could have played a major role, if not the majorest role, in starting the renaissance.
The Discovery of America by the Vikings
A great discovery requires a combination of sweat, planning, and luck. Firstly, I am among the sweatiest guys you have ever seen. I’m the one with the messy brush of armpit hair on the basketball court, getting everybody else wet on the rebounds. I also get that atypical back sweat stain, just by walking down the street on a humid day.
Planning-wise, I can plan. I have a daybook and I’ve gone through it for the rest of the year, ticking off all my paydays. And, lastly, luck. Well, yesterday I found a crisp ten under my seat on the subway.
I’m clearly the kind of guy on whom such elements converge. Land ho!
The Discovery of America by Columbus
In 1492 Justin could have sailed the Ocean Blue. Had I done so, I think history would have found the outcome not unlike the one told about Columbus.
For example, I recently took a road trip to San Diego. Except I ended up in Little Rock. That is fairly typical of how I handle myself. The discovery of America could have been mine.
Photo Opportunity with Stalin, Churchill, Roosevelt
I have frequently had my picture taken. To my mind, standing next to, or even between, these three gentlemen is completely in the realm of my capabilities. I would have combined excellent posture with a pleasant smile and twinkling eyes.
Being the First Man to Walk on the Moon
Admittedly, I couldn’t have been an astronaut, being near-sighted, asthmatic, and afraid of flying. No matter. I could have taken the first step. And I probably would have said something really memorable like, “While I as an individual am moving forward only very slowly and a rather small space when you look at the vastness of the universe, this represents a much greater movement forward for all of humanity.”
I could have been the one to unveil this to the world in a 1983 television special. As things stand, at the time I was only five. But use a little imagination. I could have been a couple of years older. Having executed the Moonwalk, just as my fans were going crazy, I would turn to the camera and say, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. He, heeeeee.”
Coining Nike’s Slogan, “Just Do It”
My own temperament is such that I tend to try and reduce the number of words to an absolute minimum so that what I have to say is to the point, memorable, and yet still forceful and, where possible, majestic. If I was born before Nike came up with their current motto, I almost certainly would have been the one to come up with this slogan.
Also, I could have easily designed Nike Trademark symbol, The Swoosh (although I would have called it the “Super Thick Checkmark”).
Composing “Crazy Frog”
Sometimes a song rises up out of your heart. In a maniac fit, you record it and share it with the world. All of posterity hails you as an innovator. That could have been my story. I could have written the ring tone “Crazy Frog Axel F” This is just a variation of the theme song to Beverley Hills Cop which is the first and only song I learned to play on the piano. For that reason it seems natural that this would have been the one I had written. Indeed, that is just another of the many impressive things I could have done.