Monday, 8 p.m. – Law & Order:
A Manhattan shiatsu therapist receives a bogus $200 ticket. Fifteen consecutive written appeals are denied automatically by computer. He contemplates suicide on the Queensboro Bridge, where he receives another ticket for parking in a “loading zone.”
Monday, 9 p.m. – Law & Order:
Suburban Township Board Meeting
(Part 5 of 12) Re-zoning the 4400 block of Fairfax Avenue for multi-unit non-commercial dwellings. As himself: Rep. Jim Byer (at-large alternate delegate, Rappahannock County Council, VA).
Monday, 10 p.m. – Law & Order:
L.A. Police Brutality (Celebrity Edition)
Controversial white rapper Eminem fails to amortize the value of his Humvee on his state income tax return, and is mercilessly flagellated with a socket wrench. Officer O’Donnell: Rodney King.
Tuesday, 8 p.m. – Law & Order:
Talmudic scholars debate whether platypus may be served during Passover. Rabbi Judah Friedman: Martin Mull.
Tuesday, 9 p.m. – Law & Order:
Infield Fly Rule
Part One: An umpire defends a controversial call before a jury of agitated, nosebleed-seat Philadelphia fans. Part Two: Foreman Rich Leardi defends his verdict at a Camden, NJ, ESPN Zone before a jury consisting of his alcoholic Uncle Paul. Part Three: Uncle Paul defends himself in court against ESPN Zone, Inc., for unspecified damages to a foosball table. Uncle Paul: Billy Bob Thornton. Philadelphia: Baltimore.
Tuesday, 10 p.m. – Law & Order:
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons
A fifth-level Paladin half-elf (12 Strength, 14 Dexterity) attempts to lift the +3 mace in his right hand in order to strike the first of 42 marauding Orcs. (6 _ hours)
Wednesday, 8 p.m. – Law & Order:
Catholic Girls’ School Dress Code
Seniors at Notre Dame Academy in Worcester, MA, circumvent the 5″ hemline rule with floor-length skirts made entirely of Saran Wrap.
Wednesday, 9 p.m. – Law & Order:
Your Mom’s House
You are grounded for flushing broccoli down the toilet, but your younger sister receives only mild reprobation for tie-dying the cat.
Wednesday, 10 p.m. – Law & Order:
Small Liberal Arts College
A freshman from the Midwest makes an offhand remark that a wealthy, white, heterosexual Protestant upperclassman perceives as prejudiced. The incident is exhaustively analyzed in 287 separate threads on the school’s Internet newsgroup. The Rev. Al Sharpton: Don King. Don King: The Rev. Al Sharpton. Cornel West: Martin Mull.
Thursday, 8 p.m. – Law & Order:
Details of Aboriginal land grants in New South Wales are resolved through elocution and drunken fistfights. Prime Minister: Former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura (18 Strength, 16 Dexterity, 8 Wisdom).
Thursday, 9 p.m. – Law & Order:
A man is shot in Grand Central Station, where 200 underemployed New York-area actors are given one-line walk-ons as witnesses. Corpse: Ted McGinley.
Thursday, 10 p.m. – Law & Order:
(4 minutes) A woman is found stabbed in an alley. Her ex-husband is caught running from the scene with a bloody-knife. He is arrested and convicted. (Followed immediately by Law & Order: 55 Minutes of Target Commercials. Man Building Bookshelf/Street Mime/Komodo Dragon: Ben Vereen.)
Friday, 8 p.m. – Law & Order:
End-User License Agreement
(2-hour, back to back premiere) “Surprise” clauses are slipped into the licensing agreements for downloadable software, and then immediately enforced. Episode One: “The user agrees, in perpetuity throughout the known universe, to affect the physical likeness, manner, and vocal quality of the popular McDonaldland™ character of Grimace®.” Episode Two: “The user agrees, under penalty of immediate and irrevocable decapitation, never again to use words containing the letter ‘S’.”
Friday, 10 p.m. – Murphy’s Law & Order
The pilot should have been done by now, but it got held up by the directors’ strike, and then there was a fire at the garage where they were shooting, and last night the editor’s copy of FinalCut Pro crashed three time. Three freakin’ times!
Saturday, 8 p.m. – Law & Order:
Second Thermodynamics Division
(Time indeterminate.) At the top of the episode, the crime is solved, the perpetrator is behind the bars, and justice is served. Eventually, all the lawyers, police officers, and suspects, along with the New York Superior Court and the entire island of Manhattan, have spontaneously disassociated into a homogeneous mixture of free-floating constituent atoms. Nitrogen gas: Barium gas. The Yawning Void of Infinite Chaos: Keanu reeves. Shiatsu therapist: Martin Mull.
From May Contain Nuts by Michael J. Rosen. HarperCollins Publishers. Used by permission.
To order the book, click here: May Contain Nuts at Amazon.com
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