The Civil War II

By:
david.martin@bell.net
http://davespoliticalsatire.blogspot.ca

“[Keith] Mines concluded that the United States faces a 60 percent chance of civil war over the next ten to fifteen years.” — The New Yorker, August 14, 2017

The following is a brief audio clip from the future Ken Burns documentary The Civil War II:

December 10, 2020

My Dearest Sarah,

I would urge you, my dear wife, to choose a mournful Scottish fiddle lament from iTunes as background music when reading this, my husbandly epistle to you.

It has been three long weeks since I bid you farewell from our beloved homestead in the Hollywood Hills. Our company of Liberal Renegades has headed east to assist our comrades-in-arms in Manhattan in holding the front line against the Red States Army from the Midwest.

The fighting has been fierce with many casualties on both sides. At present our Liberal forces are at a disadvantage due, in part, to the sizable cache of handguns and semi-automatic weapons possessed by our enemy. Hindsight being 20-20, we all wish we had been stronger proponents of the Second Amendment in our previous lives.

I can also see that the personal life skills of our troops do not greatly advantage us in this war. Although we are waist-deep in lawyers, movie producers and investment bankers, their undeniable high-level abilities are of little use against the Red State forces who number highly within the categories of hunter, truck driver and construction worker.

At every turn, they seem to have the upper hand. Although we are learning fast the arts of war including the use of vehicles, tools and weapons, we are, as yet, no match when it comes to matters military.

O that I had spent my antebellum leisure hours in the woods learning to hunt or my weekends in Idaho at a militia camp rather than at the marina sailing or the country club playing squash. I have little doubt that many of us now wish that we had foresworn a Lexus, Audi or BMW as our vehicle of choice in favor of what we now know to be the more practical Dodge Ram or machine-gun mounted Toyota pickup known as a technical.

I can hear you, my dear Sarah, sighing deeply as you note the painful irony that we Blue Staters might succumb to those wearing blue collars. Yet I remain confident that our cause is just and that we shall eventually defeat these Mid-American Confederates.

For how else should this war end, given its shameful beginning? That President Trump could have run roughshod over our sainted democracy and declared a popular vote victory last month despite his Electoral College defeat is one of many offenses to all freedom-loving Americans. Not least of these offenses was his presidential proclamation disqualifying any votes from states bordering the Pacific Ocean or those prefixed with the word “New.”

Alas, it was misguided optimism that first led me to predict that I would be back in your loving arms afore Christmas. I can now clearly see that our enemy is stronger and more determined than I had first assessed and will fight on well into the coming new year. Their devotion to Trump is as deep as it is irrational.

Our one advantage at the moment is that Trump has already surrendered Washington, seeing that he has little support in that city. He has reportedly established his government in the former Confederate capital of Richmond, Virginia, knowing full well that his preferred site in central Manhattan is well beyond his reach.

With any luck, our troops will be able to escort President Sanders from Vermont to the White House, a symbolic act that will undoubtedly inspire our citizens and renew support for the resistance.

So hold fast, my dear Sarah, to our beloved Georgian-style mansion, our robust 401K and our daughters Emily and Abigail. It may take time, but we will vanquish our Trump-loving foes, win this war and reunite our great country whether they like it or not.

Your loving husband,

Major Sullivan “Sully” Ballou of the Pacific Palisades Volunteers

 

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