* Welcome to The Big Jewel, your only friend in a world gone mad. Speaking of friends, don't you wish you had one like Berg?

Hey Dan

By:
mcherry2@uco.edu

Hey Dan, it’s Berg. I know you’re going out of town today, didn’t know if you’d left yet or not. Listen, you wouldn’t happen to have any Hawaiian Skunk I could bum, would you? I can cover it when we get paid next Tuesday. I don’t really need it, but Cathy’s coming over tonight and she says she has to watch Eraserhead for her Modern Asymmetric Films class and she wants to, like, mellow out. I’ll text you in case you don’t get this. Call me back.

* * * * * * *

Hey Dan. Guess you left already. I called Jimmy to see if he had a dime, but he said he’s got to lay low for a while because of that thing with the cats and the wood glue.

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Hey Dan, Berg. I stopped by to see if I could catch you on the way out but I just missed you. I waved at you as you got into the taxi but I guess you had your headphones on or something. I chased the taxi for like half a block and some guy in a Tercel gave me the finger. Can you believe people? Look, would you mind if I used my old key from when we were roomies and borrowed a little? Say, maybe a quarter? Call me.

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Hey Jen, It’s Dan. When you get this, could you go by my place and check on it? You’re not going to believe what just happened. You remember my old roommate Berg? He just tried to flag me down outside my place because he’s out of pot. I don’t even have any — the worst thing I have in there are those Oxycontins that I kept in the old Altoids tin, but I think they’re expired.

* * * * * * *

Hey Dan. I guess that key is older than I thought. The landlord made you change your locks, probably. My landlord’s always bugging me about stuff like that too; fire hazards and how that giant battle axe we made out of duct tape and 127 empty Pabst cans was environmentally unsound. The Man, am I right?

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Hey Berg, it’s Cathy. Peach Schnapps and Eraserhead tonight! I’m so excited! Call me and let me know what kind of beer you want. I’m so proud of you for quitting smoking. Love you!

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Hey Dan. I tried Trey next door to see if he had that old spare key, but I guess he’s still pretty upset about that time we crashed at his place and Homeless Carl ate three boxes of Pop Tarts and threw up in the fridge.

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Hey Dan. I thought I’d go in through your kitchen window, just like we used to last summer when we’d had so much peyote that we thought the knocker on your front door was a Nazi demon named Graham Wellington. I shattered the glass a little when I tried to tap it open with the Christmas lawn gnome from your neighbor’s garden. I cut myself some on the frame, but don’t worry — I won’t press charges, ha-ha!

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Hey Dan. Ate the last of your Altoids. I’ll buy more tomorrow. Also, I borrowed your Enya CD because it really puts Cathy in the mood. You weren’t saving those lavender candles for anything special, right?

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All units, this is Dispatch. Burglary reported at 3611 Foster Oaks Place. Suspect is white male, mid-twenties, wearing jeans and Boba Fett tee-shirt. Caller reports suspect carrying armful of candles and CDs, and armed with a lawn gnome. All units in area, please respond.

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Bergie sweetie, I got your text. Call me when you get this. “Enya didn’t make it?” What does that even mean?

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Hey Dan, it’s Jen. I was on my way out the door to check on your place when the news came on. Berg’s building is on fire. Apparently, the firemen broke into the place and all they found was an empty apartment full of burning lavender candles and Eraserhead playing at full volume. The reporter says that the cause of the fire was a busted garbage disposal filled with ceramic lawn gnome fragments. Call me when you land. Oh, and have you seen my Enya CD?

 

 

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