We Are Dealing With The Olive Oil Spill

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I understand that many of you are angry. As frustrating as the situation is for you, imagine how frustrating it is for all of us here at Sorrento Olive Oil, as we find that our flagship olive oil bottle’s record six-month accident-free streak, as well as the celebratory dinner we were holding in its honor, have both been tragically interrupted.

We can discuss who knocked over which container of olive oil while pretending to drink directly from it using a straw later, but for now let us focus on the task at hand: we must act together to stem the flow of olive oil that is still pouring forth onto the tablecloth and floor of Lino’s Traditional Italian Restaurant and Pizzeria. The chief obstacle to this endeavor is that unfortunately, the little spout on the top of the bottle that regulates how much olive oil comes out fell off in the spill and has not been retrieved. Because of this we have so far been unable to prevent further spillage, but I guarantee you a new solution is in the works.

Yes, I know that I have said that before. To be fair, a solution was in the works at the time but, as you all know, the Fight Olive Oil With More Olive Oil strategy was unfortunately even less effective than the preceding vinegar-based method. Some would even say it exacerbated the problem. The same critics would say that there are now three olive oil bottles pouring onto the table instead of just one. I remind those people that playing the blame game will get us nowhere, and that there are bound to be challenges when the field of technology and innovation is called on to solve the problems of our changing world. At the very least, we have improved on our water-based strategy, which was admittedly more of a solution to our original fire-based approach than it was a remedy for the oil spill.

Let’s try to move on, and focus on the present. Our most recent attempt was entitled Operation Smash-Kill; it entailed smashing one of the bottles with a shoe. We saw results almost immediately, as the number of leaking bottles decreased from three to two. However, what we did not plan for — indeed, what no one could have foreseen — was the rapid release of nearly all of the olive oil previously contained in the third bottle, the one we smashed. It appears that the table is even more drenched in olive oil than it was before, and a new glass problem has presented itself.

Yes, that is correct. Now there is olive oil all over the shoe. But let’s not get distracted.

Our scientists are currently at work assessing the feasibility of addressing the problem using bread. However, we must remember that our supply of bread is limited. This is not Bottomless Basket Night at Lino’s, and even if it were, we have reason to believe the restaurant staff would be hesitant to continue producing food that is only being used to mop up other food.

Rest assured that we are devoting our full attention to the proper handling of this disaster. Several napkin-reconnaissance teams have been dispatched, and we cannot make a fully informed decision until we receive their report. In the meantime I ask you to keep things in perspective. The restaurant is a very big place — thousands of square feet! — and the olive oil spill, at least for now, has spread only ten or so feet in each direction. And let us thank good luck that there have been precious few casualties.

Please, go back to your meals. We have this under control.

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