What is Demonic Possession?
Demonic possession is a serious illness characterized by the presence of a demon within your body. The affliction typically causes radical changes in demeanor and those suffering from demonic possession very often exhibit little regard for themselves or those around them. While demonic possession in itself is rarely life-threatening for the possessed individual, it may lead to more severe complications if left untreated.

Signs & Symptoms
Though the exact symptoms of demonic possession vary from person to person, some common signs and symptoms include:

Nausea

Headaches

Indigestion

Projectile Vomiting

Severed friendships

Newly-formed friendships with people who listen to obscure metal bands like Mayhem and Gorgoroth

Stigmata

Bodily movements and gestures that defy the laws of science

An impeccable basso profondo voice that really holds one’s attention

A tendency to decapitate anyone within a five-meter radius on a whim

Lethargy

Risk Factors & Causes
Experts are largely baffled as to exactly what causes demonic possession, though recent studies conducted at Johns Hopkins and Emory University suggest that naughty little boys and girls are particularly at risk.

Diagnosis & Tests
While there are occasions in which the presence of a demon within an individual is obvious, such instances are extremely rare. Most cases require the assistance of a professional exorcist. Demons thrive upon discord, and it is therefore crucial to select an exorcist whose cultural and religious beliefs conform to your own. For atheists who suspect demonic possession, see Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Your exorcist will likely begin by administering Reverend Bob Larson’s Demon Test®, which can be purchased at www.demontest.com for the reasonable price of $9.95. If the test proves inconclusive, which it often does, your exorcist will perform a physical examination.

A typical physical exam begins with the exorcist alternatingly beating and kissing the stomach region with the intention of antagonizing the putative demon within. Should the demon refuse to reveal itself, it may be necessary for the exorcist to forcefully and repeatedly submerge your head in water until the demon responds.

If the physical exam fails to yield evidence of demonic possession, your exorcist may elect to perform a psychological exam. This examination is essentially a stress-inducing interview designed to unwittingly arouse the demon from its hiding. Common interviewing techniques include:

— Inundation of Puerile Insults (e.g., “Hey buddy, I had a romp under the covers with your mom last night. Oh wait — you don’t even have a mom, because you’re a demon. Punk.”)

— Appeal to Reason (e.g., “You know, actually, now that I say that, I’m sort of questioning myself. Do you guys have mothers, or, uh, what’s the deal exactly?”)

— Threats of Torture (e.g., “While I’m waiting for you to respond, let me see what I have here on my iTunes. Hmm, looks like nothing but Nickelback…”)

— Actual Torture (e.g., “It’s not like you to say sorry/ I was waiting on a different story/ This time I’m mistaken / For handing you a heart worth breaking.”)

By this point, it will be patently obvious whether there is a demon in you or not (see False Demonic Possession Syndrome).

Prognostication & Treatment
It is important that you and your exorcist work together to establish a plan of action in treating your demonic possession. Not all demonic possessions necessitate immediate exorcisms. Some demons are benign and can safely dwell within you for several years before action is required, possibly even evolving into a temporary source of comfort. It is important, however, not to get too attached to your demon, because there will inevitably come a day when it needs to be expelled from your body/soul.

Unlike benign demons, malignant demons do require immediate action. Neglecting such a demon may result in metastasis, and, potentially, the demonization of your entire body. Untreated malignant demons also leave you at risk for Demonic Possession Possession, a condition by which the demon possessing you becomes possessed by another demon, and you’re left to wrestle with multiple demons.

When the time comes for your exorcism, follow the instructions of your exorcist. You will very likely need to be tied down for the duration of the procedure. In severe cases, an ETA (Exorcist’s Tickling Assistant) may be necessary. Tickling functions as a sedative measure on summoned demons, allowing the exorcist to perform the ritual unimpeded. It is unclear exactly why this measure works or how it was originally discovered.

Exorcisms typically take between 30 seconds and six days. Most patients who undergo exorcisms experience full recoveries. In very rare cases, the procedure does not successfully remove the demon, resulting in the patient’s eternal damnation.

Home Remedies
There are no reliable home remedies for demonic possession currently documented, though many people attempt to simply outrun their demons.