“It’s like a derivative of actual pepper…It’s a food product, essentially.” — Megyn Kelly, The O’Reilly Factor, November 21, 2011

PBJPS

2 slices whole wheat bread

1 tbs peanut butter

1 tbs grape jelly

1 canister pepper spray

Lightly toast slices of bread. Spread peanut butter on one. Spread jelly on the other. Close the sandwich. Slice diagonally. Serve to protester. Wait for protester to share sandwich with homeless person. Pepper spray them both.

Protestini

4 oz gin (chilled)

1 olive

1 canister pepper spray

Pour gin into martini glass. Garnish with olive. Mist lightly with pepper spray. Serve to protester.

For a dry protestini, simply pour the gin in the vicinity of a recently pepper-sprayed protester. For an extra-dry protestini, use a smaller protester, such as a child.

Up and at ‘Em

1 automatic coffee maker

2 tbsp ground coffee (heaping)

8 oz cold water

2 donuts

1 canister pepper spray

Pour ground coffee into the coffee maker’s filter. Pour water into the coffee maker’s water reservoir. Set the coffee maker’s automatic timer for 3:55 am. Set your alarm for 4:00 am. At 4:00 am, rise and consume the coffee and donuts. Travel to protest site. Confirm that major news media are absent. Locate a sleeping protester. Pepper spray him.

Double Pepper Surprise

2 canisters pepper spray

Spray a protester with one canister of pepper spray. Wait a few days for him to return to the protest. Pepper spray him again.