The Regional American Surrealist Cookbook

By:

THE NORTHEAST

This is a strange area of the country, its cuisine matching its clam rivers and mystic flattened foods.

COOKING SHOW SOUFFLÉ

Submitted by: Martha Stewart of New York City, New York

“This is an excellent recipe. Although it requires quite a bit more time than I’d originally bargained for.”

Serves 6

Preparation time: 3 years

INGREDIENTS:

1 TV crew

12 dozen chicken eggs, beaten

1 truckload of milk

16 cases of butter

2 stoves

1 contract, drained

3 publicists, crushed

1/2 tsp. salt

6 weeping assistants

Storyboards

1 phone call

Jail time

Preheat one oven to 325 degrees F. Pretend to preheat the other. Attend endless meetings. Grease 15 casserole dishes. Berate assistants.

Place a layer of crushed eggshells in the bottom of 1 garbage can. Layer garbage neatly. Receive phone calls. Make phone calls. Get up early. Be driven.

Get script. Make revisions. Practice smiling. Make assistants cry.

Add butter, 1 tsp.

Go to jail.

Reinvent self. Start another magazine. Receive plaudits of employees. Go to work every day. Try not to be too lonely.

Assistants weep in the hallway.

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SHROUDED CHICKEN

Submitted by: Gwang Ho of Never, New Jersey

“Not wishing to quite far. So being so. It can be said.”

Serves 200

Preparation time: Not so bad, considering

INGREDIENTS:

A whole bunch of chickens

200 little outfits (sailor, ballerina, etc.)

A lot of packaged stuffing mix

A real big plate or platter (platelet will not do)

Small coffins

Dress chickens in little outfits. Prepare stuffing per package instructions.

Boil or fry the chickens, it hardly matters which.

Stuff cavities, including pockets in outfits. Prepare individual coffins, reserving about 20 for ashes later.

Scorch about 20 chickens. Reserve ashes.

Serve with funereal music. Sprinkle ashes on top.

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THE MIDWEST

Perhaps the most normal-appearing section of the country, this flat land, with its rivers lower and its cities higher, still manages to produce some of the food we fear most.

SLICER-DICER MELANGE

Submitted by: R. Popeil of Chicago, Illinois

“But wait, there’s more…”

Preparation time: 1 crazy moment

INGREDIENTS:

1 murdered husband

1 remarriage

2 cases of tomatoes

Case of onions

1 tsp. vinegar

1 hands-free microphone

1 amplifier

1 tsp. salt

Red pepper

Closet

Whisk microphone and amplifier until fluffed. Combine tomatoes and onions. Invent scalp-dye with vinegar and pepper. Hide. In a medium bowl talk quickly and convincingly. Hope for the best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FESTIVE HOLIDAY BULIMIC TURKEY

Submitted by: Unnamed of Edge of Nowhere, Indiana

“I don’t care what they think! It’s just eat, eat, eat! Disgusting!”

INGREDIENTS:

1 small turkey

2 fingers

A toilet bowl

Preparation time: It sneaks up on you…

Leave nothing to the imagination, leave nothing on the tiles, leave nothing that would create a trail back to you. Leave early, claiming some emergency or other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HURLED EGGS

Submitted by: Tandom Koolzip of Peeorhea, Indianolapolis

“This is a recipe that was tossed to me by someone claiming to be my grandmother.”

Preparation time: Instantaneous

INGREDIENTS:

Eggs

Someone to throw eggs at

That’s all she wrote. In old-fashioned script.

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KANSAS CITY OYSTERS

Submitted by: Big “Chief” Tom of Kansas City, Kansas

INGREDIENTS:

Cab fare

1 doz. oysters

1 gal. bourbon whiskey

Get oysters drunk on whiskey. Put them in a cab. Give driver cab fare and tell him to take them to Kansas City.

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THE SOUTHWEST

The sound of cars in the night, the long trail of asphalt, writing things down on long rolls of waxed paper on top of small refrigerators…

ROAD CHICKEN

Submitted by: Dean Moriarty of Denver, Colorado

“Man, I gotta get me some coffee. We gotta stop soon, man. What was that? Did you feel that?”

Preparation time: 10 minutes, at most

INGREDIENTS:

Road something

1 cup bread tips

1 lb. tater tots

Weed (Roaster)

2 tsp. pine nuts

2 cans corn niblets

An Unformed Being

Backseat ashes

Throw things around. Add things. Drink alcohol. Smoke. You’ve crossed that intersection for the last time.

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ORANGE PORK

Submitted by: Juan Guadalupe of Quitobaquito, Arizona

“Park and Lock it. Not responsible.”

INGREDIENTS:

Crate of oranges

1 Javelina

1 gun

Full moon

Do the math.

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THE WEST COAST

The perfectly possible is always near. This region, though largely ignored, is full of food.

1955 PIE

Submitted by: Elmer Batters of Hollywood, California

“I’m probably dead, but you wouldn’t know it to look at me.”

INGREDIENTS:

2 plastic, see-through, 5-inch tall high heels

Flouncy apron with clever sayings

Pink frilled trim (for apron)

Several pies, lattice-top and otherwise

A garage

Rope

Bangs

A corset

A dim red light

Preparation time: Dreaming and drifting away

Elude capture. Stand for hours in darkrooms with red light. Ignore greenhouse gases. Ignore deposits. Ignore erosion and gross inadequacies, stubbornness and melted polar ice.

Bring ingredients to a boil.

Serve 3 degrees hotter than ever before.

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URINATED CHICKEN

Submitted by: Andrew Wamasake of Gardena, California

INGREDIENTS:

One chicken

A lot of water

Large drinking glass

Preparation time: Maybe 5 hours

Run chicken around and take its temperature. Give the chicken a couple of options. Leave chicken alone a lot. Make sure chicken has a lot of water in its bowl.

_______________________________________________

THE SOUTH

A puzzling region, given to elaborate eccentricities and bizarre memories. It’s a good place for surreal juxtapositions.

REENACTMENT CASSEROLE

Submitted by: Kenneth Burns of Public, Florida

“I think vignettes are good, are pure and simple. I like fine sound editing.”

Preparation time: Hundreds of years

INGREDIENTS:

A Civil War

Blowing clouds

1/4 cup banjo music

Peck of voice-overs

12 t. suspenders

Dark shoes of all sizes

2 cups body makeup

Blood (chocolate syrup may be substituted)

Alligators (crocodiles may be substituted)

Guns

Whip clouds to a froth. Reserve 1/3 cup of voice-overs. Spread music over top.

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REPUBLICAN CABLEHAIR CORDON PREMIER

Submitted by: Annie Coulter of Foxnews, Georgia

“I wish nothing but ill on liberals. I loathe them.”

INGREDIENTS:

1 tbsp., plus 2 tsp. acerbic acid

1 clove reason, peeled and forced

1/4 teaspoon each dried and finely pursed lips and knees

Grated peel of 1 psyche

2 whole breasts, exposed toward the top

2 paper-thin brain slices

Prepare an herbed compote of confused leanings. Baffle liberal parents. Ignore insufficient boyfriend. Keep it up.

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DEAD RABBIT

INGREDIENTS:

Time

A rabbit

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