Thanks so much for agreeing to coach the Squirrels for the remainder of the fall season. On behalf of the boys, their parents, and Kenesaw Mountain Little League, LLC, I’m authorized to tell you how much we appreciate it.
Also, thanks for asking about Ted Barrett, your predecessor. His condition continues to improve, and I’ve forwarded your request to “give Ted my best” to our lawyers.
Until your background check is complete, you are prohibited from communicating with any of the players. We know you were planning on having the Goldsteins over for brunch on Sunday; the lawyers will get back to you on that.
And now, meet the team!
Speaking of the Goldsteins, their son David is your starting first baseman. David is unavailable for all of our Saturday games due to his observance of the Jewish Sabbath. He is also unavailable for the last two weeks of September (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur), the second week of October (Sukkot), and the fourth week of October (Boca Raton, with his grandparents). In the event you make the playoffs, he’s totally unavailable (Hannukah, early this year).
Bobby Nelson is your second baseman. Bobby does not have his own mitt, so please remember to bring one for him. Bobby cannot actually play baseball. But his mother, Kim, is a total babe. Unless Bobby starts, Kim does not come to the games; unless she comes, you won’t have enough fathers to help out. I encourage you to start Bobby.
Salam Iqbal is your shortstop. As a member of a priestly clan, he is forbidden to lower himself to field ground balls, and it is a violation of his First Amendment rights for you to yell at him about it. Whether you can gently encourage him is an unsettled question we’d rather you didn’t test.
Roseanne Tilkian is your third baseperson. Until we can resolve the Tilkians’ claims against the league, please use gender-neutral language whenever communicating with Roseanne or with the team generally. We’ve been advised that “guys” is not gender-neutral (memo attached).
Sasha Rudovsky is your left fielder. His father, Sergei, likes to watch him play, which explains the helicopter — Sergei is obligated to remain 200 yards away from Sasha and his mother, Ivanka. Ivanka, by the way, is a total babe. I recommend that you not stand next to her if you can hear a helicopter.
Elliot Harris is your center fielder. In the event Elliot’s father comes to the game (please study his photograph, attached), act naturally, like nothing is wrong. When he’s not looking, text “Wayne Harris” to the warrant squad (number attached) and seek cover.
Your right fielder is Benny White. Please cooperate with probation services when they drop him off. Under the terms of his probation, Benny is not allowed to steal second. His P.O., Sondra, usually comes to the games, which is great — Sondra is a total babe.
Cecil Dannon is your starting pitcher. He’s the complete package — a terrific pitcher and a great hitter. We’ve obtained an injunction requiring opposing teams to accept Cecil’s Nigerian birth certificate (attached), which proves conclusively that he is thirteen. In the event the injunction is vacated at any point, please present Cecil’s Panamanian birth certificate (attached), which proves conclusively that he is thirteen.
Your catcher is Manny Cedric, Jr. Yes, that Manny Cedric. His father’s promotional agreement with the league stipulates that he serve as third base coach when Manny Jr. bats; otherwise, it’s not usually necessary or productive to speak to Manny Sr. If you can remember to bring a stuffed animal and tissues for Junior, it would be a nice gesture. Manny Jr.’s mother, Felicia, never comes to games, but Google her — she is a total babe.
Finally, Joey Tarkington is your pinch hitter. In the event his father appears at the game, you have a grant of immunity if you want to shoot him. If you do, it’s important not to miss, as the unfortunate events involving Ted Barrett demonstrate. Even if you don’t want to shoot, it would be great if you could come heavy and provide backup to Cindy, Joey’s mother. Cindy is the complete package — a real sweetheart, a dead shot, and a total babe. Please don’t forget to address her as “Judge.”
And again – thanks so much for taking over the Squirrels!