Twinkie The Kid Interviews For A Job As National Organic Coalition Spokesperson

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Let me start by sayin’ thanks for calling me in for this interview. When I read that ‘cause organic foods have been so popular the last few years that you’d be hiring a national icon, it got me startin’ to thinking. But when I realized that, in particular, you were lookin’ for a symbol that the average American Joe could relate to, I yelled out –- yippee-ki-yay! Then I jumped out of my hot tub, grabbed my cell phone and called ya’ll. Hey, I don’t need to tell you guys that Twinkies are already an American icon. And I clearly had a lot to do with getting it to that level. Look at me! I’m as American as apple pie. I got my cowboy hat. I got my cowboy boots. I’m practically the John Wayne of snack foods!

What? You’ve never eaten a Twinkie? None of you? Get outta here! Did ya’ll grow up in Communist Russia, or what?

Excuse me? Why would I, in particular, be a suitable representative of organic foods? Hmm, well, let me ask you something – what is the one thing that most people think when they hear about organic foods? I’ll tell you –- it rots! That’s right. Organic foods have no preservatives. It rots quickly if you don’t eat or cook it. Well, I don’t think I need to tell you that one thing that people think of when they think of Twinkies is – they last forever. Not a bad association to have: me…Twinkies…lasts forever…organic foods. And on top of that I’m a cowboy. Like I said there ain’t nothing more American than that. This will help dispel the controversy that organic food is part of a terrorist plot to drain us all of our money. That’s right, I read that someplace.

So, okay, I know I’m not made of carob. And I couldn’t tell you the difference between a brussel sprout and a head of lettuce. But I am pretty awesome here with this lasso. I was thinking that you could show my lassoing things out on the range. You know, catching those free-range animals. Probably not a chicken. But, I could ride up on my organic free-range horse, lasso me a free-range cow, drop it to the ground and tie it up in ten seconds flat. You know, it would put a bit of brawn behind that wimpy feeling people get when they think of organic food.

Are you sure not one of you, ever, not even once, had a Twinkie?

Why did I leave my last job? Well, I’ve been involved in the snack food industry since the early 70’s. And a few weeks ago I was sitting around playin’ a weekly game of quarters with Captain Cupcake and Fruitpie the Magician. Fruitpie was yakking it up again about the job stress and his ulcer. And the Captain lost his hearing aid in his beer stein again. I thought to myself — what a pathetic bunch of losers. Then I thought, you know, I ain’t so fluffy and spongy anymore. My frosting’s startin’ to dry up. Do I want to be sitting around a decade from now pining for the good ole’ days of artificial coloring and preservatives with long chemical names? No. I know which side my organic bread is buttered, uh, Earth Balanced on. I can see that organic food is the wave of the future. And, I want to be standing under that wave.

What? That’s it? Oh, come on. I can tell I haven’t sold you, yet. Gimme me just two more minutes and we’ll be good.

Great, thanks. All I ask is that you each take a little taste of my filling. It’s white, right, so it’s got to be pure. Just one taste. Excellent.

See. Not bad, huh? Actually, it’s pretty damn awesome, right?

Maybe, we could emphasize that my corn syrup is from organic corn. Sure, it’s a bit of lie, but no one would know. Hmm, yes, I do have some actual boxes of Twinkies in my saddle-bag. Sure, here, take one. What’s that? Uh, I don’t really know if Dextrose, Cellulose Gum, Polysorbate 60, or Dextrin could be considered organic. But, heck, you guys run this thing. Maybe you could, you know, make it so. Actually, yes, I think there’s an egg in there, too. That’s good isn’t it?

More Twinkies? Wow, you guys tore through that first three boxes pretty quick. Sure, I can call the supplier, but let’s just start with one truckload.

Before I do that, though, I have one last question: so, am I hired, or what?

Ah, excellent.

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