Thinking of heading off to university but worried about your career prospects? Concerned about a moribund economy with nowhere to go? Then you should consider enrolling in the Millard Fillmore School of Politics.
Remember, politics is one profession with a stable employment base. From the tens of thousands of elected municipal positions to the thousands of state legislator jobs to the hundreds of Congressional slots, there are scads of employment opportunities for today’s politics school grad.
Here at Fillmore U, we don’t spend a lot of time on political theory. Instead, we concentrate on what it takes to get you elected, reelected and reelected again (subject, of course, to those dreaded term limits). Our goal is to groom you not just for a one-term legislative position, but rather for an entire working life supping at the public trough. At Fillmore U, our motto is: “Why work for a living when you can run for public office?”
In your first semester, you’ll learn the practical nuts and bolts. There’s Campaign Financing 101, where you’ll learn the mostly legal ways you can finance your campaign with OPM, or “other people’s money.”
We’ll teach you how to work with corporate lobbyists to maximize your campaign contributions. We’ll also school you in the arcane rules governing such profitable enterprises as PACs, Super PACs, 527 groups and all manner of means to pay for those nasty attack ads you’ll be running.
Electioneering 202 is another first semester course. You’ll learn how to tailor your campaign platform with vague generalities and populist pablum to garner the widest support possible. We’ll teach you how to go after your opponent, stopping just short of actionable slander and libel, and how to get others to do that dirty work for you.
The second semester features a number of specialty courses. There’s Debating 103, where you’ll learn how to debase and demean your opponent without ever having to take an actual stance on the issues of the day. There’s also Apologies 202, a seminar course that shows you how to avoid apologies but, when necessary, issue one with no actual admission of guilt or wrongdoing.
And this year, for the first time, we’re offering Autocracy 301 for those aspiring to maximize their political power. Whether you’re aiming for the position of dogcatcher or President of the United States, we’ll show you how to appeal to the electorate’s worst fears, instincts and prejudices. Included are specialized seminar sessions in bullying, name-calling, beer-drinking, gun-toting, race-baiting and pussy-grabbing.
Maybe you’re not interested in the hassle of running for political office. Perhaps you’d prefer to be the brains behind the politician. Then sign up for our postgraduate degree in Political Advising. You’ll learn all the skills necessary to get your charge elected and keep him or her in office, including the essential three Ps: pivoting, posturing and prevaricating.
At Fillmore U, we take the profession of politics seriously and pledge to you that we will do all in our power to advance your career. Once you’ve taken the Hypocritical Oath (“First, tell no truth…”) at your commencement ceremony, you’ll be on your way to a satisfying, rewarding and, dare we say, remunerative career.
So apply now and let the Millard Fillmore School of Politics groom you for a lifetime of electoral offices complete with first-rate salaries, healthcare, pensions and, for the legally adventurous, unlimited investment opportunities. As we like to say at Fillmore U, while you’re serving the public, there’s no reason you can’t also serve yourself.