The Reason You’re In A Four Hour Rabbit Hole About Conjoined Twins Is The Same Reason You’re Still Single

By:
beccatess@gmail.com

Dear Abby,

Will I ever find true love?

Yesterday at 4:00 pm I opened an article about conjoined twins Brittany and Abby Hensel that led me down a four-hour Google search hole. Now I’m wondering why they’re engaged and I’m not. They only have one uterus. Do they? Could they give birth? Do they like reading about other conjoined twins? Do they shop at Walmart?

What should I do? 

Sincerely,

Searching

 

Dear Searching,

So let’s get this straight: you spend all of your free time obsessing over conjoined twins Abby and Brittany Hensel.

Spoiler alert: this is why you’re still single.

Maybe if you took some of that obsessive energy and used it to better yourself, you’d be in the market for dating. Biked more, maybe. Nope, don’t even think about Googling how Abby and Brittany can ride a bicycle. (They have such linked minds, they move perfectly together even though they each can only control half of the body. Isn’t that cool?)

I think what you have to ask yourself is, are you really interested in Abby and Brittany, or are you jealous of being a conjoined twin? I mean sure, we’ve all been there. Who among us doesn’t envy the perfect, pure love that one conjoined twin has for another? But you have to learn how to keep those thoughts to yourself.

The next time you go on a date, don’t open by speculating about what Abby and Brittany are up to at that exact moment. Trust me, he’s not interested.

For the record, the following are not good First Date conversation starters:

  • If you could be conjoined twins with anyone, who would it be?
  • Do you think it would be romantic to be joined with me at the shoulder, for life?
  • Maybe marriage is a bit like meeting your own conjoined twin?

Whatever you do, DON’T show him your homemade Abby & Brittany doll. The one you made by sewing two regular baby dolls together. Yeesh.

 

Dear Abby,

My boyfriend didn’t like the special two-person sweater that I gave him last Christmas. I knit it specially for us so that I could be by his side all day, but he got this freaked out look in his eyes. He wouldn’t even ride the tandem bicycle I bought for us so that we could bike through the park and never lose sight of each other. Should I dump him? 

Conjoined twins Abby and Brittany Hensel are engaged — what am I doing wrong?

Best,

Frustrated

 

Dear Frustrated,

Men can see through your tricks. That tandem bicycle was a screaming red flag that said, “I’m needy! Stay away from me!” You can say it’s just a joke, but he’ll know it’s not.

What you need to do is give your boyfriend some space. Maybe it would help if you developed a more normal interest. Like in those Cheng and Eng guys. Now there’s a fascinating subject. Did you know that if they were born in this day and age, they could have been separated with a simple surgical procedure? They could have led such different lives, you know? Do you think they’d give up that connection, though? I mean, imagine being right next to someone every waking second for the rest of your life.

 

 

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *