We Need Some Fresh Ideas Here at Ramming One’s Head into Sculptures at Full Speed, Inc.

By: Dirk Voetberg


As you know, we here at Ramming One’s Head into Sculptures at Full Speed, Inc., have experienced fifty-eight straight quarters of declining revenue. Well, I was hired as your new VP of Marketing to snap that slump! But I know that we can only do it as a team! So I’m calling out to each and every one of you to contribute whatever marketing suggestions you have. Come on by! My door’s always open! And, remember, there’s no such thing as a bad idea! I mean that!

Here are some of my thoughts to get our brainstorm started:

From what I gather, the top brass here at Ramming One’s Head Into S’s at F S has understandably been leery about doing any kind of TV advertising. They’re concerned about the possibly scarring effect the image of someone ramming their head into a sculpture could have on the typical television viewer.

But they’re worrying up the wrong tree! Today’s consumers don’t even want or respond to advertising that’s overly literal. It just needs to be cool and/or hip. You know, we could have a spot that’s just some good looking 20-somethings hanging out at night in a sculpture garden, languidly looking at the stars. Nick Drake, REO Speedwagon, or some other kind of music like that playing. Girls snuggling up with their boys. Buddies talking handsomely by the fire. Maybe even some text messaging going on. Then, our logo softly materializing on the screen. And only as the ad is fading out do we hear even a slight crunch and scream in the background. Very subtle. Nothing too in your face.

Oh! I see that one of you is at my office door! And I haven’t even sent out this email yet! Great! I love proactivity! And this team member (it’s Geoff) has told me an idea he has!…Okay. He just said that no one’s going to pay to smash their heads against sculptures. Ever. Well, now, that’s not what I’d consider a great idea, per se. But it’s not a bad idea either because, remember — and this is very lucky for us — there’s no such thing as a bad idea! Anyway, again, the rest of you, please feel free to walk on over to my always-opened door and let’s chat about your thoughts!

By the way, here’s another one of mine: While we would likely decide to be fairly oblique on the TV front, I believe we should be more straightforward in other mediums. For example, I think we need some new FAQ on our website to dispel a disturbingly widespread perception that we’re somehow in the business of selling something called “Ramming One’s Head Into Sculptures at Full Speed” but not literally that. Now, I’m not sure what the reason for this confusion is, but after telling my friends and family about my new job, it became apparent to me that it exists. Why they think someone would name a product something other than it is, I haven’t the slightest. If I ran a restaurant, for example, and served something called “pudding,” it would be almost exactly pudding.

Oh! How about this? How about creating our own in-house sculpting department? That way, we’d be able to offer customers their own surfaces upon which to terminate ramming. They wouldn’t need to pay those pesky suggested museum entrance fees or deal with security at corporate parks. And, for our purposes, the sculptures we crank out wouldn’t even have to convincingly symbolize war or that kind of deep subject matter other artists fret themselves over. Our stuff could simply evoke something pedestrian like wanting a certain type of dessert or how hard it is to figure out TiVo sometimes. Heck, we may even be able to get away with sculptures that have no meaning whatsoever! (I’ll look into that with legal.)

Wow. Some of you others are also dropping by my office! Terrific! Proactivity in the hizouse! Still haven’t even sent this email yet! And now Sylvia and Trelnt (sp?) are telling me their ideas! Great!

Huh. Now, see. The ideas they just told me — that we can’t possibly make money off this product, we need to all quit our jobs, etc. — are unfortunately a lot like Geoff’s. If you really analyze them, they don’t actually seem to offer much in the way of solving how we can make money off of our product (and, frankly, keep our jobs). Again, I won’t call them bad ideas, of course, (no such thing) but for lack of a better word, I would have to say that they’re “bad” ideas.

Here’s the deal. Whatever marketing strategy we come up with, it needs to pass this simple test: will it convince people to ram their heads into sculptures, which, remember, is immensely painful and harmful?

Anyway, keep ’em coming, team. I know together we’ll figure out that one perfect game plan. And, when we do, our competitors will be eating our dust!


Senior VP

Ramming One’s Head Into Sculptures at Full Speed, Inc.



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