SCENE ONE: A DINNER TABLE
DAD: Great mashed potatoes, honey.
MOM: Thanks, dear. Kids, have you gotten enough?
< Phone rings >
DAD: Damn it! Who in the sam-hell is calling during dinner again?!
MOM: Let it ring, dear. It’s just another one of those telemarketers.
DAD: No way. I’m going to tell these bozos I’ve had it once and for all!
< Picks up receiver >
DAD: Hello?
TELEMARKETER: HHRRRUGGHGHGGBNAAHH!
DAD: Hello? Who is this?
TELEMARKETER: BBRRGNGHHNNNAAAAFFGHGGGGRRR, HHMPHR!
DAD: Oh, what is it with you telemarketers? You call and interrupt my family and me during dinner, and you don’t even have the common courtesy to put a human on the line? Good Lord!
VOICE: GGRNNBRRRHHMMM?
DAD: You bet your leathery hide, it’s a problem! You should be pulling plows in Indochina, not trying to sell me the San Francisco Chronicle! I mean, come on! Can you even read?!
VOICE: GRNBNAMAH, GRRNMMPH!
DAD: Well, to hell with you, then!
< Slams phone down >
DAD: Damn outsource!
SCENE TWO: A HOME NURSERY
FATHER-TO-BE: Look, Abbey, it says right here: connect rod two to rod four with a one-inch screw! There is no one-inch screw! Since when do I have to be an astrophysicist to assemble a stupid crib?
MOTHER-TO-BE: Would you please just hang up your ego and call the help hotline? We’re not getting anywhere this way.
FATHER: Fine!
< Dials hotline number from instruction manual >
HOTLINE: BBRRRGGGHHHFF!
FATHER: Hello?
HOTLINE: RRRGGH, MMNNEWWWRRR!
FATHER: God almighty! < Covers receiver with hand and whispers > I told you this wouldn’t do any good. Damn water buffalo! They hardly even speak English!
HOTLINE: GRRNBH?
FATHER: What, sir? What did you say?
HOTLINE: GGGRRRRNNNNBBBHHHRRRYYEEEE!!!
FATHER: Oh, ma’am? Ma’am, I’m so, so sorry.
SCENE THREE: TWO FRIENDS ABOARD A PLANE STUCK ON THE TARMAC
MIKE: Hey, Kevin. Check out these cool shoes in the Sky Mall catalogue.
KEVIN: Those are nice, man. Cheap, too! You should hook them up.
MIKE: Yeah, I think I’m going to order them right now. God knows we’re not moving anytime soon.
< Dials number on cell phone >
HOTLINE: MMRRRRGGHGNNN!
MIKE: Uh, hello? Yeah, I’d like to order the shoes featured on page 97 of the Sky Mall catalogue.
HOTLINE: NNRRGGHBNN?
MIKE: What?
HOTLINE: NNRRGGHBNN, NRG HHRRMB?
MIKE: No, not the suede, the other pair. It says here: Genuine oiled Sri Lankan leather loafers with —
< Click >
MIKE: Hello?
SCENE FOUR: OUTSIDE AN EMERGENCY ROOM
IRRITATED MAN ON CELL PHONE: Look, lady. I’ve read the policy terms a million times! This visit should be one-hundred percent covered!
INSURANCE REPRESENTATIVE: Sir, if you would be looking in the words of your policy, it will clearly be stating that that is not being the case within the case of your policy.
MAN: Wait, what?! I — I can’t even understand you, ma’am! I mean, nothing personal, but what does it take to get someone who knows what the hell they’re talking about on the line? For Pete’s sake!
REP: I am being very, very sorry, sir.
MAN: Well, me too! Would you please just let me talk to your supervisor?
REP: I understand sir, please be holding for a moment while I am being connecting you.
MAN: Thank you!
< Holding music from other end of line >
MAN: Oh, great.
< Man paces back and forth for two minutes until music cuts off >
MAN: Hello? Is someone there?
SUPERVISOR: GGRRNNNMMMMEEEBBBRRRRYYTTTRRNGGGGHGH-GH!
MAN: Oh, you’re kidding me!
