* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we prefer to celebrate the birth of Jesus by looking at unfamiliar versions of the world's most familiar Bible verse. Note: The Big Jewel is taking New Year's Week off. See you in 2016!

Lesser-Known Translations Of John 3:16

By: Taylor Lee

The Bible is easily the most translated work in the history of mankind. Versions of the Holy Book are available in 531 languages and, according to historian William J. Chamberlain, the estimated number of variants in the English language alone is nearly 900. However, despite this breadth of English translations, only a handful enjoy enduring popularity. Most are completely unknown to the general public, an unfortunate reality given their unique and often surprising takes on the Word of God. The list below serves to highlight just a few of them. Please note that in each excerpt the same verse has been used (John 3:16) to allow for comparison.

For a supposed deity may have given his only begotten son, who may or may not have been a man named Jesus, who could have possibly been divine, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Or they might just perish and then nothing happens. It’s really anybody’s guess. — United Agnostic Version (UAV)

For God so “loved” the world, or whatever, that he gave his only begotten “Son,” that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have, like, “eternal life.” — The Sarcastic Air Quotes Bible (SAQB)

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall change color depending on the sleep stage of the kayak factory. — International Avant-Garde Translation (IAGT)

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, who descended from Heaven and proceeded to completely dominate the game of basketball. — The King James Bible (KJB)

For God so loved the world that he gave all these ungrateful morons you: an infallible, endlessly gifted, unfailingly perfect miracle of a human being. Feel the power course through your veins. — The Standard Megalomaniac Version (SMV)

For God gave his only Son, a.k.a. the Divine Guy, the greatest of them all, the Boy Who Made Everyone the Great Fish Dinner. — The Weird Twitter Bible (WTB)

For God so loved the world that he gave us the Supreme Leader, whose birth was foretold by a beautiful double rainbow! Who lifts tanks over his head and throws them across the world at the American Dogs! Who dunks on Comrade Dennis Rodman but still lets him win because he is a kind man! All hail the Great Sun of the Nation! All hail the Peerless Ruler! — Gugga Gong-In Seong-Gyeong¬†(“The State-Sanctioned Bible”)

For God gave

His only begotten, never downtrodden, forgiving-often Son!


Jehovah, he’s the one!

Whoever believes in him will die

But then they’ll find that life’s not done! Yee-haw! — The Rodgers and Hammerstein Translation (RHT)

God was like, “Hey, world. I love you guys. Can I interest you in my Son? He’s, like, my only begotten.” And everybody was like, “Dude, yes!” And so Big J cruised on down here, probably jamming some cool rock songs along the way, right? He’s so chill! So he did his thing, and now, if you follow what he said and stuff, you get to go to Heaven, which sounds dope as heck to me, you guys. — The Youth Pastor Translation (YPT)

Hodor. — The George R.R. Martin Edition (GRRME)

God’s in the basement, wonderin’ where the rake went.

I’m on the pavement, thinkin’ bout the son he sent. — The Bob Dylan Translation (BDT)

Do you really think a man came down from heaven and performed miracles? I mean actual, laws-of-physics-defying miracles? Come on, Candice, you’re smarter than that. — The Condescending Atheist Version (CAV)

For God so loved the world that he gave his onlrrrgghh–

Oh, no.

For God so loved the world that he gaarrgghh–

Please, no! Not now!

For God so loved the WORRAAHHRRGH! Everyone g-get out fast! RAAAHHHGH! This place is n-no longer safe! GRAAARRHH! For the love of God, run to your h-homes and lock¬†your ROOOAAAAHHH! ARRRGGGHHHH! GRROOAARRGGHH! — The Revised Werewolf Translation (RWT)