Secretariat: Hey, I’m Secretariat. I won the Triple —
War Elephant: Hi, yeah, I know who you are.
Secretariat: I’m not surprised. People consider me one of the greatest athletes of all time.
War Elephant: Well, one of the greatest horse athletes.
Secretariat: No, actually, in 1999 ESPN ranked me the 35th greatest athlete of the century.
War Elephant: I died in like 216 BC so that means very little —
Secretariat: The list included humans is the thing. I was the only animal in the top 50.
War Elephant: I’ve met Babe Ruth. Was he on the list?
Secretariat: Yes, I believe he was second.
War Elephant: So…much higher on the list than you —
Secretariat: Well, it skewed human. Anyhow, what did you do down there? Work part-time at a circus? Spend all day blowing water through your trunk at baby elephants?
War Elephant: I served in the Carthaginian army.
Secretariat: No kidding? The army have an elephant polo team?
War Elephant: No, I fought as a war elephant alongside Hannibal, my general and my friend.
Secretariat: Very cool. That reminds me, I won the Belmont Stakes by 31 lengths! It’s still a record —
War Elephant: Hannibal led us across the Alps to surprise the Romans from the north. The Alps are a mountain range in Europe —
Secretariat: I know what the Alps are.
War Elephant: There were about 40 elephants to start. We pushed through brutal conditions. We never complained. We fought as long as our 40-pound hearts would allow.
Secretariat: I bet you were the first to —
War Elephant: I was the last to die.
Brief silence
Secretariat: I won 16 of my 21 races.
War Elephant: Crossing the Alps took more than two weeks. It was freezing. Meals were few and far between —
Secretariat: Have you ever heard of the Man o’War Stakes?
War Elephant: No.
Secretariat: Yeah, I’m getting the sense you don’t have a good grasp on horse racing history.
War Elephant: You can imagine the difficulty of an Alps ascent when you weigh 12,000 pounds.
Secretariat: Eh, horse racing tracks are pretty flat. Very muddy, though.
War Elephant: I died in mud. Mud the color of Carthaginian blood.
Long silence
Secretariat: I’m gonna go hit the head.
