Thirteen Ways of Hitting Some Guy With a Rock

By:

I

Among 20 snowy parking lots,

A rock was all I had.

So that’s what I hit him with.

II

I hit him with the rock three times,

Three ways.

The fourth time, he got the point.

III

I found myself doing pantomime in a children’s shoe store in Pewaukee,

Wearing a diaper, and an ascot, and some stilts.

I thought: I never hit a guy with a rock like this before.

IV

The rock was Xeno’s Arrow,

Never quite where it was going,

But I couldn’t let go until it got there.

V

Just after, I looked at the rock’s gray face and carmine edge.

I thought of the quarry it had come from

And all the other rocks there.

VI

My arm’s tired

From swinging this damn rock to and fro.

But I’d like to hit some guy just one more time.

VII

It’s about lunchtime, and all I’ve got is a rock,

Which I’m hitting some guy with.

I sure wish you could eat a rock, sometimes.

VIII

Ahhh. Hear that accent?

‘Crunch’!

I think I hit that guy just right.

IX

The Thunderbird’s gone.

I’m indenting some guy’s head

With many circles.

X

I was hitting some guy with a rock,

And he cried out sharply

You’re not hitting me with a rock!””

XI

I’d put this rock

Down, forever.

If I could.

XII

Ha ha! Listen! Vibrating in the perfect after,

Like Odysseus’ bowstring.

Can anyone hit some guy with a rock like me?

XIII

I don’t know.

Snow, snow, snow, then KONK, out of nowhere,

This beautiful, beautiful rock just hit me.

Share

The Remedial Observational Comic

By:

Ever notice how it’s always the women who have breasts? What’s up with that?

I swear, every analog watch I’ve ever bought runs clockwise.

You know what weighs a hell of a lot? An elephant. You don’t want one of those mamas dropped on your head.

I got nothing against immigrants, but I’ll tell you, with very few exceptions they all talk funny. There’s a Vietnamese family that does my dry cleaning; I can’t understand a word those people are saying.

Let me say this about milk: The newer the better.

Has this ever happened to you: You’re sitting at home, you realize you need something — like eggs or a stapler — so you get some money, you go to a store, you walk in the store, you find what you’re looking for, you go up to the counter and pay for it, and then you go back home? Three, four times a week I have the same experience. It’s eerie, man. Freakin’ eerie.

You know what stains like you wouldn’t believe? Permanent marker.

Here’s a big difference between cats and dogs: You breed a dog with another dog, they’ll go to town. You breed a dog with a cat, neither one of them is interested.

Is it me, or do all those UPS guys all dress alike?

Have you ever noticed when someone starts talking to you, he’ll turn around and face you while he’s talking? Do you know these people? It’s not enough that they’re talking to you, they’ve gotta look at you at the same time?

I have never once met a man who shaves in the dark. What is that about? Are we all scaredy cats or something?

Why aren’t there any black people in klezmer bands? Can somebody explain this to me? Is there some kind of Afro-Semitic race rivalry going on that I don’t know about?

You know what would really suck? A lifetime of poverty, disease, and starvation, followed by a brutal execution for a crime you didn’t commit at the hands of a sadistic military dictatorship. Suck-o-rama.

Is it my imagination or are celebrities generally more attractive than the average person?

You know, you bring up the Holocaust during foreplay and it totally kills the mood.

Share

I Wish I Were A Chinese Superman

By:

I wish I were a Chinese Superman,

I’d put on a red velvet jumpsuit

with black gauntlets and a cape,

grow a big Fu Manchu moustache

and I’d save the whole world,

just for you.

On Monday I’d whiz around Hong Kong

rescuing orphans from burning slums

and beating on the guilty.

Tuesday I’d fold Tianamen tanks

into origami swans,

deliver bon mots to the foreign press

while frying assassins

with my laser-heat vision,

and later,

maybe take some old people out to a buffet.

Wednesday I’d team up

with Cleopatra Wong,

the shotgun-toting secret agent

disguised as a Carmelite nun,

and together we’d wreak such weird justice

that any murderers, rapists, frat boys

or bicycle muggers still standing

would be in therapy for so long

they’d never trouble anyone again.

Thursday I’d use my Chinese Super-brain

to perfect that crushing Wu Shu kick,

then I’d spend the afternoon

zooming around the docks of Shanghai,

cutting Tong bosses in half with my shins.

Friday I’d remedy the drug problem,

cleverly ingesting all the narcotics in China.

Saturday…

Saturday I’d probably sleep in.

Sunday I’d liberate the money

from the coffers of crime bosses,

corrupt officials and devious religious types,

and I’d give every penny of it to — well, actually,

I’d probably spend a lot of it.

I’d buy you some great stuff, though,

Lambourghinis for all my friends, and,

as befits a super-hero,

I’d get myself

the biggest pile of comics you ever saw.

But after that, definitely,

I’d build an orphanage

out of, like, diamonds and Waterford crystal,

and I suppose if they were careful orphans

they could read my comic books

when I was done with them.

Aw, crap.

Even in a poem

I can’t be very good

for very long.

But I’d try,

oh, baby, how I’d try.

And one night

when all of China’s feeling blue,

one night when I’m not saving the world

or sleeping off a Chinese super-bender,

that night

I’ll fly thirty thousand feet

into the evening sky,

translate the Mighty Blue Kings

into Mandarin,

and I’ll sing,

I’ll sing until the whole world

moves in rhythm

with a billion pairs of Chinese feet

all dancing to the same sweet tune.

And up in the night

where no one can see me,

I’ll practice my swings and clumsy dips

alone through the clouds,

and I’ll be Chinese, and super,

and thinking of you.

Share