Early Working Titles

By: Sean Carman

Hero with a Bunch of Faces (Joseph Campbell)

The Trip (Homer)

The Scarlet Tooth (Nathaniel Hawthorne)

Big Girls (Louisa May Alcott)

1983 (George Orwell)

Barbara Karenina (Leo Tolstoy)

Appointment with Godot (Beckett)

Richard III: The Man Who Could Not Be Stopped (Shakespeare)

Huck and Jim’s Day Off (Mark Twain)

Oh Boy, Sex (Alex Comfort)

Yay, Cooking (Irma S. Rombauer et al.)

Great Outfit! (Charles Dickens)

Dorothy and the Failed Salesman of Oz (L. Frank Baum)

War and Breaks from War (Tolstoy)

The Grocer (Machiavelli)

Death of a Vacuum-Cleaner Salesman (Arthur Miller)

The Power of Not Thinking Negatively (Norman Vincent Peale)

O Sherpa! My Sherpa!

By: Steven Seighman

When I moved to Seattle, the booming economy was on a downslide, and all of the jobs were taken. The housing, too. And a good portion of the food. I spent a week living in a hostel, scouring the classifieds, and eating only spiders, packages of sugar, and, occasionally, sugar-covered spiders served on a bed of empty sugar packages. In the second week, through a stroke of luck, a lavish one-bedroom place opened up. It sat high atop the city, on Queen Anne Hill. The view was breathtaking, with all of the bright buildings laid out in front of me, below me. It was a beautiful place. And did I mention the view? Breathtaking.

Anyway, shortly after moving in, I got a job, too. It was something involving the wonderful world of the Internet, and was downtown, at the bottom of my hill. It was sure to provide me with piles of money and, as a result, make me a hit with the ladies. In short, it was breathtaking, too. On my first day, I decided to take advantage of what I thought was perfect health and walk to work. “Hello, Seattle!” I shouted as I made my way to the office, everything getting bigger and bigger as I descended the hill.

After pretending to read a bunch of training manuals all day, I learned that the walk home, up that menacing hill, was not as pleasant as the sweet stroll down it. “Goodbye, Seattle,” I grumbled as I slowly made my way up, my lungs gripping frantically for air, sweat rooting itself in my clothes, and my backpack weighing heavy on my back, as if it were a much heavier backpack.

When I finally opened the door to my apartment and fell to the floor, I had a vision. My vision was a horrible one, a grotesque image of a huge softball-sized spider perched atop a bag of Domino’s sugar. Luckily, that image passed, and I then remembered that during my stay at the hostel, I had seen a movie about Mount Everest at the IMAX theater. What I remembered, aside from that creepy guy who lost his nose and hands to frostbite, was that all of the climbers who were successful on their journeys had Sherpas to carry their equipment. This is what I needed. A Sherpa.

I logged onto the Internet and, after getting sidetracked for a few moments while considering the purchase of a wireless spy camera, I placed a want ad on a popular message board. Just minutes later, my ad, and my prayers, were answered. I had received an email from a man named Lopsang. It turned out that he worked in a Himalayan restaurant in the University District of Seattle with his grandfather. The old man had moved there fifteen years earlier with a dream of serving his culture’s delicacies to rich college kids at high prices, and now he was doing it, with his grandson’s help.

In his email, the young man lamented not being back home carrying heavy things up hills for wealthy Westerners. The work at his grandfather’s restaurant was light, he was bored with it, and yes, he’d love to come and be my personal Sherpa.

Lopsang moved into the basement of my building with his donkey, Robbie the Donkey. They both slept on a bed of old newspapers and old shoe insoles that I put on the floor of my storage unit in anticipation of their arrival. On our first morning together, Lopsang carried my backpack both to and from work. During the workday, he stood outside my building, next to Robbie the Donkey, who was tied to a bike rack and given a pail full of crab apples to munch on. When I came from the door that night, there they were, both just as I had left them, eager to work.

I saddled up on the donkey and we made our way up the hill, Lopsang keeping pace by our side with an ear to ear grin, and wide eyes full of love. It was his dream, to be carrying heavy things up a steep incline and then down again, and he was doing it. Thanks to me.

I would soon begin to add books and even more bags to Lopsang’s load, just to test him. And to my surprise, the more I gave him, the brighter his face would light up. One day he squealed like a piggy when I bought a new set of lead bookends and stuffed them into one of his packs. And when I had him disassemble the snooker table at work, carry it up to my apartment for a dinner party, and then bring it back down a couple hours later, the man actually jumped off the ground and tapped his heels together. This, my friends, was what happiness looked like.

On the weekends, I invited Lopsang up to the apartment to show my appreciation for his hard work. When he came inside, wearing the colorful Hello Kitty poncho that I had bought for him, he would cook me savory Himalayan dishes with the groceries that I had him walk to the bottom of the hill to get and carry back up. And, as the ingredients simmered on the stove, he would dust and vacuum. “This is my life. This is how I am supposed to live,” he said at the dinner table one night as he put a spoonful of pomegranate seeds into my mouth. “Mmmmph,” I said, nodding in agreement.

10 Increasingly Annoying Short Stories

By: Neil Pasricha

A Short Story, About Something Really Annoying

* You accidentally get locked inside your bathroom, which is full of mosquitoes.

* The mosquitoes keep trying to bite you but, just as you start trying to swat them, you realize that they may become your only source of food as the time inside this small bathroom wears on.

* You also realize that you are the mosquitoes’ only source of food and they will die if you stop them from drinking your blood, possibly depriving you of food in the future. So you take off your clothes, sit tightly on the toilet with your eyes clenched, and suffer mosquito bite after mosquito bite, just to fatten up the darned insects, so that you will have something to survive on when you begin to starve to death in a few days.

* Then, a couple hours later, when you’re covered in mosquito bites from head to toe, your buddy Ralph comes by and unlocks the bathroom door.

Moral: Do not lock yourself in a bathroom.


***


An Even Shorter Story, About Something Even More Annoying

* All the vacations to Belgium and France are booked up for spring break, so you settle for a trip to the slums of Colombia.

* Determined to still experience the taste of some fresh croissants purchased from a local bakery, you walk around the streets of Colombia until you find a bakery with a sign outside reading “We Are A Local Bakery Serving Fresh Croissants, Much Like A Similar Bakery Would In France.”

* You enter the bakery and are viciously beaten with a plastic bag full of stale rock-hard Kaisers.

Moral: Feel free to get locked in a bathroom. Just don’t try to buy croissants from a Colombian bakery again.


***


An Even Shorter Story Than The Shorter Story, And Definitely More Annoying

* You accidentally get locked inside a bathroom in a local Colombian bakery while attempting to buy a lemon tart.

* There are no mosquitoes inside this bathroom which you could fatten up on your own blood to eat later.

* There is, however, a ruthless baker covered in tattoos named Salianto inside the bathroom, who proceeds to pummel you to death with a bag full of stale rock-hard Kaisers and a comically large rolling pin.

Moral: Okay, add back the first moral about not locking yourself in bathrooms. And change the second moral to include all baked goods, not just croissants.


***


Even Shorter Than The Last Story, And Even More Annoying Too, Even Though The Last Story Included Your Own Death Which Probably Really Burned You Up

* At your funeral, your friend Ralph does the eulogy, and he tells everyone about how you were killed by being beaten with a bag full of stale rock-hard Kaisers and a comically large rolling pin.

* Everyone laughs, and a few people make rolling-pin gestures.

Moral: In the future, make sure morals from your past really annoying stories include more details about how to avoid death.


***


A Shorter Story That’s Possibly Even More Annoying Than Dying and Having Your Friends Laugh At You At Your Funeral, If That’s Even Possible

* During the funeral, your long-lost brother Raoul, separated from you at birth, runs into the room with a suitcase in each hand, a scrapbook with old newspaper clippings hinting at your whereabouts, and two tickets to France for spring break.

Moral: Who told you to go to Colombia anyway? I don’t remember the moral of the first story mentioning that sensible piece of advice. Clearly, there are a lot of issues at work here, not the least of which is your jaunting off to dangerous South American slums and killing yourself. What’s the point of morals if you never take their advice?


***


The Story Where You Enter The Action In The First Person, Blow The Increasingly-Shorter-Story Rules Out Of The Water, And Come To Near Blows With Your Moral-Spouting Alter-Identity

* I’m not to blame here! Who knew that a ruthless baker would beat me to death inside a Colombian bakery? Nobody, that’s who. Your pointless morals certainly didn’t warn me. Don’t eat croissants? What kind of moral is that?

Moral: You’re so predictable and whiny. I could have just read the title and skipped the body of the story, that’s how predictable you are. You’ll probably argue with me in the title of the next story. Get ready everyone, here it comes!


***


The Death Of The Moral-Spouting Alter-Identity

* If what you say is true, then this should probably kill you once and for all.

Moral: Ah, but it didn’t. And do you know why?


***


The Story Where The Moral-Spouting Alter-Identity Reveals That He Has Taken Control Of The Story Titles And Can Never Die

* No!

Moral: Oh yes!


***


What’s The Point Of Going On? The Hero Is Dead. He was Killed In A Colombian Bakery. He Isn’t Coming Back. The Only Real Mystery Left In This Story Is The Identity Of Me, The Moral-Spouting Alter-Identity Who, For Some Reason, Takes Great Pleasure In Abusing Our Hero

* Ralph? Is that you? Thanks for letting me out of the bathroom, man, but seriously, what’s up? The funeral thing was pretty funny, but these shenanigans have gone too far. A joke’s a joke, man. Ralph? Lay off it. Please just let me rest.

Moral: Say hello to your brother.


***


The Ultimate End

* Raoul, no! But why! Why!

Moral: Because I wanted to go to France! I spent months trying to find you, and bought non-refundable airline tickets so we could go on a vacation together and learn about each other’s lives. I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted us to be together. But what do I find when I finally get to you? You’re dead, man. You went on a stupid Spring Break trip and got yourself killed. I missed the flight to France because of your wake. I will never forgive you for the heartbreak you’ve caused me. I will always desire what I cannot have. So rest, dear brother. But do not rest in peace.

Moral: Don’t buy nonrefundable airline tickets

Welcome To Mosesville

By: Ernst Luchs

The rough-hewn sign read, “Welcome To Mosesville, Home Of The Twelve Tribes, State Football Champs 1989.” On either side of the sign stood a totem pole which featured twelve crazy-looking faces. A grey-haired man stopped his car, took a picture of the totem poles, lit a cigarette and then drove on towards town. He pulled into the first gas station he came to and inquired, “I was told I might be able to find here a Miss Helen Slenderhoof, daughter of Felix Von Peckerpuss, alias Doctor Helmut Fink.”

“She no come here no more,” said the swarthy hunchback from behind his black veil. “She kaput. Vamooshka. Fräulein a-go-go.”

A sneer of impatience came to the vistor’s face. “Look, my name is Karl Trouzerpantz. I’m a hunter of Nazis. But you are in no danger. I hunt only the Nazis and their spiritual counterparts, the Saudis.”

The gas-station attendant’s eyes widened in amazement. “You don’t believe me?” asked Karl. “I will show you.”

He opened the trunk of his car. It contained a small arsenal: rifles, handguns, boxes of ammunition, a couple of peashooters, and also a burlap sack labeled BAIT. “Ten thousand dollars in gold Krugerrands,” explained Mr. Trouzerpantz with a smile. “All Nazis are driven mad by gold. If you had been one I would already have caught you scratching at my trunk lid, howling like a hungry jackal. Now if you’ll tell me where the townspeople are hidden, I’ll give you a baby dinosaur.”

The attendant suddenly ran back inside the station and jumped, screaming, through a trapdoor behind the cigarette machine. His echoing cries faded into the darkness below. “Suicide,” thought Karl. “How refreshing.” He flicked his cigarette into the hole that might as well have been a bottomless ashtray. He had heard of such things.

Karl got back into his car and drove into the seemingly deserted town. On the outskirts was a barbershop. A faded sign posted outside read, “Haircut: $87. Shoeshine While You Wait Forever: $27.50.”

Beyond that place, the street widened until it reached the town square. It was laid out like a genuine Bavarian beer garden, complete with lush, ivied trellises and repugnant statues of Cupid. The fountains were, in fact, flowing with beer. That, along with the scattered piles of discarded lederhosen and black lingerie, was a telltale sign of a recent drunken orgy. Karl shuddered in disgust. He couldn’t bring himself to step out of the car for a more thorough inspection. No doubt Helen Slenderhoof was gone from here and well on her way to some other playground for the rich and filthy rich. No doubt her stereo was playing John Philip Sousa marches at full blast. No doubt she was making love at that very moment, giggling in the arms of some fascist gigolo while the world went to hell.

Karl took a stick of gum from his pocket and chewed it fiercely. Tears came to his eyes and he drove away.

Of Love

By: Kurt Luchs

The following essay is excerpted from “50 Card Tricks You Can Do from Beyond the Grave, or Lost Writings of Francis Bacon.” A maelstrom of controversy has surrounded the recently published manuscript, which was claimed to have been discovered by a Chicago butcher, Charles Gorgopopolis, within the entrails of a slaughtered pig.

Since Bacon died in 1626, that would make the pig over 375 years old, and there are other hints that the book may be apocryphal. In several of the essays the English philosopher refers to his readers as “youse guys” or “regular Joes,” and he makes frequent mention of the Sears Tower and microwave ovens. Although the ink was still wet when he brought the pages to the publisher, Gorgopopolis swore they were written by Bacon, or Bacon’s wife, or at the very least Shakespeare, or possibly Shakespeare’s wife — but definitely someone wearing a goatee.

Authentic or not, the book provides remarkable insight into a man described by some as “a genius for all time,” and by others (including the pig) as “a real stinker.”

***************************************************

“Love hurteth the heart as a dead mackerel doth offend the nostrils.” Thus spake the Greek general Alcibiades after Socrates had utterly refused his advances for that, as the philosopher saith, “They were not cash advances.” Indeed, for some, love and money are one, although love doth not pay quarterly dividends. Heraclitus hath called love, “That which one cannot step in twice without wiping one’s sandals.” Verily, Heraclitus was an ass.

We may distinguish four varieties of love: the love of parents for their children (when properly seasoned); the love of a boy for his dog; the love between two dogs, a lord chancellor and a bishop in garters; and most wondrous rare, the love between man and wife — so long as it be someone else’s wife. One may also speak of the love between a man and a suit of chain mail, but it would be wise to do so in a whisper if there are others present.

Yea, nor should we confound common love with true love. Common love, or as Chaucer hath writ, “a litel on the side, with bosoms,” is fit only for beasts and advertising account executives. True love, it will be seen, is always signaled by a rash upon the tongue and abdomen, to which diverse ointments may be applied without relief. If a man feel love for a lady, or even for his wife, he will not dip her hairpiece in a blood pudding or break a 16-piece stoneware dining set upon her brow, although when no one else is looking he may slap her lightly about the face and neck with his broadsword, in jest as it were.

Lastly is the love of heaven and things holy. As Dante hath made note in his crippled rhyme:

“Before mortals would know their Creator’s heart,

They first must send candy, or a thank-you card.”

Oft hath it been said in truth, Dante was an imbecile, yet he had beautiful handwriting. For God, like the Marines, is looking for a few good men…better men than Tom Cruise, one can but hope. And the love of God will take all good men on a holy pilgrimage, or perhaps a hayride to Hell — the scriptures are not always clear. But if thou shouldst chance to make pilgrimage to Chicago, and if thou hath a taste for fine porklike killing floor remnants, be sure to pay homage to the Gorgopopolis Sausage Emporium.

Preserve

By: Gregory Hischak

We climbed slowly out of a pale thicket of aspens, working our way up the shoulder of a ridge until we reached a wide plateau of sage grasses. It was there that we spied them: grazing in a tight pack about 50 yards ahead of us, a herd of seven senior account coordinators.

“You can tell they’re senior by the size of their horns,” my companion remarked, handing me the binoculars.

Realizing that they were being watched, the account coordinators warily turned their large dark eyes upon us. Their shoes glistened in the dew and their well-combed manes gleamed in the clarity of high-desert light. Hesitantly, the herd approached, their lanky, trousered limbs rustling through the short scrub sage, until they were a short distance from us. There they stopped as the most senior of the senior account coordinators, a mature male in a majestic blue Armani and pale yellow tie, came forward to hand us his card:

Travis Marquist

Senior Account Coordinator

Travis seemed to be the dominant male of a herd which consisted of two other males, three females and one small faun-like intern who might have just been hired that spring.

Travis suggested that we do lunch sometime, and my companion and I told him we certainly would have to do that — sometime. He watched us pocket the card and, seeing no appointment forthcoming, quietly turned around to rejoin his herd.

Slowly, the account coordinators ambled away across the plateau, Travis taking up the rear. He interrupted his doleful gait every few feet to turn and regard us, perhaps to get a sense of whether we would pursue or not.

Receding farther and farther, becoming smaller and smaller, they finally disappeared over a low rise where Travis, still the last in view, stopped at the crest to observe us one last time. He brought his hand up to his cheek, extending thumb and pinky in the universal gesture of “we’ll talk.”

Framed against the cerulean sky, he sniffed the air, adjusted his tie and silently vanished over the horizon.

W’s Puzzle No. 43

By: David Martin


Empty Crossword

Across

1 An axis of evil

4 Secretary of Defense

8 Poppy’s former boss

9 Auto org.

10 George Jetson’s dog

12 Sore Florida loser

13 Abbreviated whinny

14 Some Latin thing for “that is”

16 Former favorite beverage

17 ‘De facto’ President

20 Osama’s virgins

21 Keep to the ground

23 Definitely not a reason for war: Arab oil (abbrev.)

24 “Not over my dead body” collection agency

27 My ____ , John Ashcroft

28 North Dakota Association of Endocrinologists and Ophthalmologists

29 Belongs to Poppy (abbr.)

31 Go _ _ _: Got two

32 Texas spud

33 Beef grader

Down

1 Another axis of evil

2 Yellow of Texas

3 Bill Clinton

5 Bad Asians

6 Useless degree

7 My alma mater

11 Scrambled vowels

15 Favorite corporate donor

18 Dead Vietnamese guy

19 Old McDonald exclamation

21 Home of liberal losers

25 Least favorite activity

26 Current favorite beverage

30 Egyptian sun guy

Solution:


Tsk Of The D’Urbervilles

By: Kurt Luchs

In the bright, grassy Midlands of England rises the slightly fictional county of Wesson — a dark ink spot of tragedy among the happily blank pages that surround it. The air is heavier there, oppressive with the sense of eternal sadness and inescapable gloom. The sun does not shine on Wesson, for it has been banned by municipal decree. Neither flowers nor any other living things will bloom there, and the plowmen who homeward plod their weary way raise only Druidic stones from their cursed ash-gray fields. These stones their bony wives bake into a rough black bread very good for the soul but very bad for the teeth. Even this hard fare is thought too kingly by some of the sterner natives, who would rather suck an ice cube than eat a pagan meal. The inhabitants of Wesson know it is no use. They have given up.

Birds will not fly over the county, and the Wesson birds themselves don’t fly at all, remaining stoically perched in the bare trees that blight the countryside. Only when pierced by a sudden, ineluctable sorrow will they cry out, and then only with a mournful death-shriek as they plummet heartbroken to the ground. It was just such a luckless fowl that fell upon the brow of Tsk Durbeyfield where she sat weeping beneath a petrified oak. Though partly concussed and no child of fortune herself, Tsk took the rook in her arms and crooned a pitiful prayer into its dead eyes.

But the bird was not yet dead. With amazing alacrity it rallied to her tune and in its dying frenzy fastened its beak on her nose. For the world is as cruel as its maker, and He cares not a fig if a crow should peck a girl’s face off — even so beautiful a one as Tsk.

Without quite knowing why, she was ashamed. She had not sinned, but she was guilty. After all, there was a dead bird hanging from her nose, and that sort of thing simply was not done in Wesson — at least not in polite society. Like a woodland creature, Tsk knew instinctively that she was the living antithesis of Victorian hypocrisy and repression, yet she also sensed dimly, like the House of Lords, that through a succession of historically inevitable degradations her bucolic existence was fated to end in unearned suffering. And it occurred to her what a smashing novel it all would make, if only Sidney Sheldon had published in the 19th century, or Thomas Hardy in the 21st.

Then she thought of her family — of her father, Mr. Durbeyfield, known somewhat enigmatically as “Sir Speedy;” of her mother, known even more enigmatically as “Mrs. Durbeyfield;” and of her four younger sisters, Liza Lu, Little Lulu, Lockjaw and Old Black Joe. How could she face them now? She laughed bitterly when she recalled their despicable poverty. Why, they were so poor they could not even afford to give her a middle name, and she had to use her first name twice: Tsk Tsk. Was it any wonder she had fallen so far from grace? With girlish simplicity she reflected on the combination of socioeconomic factors that had run her like a rabbit into the briar bush of morality. It was all so confusing! Perhaps Lucifer Jones could help her unravel it. Dear Lucifer — so good, so strong…and so deathly dull. She covered her face with her burlap shawl and went to him.

“Tsk!” he exclaimed, “how good to see you at the vernal equinox. Isn’t it grand? I’ve developed a new method of corn blight control. Shall I tell you about it?” He did, and she fell asleep instantly. As he gazed at her veiled charms he felt a reckless impulse to make a new type of feed sack out of her shawl. But when he pulled the coarse cloth back from her face he recoiled in disgust.

“You — you aren’t the woman I loved,” he stammered.

“Then who am I?” Tsk replied huskily, like an ear of corn.

“Another woman in her shape, with a feathered carcass attached to her proboscis.” Though only a simple millionaire’s son, he knew his Latin, and could conjugate dead verbs in a way that melted a girl’s heart. Tsk wept anew as Lucifer strode briskly away from her.

“Where are you going?” she cried.

“To discover some new sort of threshing device made out of human teeth — but also to find a girl who doesn’t consort with dead specimens of any of various large glossy black oscine birds of the family Covidae and especially the genus Corvus. Farewell!”

Tsk, wounded to her soul, took comfort in the knowledge that she was not merely a backward Durbeyfield but an atavistic d’Urberville, one of a long degenerate line of anemic aristocrats whose skeletons rotted in decrepit Wesson tombs. How soothing this secret was! For when all was said and done the d’Urbervilles were only Durbeyfields, and the Durbeyfields only d’Urbervilles, and in the eyes of God neither mattered more than a dead crow.

Mission Statement

By: J. Pinkerton

Great business drives powerful business results. And the key to getting great business is to develop new and customized approaches to leadership and strategy, by enabling effective, productive change, aligning your core competencies with your business vision and value proposition and solution propositions and also partnership.

Keep a step ahead of the competition with solutions that work full-time for you with unpaid overtime. At Genericorp, we will partner with you proactively across all vertical markets to align your strategy, mission, and objectives with other things that are dynamic and raise performance levels with synergy. We will also drill down into just-in-time best-of-breed productivity optimization, thus enhancing all facets of your strategy and allowing you to consistently excel proactively. By aligning your business vision to your processes, we will leverage synergies throughout your value chain and fly around all over the place, like over buildings. That is our value proposition. Oh, strategy!

Discover the way the world does business, with Genericorp, your just-in-time best-in-class I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-butter solutions management performance specialist provider engineer solution experts. Team up proactively to partner on customized “what-if” scenarios through outside-the-box paradigms and comprehensive implementation plans. Have I said synergy yet? I can’t stress that enough. Also, Gantt charts.

Genericorp: Because if you don’t collaborate to achieve entrepreneurial spirit while leveraging target-market productivity with consultative excellence and resources and expertise to enhance peak performance across your integrated corporate culture 24/7 drill-down high-level blue-sky management ISO-9002 industry expert value chain, who will? It’s web-based and cost-effective! And just-in-time! Synergy, you imbeciles! Communication enhancement! Am I talking into a bag of socks? Get over here and proactivate!

Page’s Guide To Birds

By: Ed Page

HUMMINGBIRD: The name “hummingbird” is something of a misnomer since a hummingbird doesn’t actually hum. However, this bird is by no means anti-music. The hummingbird is a big fan of karaoke and, when listening to a favorite song on the radio, is not above tapping its foot.

BARN SWALLOW: The barn swallow got its name from its ability to swallow an entire barn in one gulp. Considered a serious nuisance in farming communities.

PENGUIN: Penguins are awkward on land and cannot fly, but they are extremely graceful swimmers. Penguin experts often say that what penguins do underwater is not swimming, it’s “underwater flying.” They call the actual flying that most birds do “airborne swimming.” Penguin experts are eccentric in many other ways and have few friends.

OWL: One of Nature’s most contemplative creations, this bird is always thinking (unlike the Brazilian thinker bird, which only thinks it’s always thinking). Thus, owls, their brains toned and bulging from constant use, can solve the Saturday Times crossword in less time than it takes to swoop down and kill a small vole. Also good at Scrabble.

BALD EAGLE: This species is famous for its ability to see things from far away. For example, bald eagles knew that Tom and Nicole were headed for Splitsville long before anyone else.

MALLARD DUCK: This bird comes in two varieties: real and decoy. Real mallards are the life of every party and are known for their ability to “quack everyone up.” Decoy mallards, on the other hand, are considerably less successful socially. Ornithologists often remark on their tendency to “just sit there.”

STORK: Famous as “the bird that brings the babies,” the stork is beloved by just about everyone. It holds a particularly special place in the hearts of couples with young, stork-brought children. What these couples don’t know, however, is what a uterus is for, and what their sex parts do, and what the word “pregnancy” means.

ROBIN: A purely fictional species. Although the robin has long been thought to exist, it doesn’t. (If you think you see a robin, look again. Your “robin” is probably just a small hopping dog.)

MOOSE: The world’s largest bird, the moose is also one of its most unusual. Moose are not only flightless; they also don’t have any noticeable beaks or feathers. And, instead of wings, the moose has what ornithologists call “antlers,” bony hatracklike protrusions which are located on its head, of all places. (The female moose doesn’t even have these, and, for the life of her, can’t think of what she did with them. “I must have put them down somewhere when I got the phone,” she says, looking around.)