Your Perfect Fairytale Wedding

By:
emilykpowers@gmail.com

You’re engaged? Congratulations! We know that every bride dreams of that “fairytale” wedding, but many ignore or even forget some of the most crucial details. Here’s a handy checklist to make sure that your whole celebration stays on theme.

We all know it’s best if you marry someone you’ve never actually spoken to. Personally, we’re a fan of stalking your beloved from afar, whether that’s watching her pick berries from behind a tree, or looking in her windows while she brushes her hair. But however you met, make sure you don’t discuss ANY personal information before the wedding. Definitely don’t mention your last name, career, or any secret magical powers — how gauche!

Before you say yes to any proposal, make sure you give your betrothed at least three impossible tasks to complete. If you have lower standards, you could just make him solve one impossible riddle or stay overnight in a stable with a bear, but three impossible tasks is probably best — you want to make sure he knows you’re a prize!

Use a set of beautiful enchanted rings for the ceremony; the wearer can transport himself anyplace in the world. As part of your vows, make him swear he will never use the ring to leave you alone. Ever. Under any circumstances. Say it with me: you’re not being clingy, you’re being practical!

Sometimes, pirates sink all of your father’s richly laden ships and you are immediately thrust into poverty. Don’t panic — these things happen! If you can’t afford your dream dress, sit in a tree until a group of hunters walks by. They’ll take you to their king who will give you a rich silk garment festooned with gold — if you’re lucky maybe it will be a Pnina Tornai!

If your guests insist on eating and drinking too much at your outdoor reception (even though you told them that you didn’t pay for an open bar), just leave them out in the woods to die. Don’t let your husband leave any breadcrumbs leading back to civilization. They’ll get over it. Probably.

For a fun reception game, dump a thousand pearls into the bottom of a river and offer a fabulous reward to anyone who can collect them all by the end of the night. If no one succeeds, turn everyone to stone.

If you’re afraid that your guests aren’t going to dance at the reception, give them all red-hot metal shoes to wear. They’ll tear up the dance floor, all right!

What’s an outdoor wedding without wildlife? Sew a couple of fancy white shirts and wrestle them onto any children in attendance, turning them into swans (and perfect pond decorations).

Instead of buying your maid of honor a bottle of wine or an expensive necklace as a thank-you present, promise to give her the first animal that rubs against your leg on your 12th wedding anniversary. She’ll love that you planned so far ahead!

Band or DJ? Neither! Hire a man with a magic flute that can charm animals. Make sure you pay him though, or your ring bearer might disappear.

If you’ve murdered anyone recently, make sure your pets don’t know about it. They’ll tell all your guests at the ceremony and cause pointless drama!

Give your bridesmaids burlap sacks to wear and smudge their faces with ashes. If any one of them STILL looks prettier than you (we all have that friend with an alabaster brow and raven tresses), ask your yard guy to cut out her tongue. It’s your special day, and no one is allowed to look more beautiful than you!

 

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