 About/Masthead - Archive - Blurbs - Contact - Exposure Links - Services - Submissions by Eric Feezell SCENE ONE: A DINNER TABLE DAD: Great mashed potatoes, honey. MOM: Thanks, dear. Kids, have you gotten enough? < Phone rings > DAD: Damn it! Who in the sam-hell is calling during dinner again?! MOM: Let it ring, dear. It's just another one of those telemarketers. DAD: No way. I'm going to tell these bozos I've had it once and for all! < Picks up receiver > DAD: Hello? TELEMARKETER: HHRRRUGGHGHGGBNAAHH! DAD: Hello? Who is this? TELEMARKETER: BBRRGNGHHNNNAAAAFFGHGGGGRRR, HHMPHR! DAD: Oh, what is it with you telemarketers? You call and interrupt my family and me during dinner, and you don't even have the common courtesy to put a human on the line? Good Lord! VOICE: GGRNNBRRRHHMMM? DAD: You bet your leathery hide, it's a problem! You should be pulling plows in Indochina, not trying to sell me the San Francisco Chronicle! I mean, come on! Can you even read?! VOICE: GRNBNAMAH, GRRNMMPH! DAD: Well, to hell with you, then! < Slams phone down > DAD: Damn outsource! SCENE TWO: A HOME NURSERY FATHER-TO-BE: Look, Abbey, it says right here: connect rod two to rod four with a one-inch screw! There is no one-inch screw! Since when do I have to be an astrophysicist to assemble a stupid crib? MOTHER-TO-BE: Would you please just hang up your ego and call the help hotline? We're not getting anywhere this way. FATHER: Fine! < Dials hotline number from instruction manual > HOTLINE: BBRRRGGGHHHFF! FATHER: Hello? HOTLINE: RRRGGH, MMNNEWWWRRR! FATHER: God almighty! < Covers receiver with hand and whispers > I told you this wouldn't do any good. Damn water buffalo! They hardly even speak English! HOTLINE: GRRNBH? FATHER: What, sir? What did you say? HOTLINE: GGGRRRRNNNNBBBHHHRRRYYEEEE!!! FATHER: Oh, ma'am? Ma'am, I'm so, so sorry. SCENE THREE: TWO FRIENDS ABOARD A PLANE STUCK ON THE TARMAC MIKE: Hey, Kevin. Check out these cool shoes in the Sky Mall catalogue. KEVIN: Those are nice, man. Cheap, too! You should hook them up. MIKE: Yeah, I think I'm going to order them right now. God knows we're not moving anytime soon. < Dials number on cell phone > HOTLINE: MMRRRRGGHGNNN! MIKE: Uh, hello? Yeah, I'd like to order the shoes featured on page 97 of the Sky Mall catalogue. HOTLINE: NNRRGGHBNN? MIKE: What? HOTLINE: NNRRGGHBNN, NRG HHRRMB? MIKE: No, not the suede, the other pair. It says here: Genuine oiled Sri Lankan leather loafers with -- < Click > MIKE: Hello? SCENE FOUR: OUTSIDE AN EMERGENCY ROOM IRRITATED MAN ON CELL PHONE: Look, lady. I've read the policy terms a million times! This visit should be one-hundred percent covered! INSURANCE REPRESENTATIVE: Sir, if you would be looking in the words of your policy, it will clearly be stating that that is not being the case within the case of your policy. MAN: Wait, what?! I -- I can't even understand you, ma'am! I mean, nothing personal, but what does it take to get someone who knows what the hell they're talking about on the line? For Pete's sake! REP: I am being very, very sorry, sir. MAN: Well, me too! Would you please just let me talk to your supervisor? REP: I understand sir, please be holding for a moment while I am being connecting you. MAN: Thank you! < Holding music from other end of line > MAN: Oh, great. < Man paces back and forth for two minutes until music cuts off > MAN: Hello? Is someone there? SUPERVISOR: GGRRNNNMMMMEEEBBBRRRRYYTTTRRNGGGGHGH-GH! MAN: Oh, you're kidding me!  About - Archive - Blurbs - Contact - Exposure Links - Services - Submissions |