This is a strange area of the country, its cuisine matching its clam rivers and mystic flattened foods.
Submitted by: Martha Stewart of New York City, New York
“This is an excellent recipe. Although it requires quite a bit more time than I’d originally bargained for.”
Preparation time: 3 years
1 TV crew
12 dozen chicken eggs, beaten
1 truckload of milk
16 cases of butter
1 contract, drained
3 publicists, crushed
1/2 tsp. salt
6 weeping assistants
1 phone call
Preheat one oven to 325 degrees F. Pretend to preheat the other. Attend endless meetings. Grease 15 casserole dishes. Berate assistants.
Place a layer of crushed eggshells in the bottom of 1 garbage can. Layer garbage neatly. Receive phone calls. Make phone calls. Get up early. Be driven.
Get script. Make revisions. Practice smiling. Make assistants cry.
Add butter, 1 tsp.
Go to jail.
Reinvent self. Start another magazine. Receive plaudits of employees. Go to work every day. Try not to be too lonely.
Assistants weep in the hallway.
Submitted by: Gwang Ho of Never, New Jersey
“Not wishing to quite far. So being so. It can be said.”
Preparation time: Not so bad, considering
A whole bunch of chickens
200 little outfits (sailor, ballerina, etc.)
A lot of packaged stuffing mix
A real big plate or platter (platelet will not do)
Dress chickens in little outfits. Prepare stuffing per package instructions.
Boil or fry the chickens, it hardly matters which.
Stuff cavities, including pockets in outfits. Prepare individual coffins, reserving about 20 for ashes later.
Scorch about 20 chickens. Reserve ashes.
Serve with funereal music. Sprinkle ashes on top.
Perhaps the most normal-appearing section of the country, this flat land, with its rivers lower and its cities higher, still manages to produce some of the food we fear most.
Submitted by: R. Popeil of Chicago, Illinois
“But wait, there’s more…”
Preparation time: 1 crazy moment
1 murdered husband
2 cases of tomatoes
Case of onions
1 tsp. vinegar
1 hands-free microphone
1 tsp. salt
Whisk microphone and amplifier until fluffed. Combine tomatoes and onions. Invent scalp-dye with vinegar and pepper. Hide. In a medium bowl talk quickly and convincingly. Hope for the best.
Submitted by: Unnamed of Edge of Nowhere, Indiana
“I don’t care what they think! It’s just eat, eat, eat! Disgusting!”
1 small turkey
A toilet bowl
Preparation time: It sneaks up on you…
Leave nothing to the imagination, leave nothing on the tiles, leave nothing that would create a trail back to you. Leave early, claiming some emergency or other.
Submitted by: Tandom Koolzip of Peeorhea, Indianolapolis
“This is a recipe that was tossed to me by someone claiming to be my grandmother.”
Preparation time: Instantaneous
Someone to throw eggs at
That’s all she wrote. In old-fashioned script.
Submitted by: Big “Chief” Tom of Kansas City, Kansas
1 doz. oysters
1 gal. bourbon whiskey
Get oysters drunk on whiskey. Put them in a cab. Give driver cab fare and tell him to take them to Kansas City.
The sound of cars in the night, the long trail of asphalt, writing things down on long rolls of waxed paper on top of small refrigerators…
Submitted by: Dean Moriarty of Denver, Colorado
“Man, I gotta get me some coffee. We gotta stop soon, man. What was that? Did you feel that?”
Preparation time: 10 minutes, at most
1 cup bread tips
1 lb. tater tots
2 tsp. pine nuts
2 cans corn niblets
An Unformed Being
Throw things around. Add things. Drink alcohol. Smoke. You’ve crossed that intersection for the last time.
Submitted by: Juan Guadalupe of Quitobaquito, Arizona
“Park and Lock it. Not responsible.”
Crate of oranges
Do the math.
The perfectly possible is always near. This region, though largely ignored, is full of food.
Submitted by: Elmer Batters of Hollywood, California
“I’m probably dead, but you wouldn’t know it to look at me.”
2 plastic, see-through, 5-inch tall high heels
Flouncy apron with clever sayings
Pink frilled trim (for apron)
Several pies, lattice-top and otherwise
A dim red light
Preparation time: Dreaming and drifting away
Elude capture. Stand for hours in darkrooms with red light. Ignore greenhouse gases. Ignore deposits. Ignore erosion and gross inadequacies, stubbornness and melted polar ice.
Bring ingredients to a boil.
Serve 3 degrees hotter than ever before.
Submitted by: Andrew Wamasake of Gardena, California
A lot of water
Large drinking glass
Preparation time: Maybe 5 hours
Run chicken around and take its temperature. Give the chicken a couple of options. Leave chicken alone a lot. Make sure chicken has a lot of water in its bowl.
A puzzling region, given to elaborate eccentricities and bizarre memories. It’s a good place for surreal juxtapositions.
Submitted by: Kenneth Burns of Public, Florida
“I think vignettes are good, are pure and simple. I like fine sound editing.”
Preparation time: Hundreds of years
A Civil War
1/4 cup banjo music
Peck of voice-overs
12 t. suspenders
Dark shoes of all sizes
2 cups body makeup
Blood (chocolate syrup may be substituted)
Alligators (crocodiles may be substituted)
Whip clouds to a froth. Reserve 1/3 cup of voice-overs. Spread music over top.
Submitted by: Annie Coulter of Foxnews, Georgia
“I wish nothing but ill on liberals. I loathe them.”
1 tbsp., plus 2 tsp. acerbic acid
1 clove reason, peeled and forced
1/4 teaspoon each dried and finely pursed lips and knees
Grated peel of 1 psyche
2 whole breasts, exposed toward the top
2 paper-thin brain slices
Prepare an herbed compote of confused leanings. Baffle liberal parents. Ignore insufficient boyfriend. Keep it up.