* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where as a weekly publication we don't often get the chance to be very topical. Now, however, Matt Doyle brings us a piece that was written weeks ago, but which -- thanks to our tragicomically dithering chief executive -- still reads like it was ripped from today's headlines.

Official Response To Protestors Of The Regime

By:
matthewfrancisdoyle@gmail.com

Keep calm, and keep calmly protesting, protestors. It’s inspiring to see the spirit of the 1938 revolution that installed us living on in our youth. Whether you’re a decrepit elderly grocer tired of exploitation by warlords, a young fey student sick of the militia occupying your campus, or a handsome third generation President fed up with being kept awake nights by lively chants for your head, you can’t help but marvel at the beauty of a country that allows such movements to exist.

In the interest of peace, the government has suggestions for bringing your scrappy band of pitchfork-wielding villagers into the 21st century. First, take a cue from the Arab Spring and use social media. Those protestors stepped through the door of self-governance Twitters-first. Don’t just take our word for it. Read about it online. We hereby declare the Internet “Open for business” and ready for all your downloads and uploads. (And other loads, too: check out YouPorn, you guys, and let some of that oppressed steam off.)

The Springtime countries used Twitter to organize protests. Let’s show the world how cutting-edge we are by protesting on Twitter. To quote HBO’s Game of Thrones, “Winter is coming” and nobody — protestors or members of the heavily armed riot police — want to be shivering in Freedom Plaza. Tomorrow, on Protest The President Day, there’s no need to leave your warm home or communal cage-space and not watch four Game of Thrones eps in a row. Simply declare your attendance at the Revolution by hashtagging your Game of Thrones tweets #WeAreOneVoice. For example: “WTF Daenyrys. Didn’t see that coming #WeAreOneVoice.” You don’t have HBO?

We hereby declare HBO free for all citizens. (For one month. Then call to cancel.) Watch all the free HBO you desire and still take part in the political process. If the #WeAreOneVoice hashtag trends, free HBO for one more month. The regime recommends Girls. See the Big Apple through the quirky eyes of young writer Hannah played by fabulous Lena Dunham. She’s brave just like you.

We’re not stopping at Twitter though. We’re also allowing Facebook, and creating an Official Presidential Palace page. Now, from the comfort of your home, throw rocks at our home. Tomorrow our glorious leader will post a status update saying, “I am looking out the palace window at the very large protest below. Do I see a rock?” All you do is click “Like” and that counts as a rock. Let’s blow the roof off of FB with all those Likes, citizens! No longer do you need to drop what you’re doing to trudge all the way down to some huddled mass of grimy protestors! You can multitask while you revolt against your oppressor. Scroll through photos of that Zooey Deschanel-looking girl from your poli sci class in one window, while in another you write on your friend’s Wall about how you want to get really mega plastered tonight (We hereby declare alcohol legal for all ages), and in a final window you’re breaking windows on the presidential palace.

Your grandmother’s revolution used Molotov cocktails, but those antiques are not for millennials like you. And the cost isn’t feasible during this global economic downturn. The bottle, perhaps Coca Cola brand, costs $2. The rag, maybe $1.50, and the kerosene, let’s say $15, plus a Bic lighter for $1. Why pay almost $20 for an analog revolutionary tool when a dynamic and simple Like is free? The money you save can be used to purchase multiple virtual Molotov cocktails on our brand new Second Life country, completely mimicking our geography. Virtual Molotov cocktails cost $6 — a savings of $13.50. The regal and historic real-life presidential palace remains in all its glory here, while the virtual one, thanks to you young webvolutionaries, burns brightly. Sic-semper-tyrannis.gov {Easter Egg: If you find the president’s lifeless body in the digital presidential palace, you get three free months of HBO, where you can watch Curb Your Enthusiasm with hilarious Jew Larry David.}

Perhaps you’d prefer to take your protest on-the-go? Download the official regime protest app from the app store for only 99 American cents. And this isn’t your grandfather’s app, no, no. The regime makes protest lots of LOLs. Modeled after the popular Tindr (also now legal), scroll through photos of every regime bureaucrat and military leader with a simple finger swipe. If you choose to oust them, swipe left; if you think they’re dreamy, swipe right. Upload a picture of yourself to help the dreamy ones locate you in a crowd; to perhaps ask you on a date? You get to speak truth to power while still speaking flirts to girls and boys on that web.

But that’s not all. We’re also allowing FourSquare, which lets you Check-In at your location, whether it’s at the cinema watching the latest awe-inspiring sci-fi movie our glorious leader directed, wrote and starred in, or at a secret basement meeting of the Black Bloc at a TBD location.

And don’t let a security checkpoint line-up dissuade you from protesting against us. Keep your mind occupied on our new tablet and mobile game: CandyCrushtheRegime. Line up a series of three similarly-dressed Protestor icons and watch with joy as they’re sprayed off your screen by a powerful burst of water from a firehose. Clear all the Protestors on your screen and win a chance to wield a real-life waterhose in Freedom Plaza. Trust us, it’s actually quite a lot of fun.

If you’re still one of those old-school IRL-protest-types, we’re also selling Guy Fawkes masks for $50. They’re pre-loved from our friends in a neighboring land, but if you don’t mind water spots, burn-marks and bits of shrapnel embedded here and there, they’ll work fine. Put them on, then use the newly legal Instagram to take some snaps of yourself wearing it. Wear it proudly; don’t be #sorrynotsorry. There’ll be plenty of time for regrets later.

Finally, we are pleased to announce that, thanks to most check-ins at the Presidential Palace, the President has been re-elected President. Congratulations to our once and future leader. To protest this election, please hashtag HBO-related tweets #RecountRegime. If over 750,000 citizens tweet, you get a fourth free month of HBO, where you can stream Recount, a damning portrayal of the broken American political process. But to ensure that you are citizen within our borders, using your mobile device, turn on the GPS function so we may receive your exact coordinates.

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