Water Buffalo Outsourcing

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SCENE ONE: A DINNER TABLE

DAD: Great mashed potatoes, honey.

MOM: Thanks, dear. Kids, have you gotten enough?

< Phone rings >

DAD: Damn it! Who in the sam-hell is calling during dinner again?!

MOM: Let it ring, dear. It’s just another one of those telemarketers.

DAD: No way. I’m going to tell these bozos I’ve had it once and for all!

< Picks up receiver >

DAD: Hello?

TELEMARKETER: HHRRRUGGHGHGGBNAAHH!

DAD: Hello? Who is this?

TELEMARKETER: BBRRGNGHHNNNAAAAFFGHGGGGRRR, HHMPHR!

DAD: Oh, what is it with you telemarketers? You call and interrupt my family and me during dinner, and you don’t even have the common courtesy to put a human on the line? Good Lord!

VOICE: GGRNNBRRRHHMMM?

DAD: You bet your leathery hide, it’s a problem! You should be pulling plows in Indochina, not trying to sell me the San Francisco Chronicle! I mean, come on! Can you even read?!

VOICE: GRNBNAMAH, GRRNMMPH!

DAD: Well, to hell with you, then!

< Slams phone down >

DAD: Damn outsource!

*****

SCENE TWO: A HOME NURSERY

FATHER-TO-BE: Look, Abbey, it says right here: connect rod two to rod four with a one-inch screw! There is no one-inch screw! Since when do I have to be an astrophysicist to assemble a stupid crib?

MOTHER-TO-BE: Would you please just hang up your ego and call the help hotline? We’re not getting anywhere this way.

FATHER: Fine!

< Dials hotline number from instruction manual >

HOTLINE: BBRRRGGGHHHFF!

FATHER: Hello?

HOTLINE: RRRGGH, MMNNEWWWRRR!

FATHER: God almighty! < Covers receiver with hand and whispers > I told you this wouldn’t do any good. Damn water buffalo! They hardly even speak English!

HOTLINE: GRRNBH?

FATHER: What, sir? What did you say?

HOTLINE: GGGRRRRNNNNBBBHHHRRRYYEEEE!!!

FATHER: Oh, ma’am? Ma’am, I’m so, so sorry.

*****

SCENE THREE: TWO FRIENDS ABOARD A PLANE STUCK ON THE TARMAC

MIKE: Hey, Kevin. Check out these cool shoes in the Sky Mall catalogue.

KEVIN: Those are nice, man. Cheap, too! You should hook them up.

MIKE: Yeah, I think I’m going to order them right now. God knows we’re not moving anytime soon.

< Dials number on cell phone >

HOTLINE: MMRRRRGGHGNNN!

MIKE: Uh, hello? Yeah, I’d like to order the shoes featured on page 97 of the Sky Mall catalogue.

HOTLINE: NNRRGGHBNN?

MIKE: What?

HOTLINE: NNRRGGHBNN, NRG HHRRMB?

MIKE: No, not the suede, the other pair. It says here: Genuine oiled Sri Lankan leather loafers with —

< Click >

MIKE: Hello?

*****

SCENE FOUR: OUTSIDE AN EMERGENCY ROOM

IRRITATED MAN ON CELL PHONE: Look, lady. I’ve read the policy terms a million times! This visit should be one-hundred percent covered!

INSURANCE REPRESENTATIVE: Sir, if you would be looking in the words of your policy, it will clearly be stating that that is not being the case within the case of your policy.

MAN: Wait, what?! I — I can’t even understand you, ma’am! I mean, nothing personal, but what does it take to get someone who knows what the hell they’re talking about on the line? For Pete’s sake!

REP: I am being very, very sorry, sir.

MAN: Well, me too! Would you please just let me talk to your supervisor?

REP: I understand sir, please be holding for a moment while I am being connecting you.

MAN: Thank you!

< Holding music from other end of line >

MAN: Oh, great.

< Man paces back and forth for two minutes until music cuts off >

MAN: Hello? Is someone there?

SUPERVISOR: GGRRNNNMMMMEEEBBBRRRRYYTTTRRNGGGGHGH-GH!

MAN: Oh, you’re kidding me!

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