* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where the only constant is change. That, and the humorous prose stylings of Mr. Terry McMenamin in his first piece for us.

Your Change Report

By:
terrymc@uwalumni.com

You know how you keep hearing that your e-mail’s been hacked and your privacy is just about non-existent? Well guess what? We at the NSA didn’t screw up after all. Turns out we were doing you a favor.

We know some of you may still be a tad on edge about this lack of privacy thing, so we want to assure you we’re really sorry about it — especially now that it’s been made public. But here’s the thing — as a result of our so-called surveillance, every U.S. citizen can now receive a monthly report documenting the many changes that took place in each of their lives over the previous month. How great is that? We’re sure you’ll find this information invaluable as well as fascinating. God knows we did.

Yes, we know everything about you! And, because of that, we can offer you this value-added service — free of charge!!

What follows is the personalized, detailed report for you, Ms. Shirley Madigan:

The directions for updating your iPhone are incorrect on the Apple site. You’ll need to go to the Apple store (make an appointment unless you want to spend the day). Closest one for you is at Sunnydale Mall on 65th. Go to the 2nd level, it’s on the right, near Claire’s. There’s a Forever 21 across the way but DO NOT buy anything there. Not only is no one 21 forever, but you can’t even pass for temporarily 35 anymore. When you make the Apple appointment, ask for Morris — he specializes in helping females in your age and weight range.

The potato chips you can’t stop eating (no real judgment here but really, you do put those things away) now come in a bag instead of a box. They also went up in price (and calories! Again, no judging). Note that the recipe for your favorite flavor has changed — the honey barbecue is now just barbecue. We tried them — the U.S. government going the extra mile once more! Our opinion? New flavor’s gross. They’ve also been relocated to aisle eight at SaveMart; the CVS near your work no longer carries them.

Walgreen’s no longer sells the Maybelline “Mad for Magenta” lipstick you seem to think is so flattering. L’Oreal’s “Capetown Fuchsia” comes pretty close. With your coloring, however, we’d suggest a different direction. Cover Girl now has a new line geared specifically to those with your particular complexion, live in your geographical area, and who get approximately 3.5 hours of sunlight a week. It’s called “Perk up that Pallor.” Any shade in the new line would be a vast improvement.

The frozen yogurt store around the corner from your apartment went out of business. That crap is all sugar anyway. Besides, until you can stop eating all those damn chips (see above), who are you kidding — you’ve got no business there.

Your husband isn’t coming home tonight. Probably not tomorrow either, or ever. You know how you complained about his haircuts being too expensive — and how you set him up with your hairdresser, who’s cheaper? Well, the good news is, you’ve been saving money. Bad news is he likes her. Guess you’re the one who needs a new hairdresser. That may be a good thing — that last haircut she gave you isn’t doing you any favors. And don’t even get us started on those highlights — 1993 anyone? The woman who sits across from you at work — Peggy? She’s got a lawyer who’s exactly what you need right now. Her lawyer specializes in husbands who philander with service industry people — masseurs, hairdressers, plumbers and the like. (I know, everyone’s got a niche nowadays, right?) While we’re on the subject of Peggy, she has your same bone structure and hair texture; her present haircut is absolutely stunning and would totally work for you.

We hope you’ve enjoyed your report. Please do not reply to this email. If you have any questions, go to: http://www.usa.gov/ > NSA Email Reportage > Customer Service. If the customer service link doesn’t work, we already know about it and will fix it when we get a chance.

Until next month, Ms. Shirley Madigan. And, as always, God Bless America!!

 

Share