* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we are not ashamed to admit we are targeting the tax returns of humor writers, because who deserves it more than they do? We're sure that after reading this week's shocking expose by Leah Prinzivalli, you will agree. You'd better, or we'll have you audited too.

Proposed Tax Write-Offs From My First Year Out Of College

By:
leah.prinz@gmail.com

Self-employment fee: As a new taxpayer, I’d like to thank the IRS for offering such a large comments section at the end of the tax return. As a freelancer, I’d like to remind you that I am accustomed to being paid by the word. I love being my own boss and deciding when I get paid, how much, and making trivial decisions like how to support myself.

Education expenses: Classes at Mold Yourself Pottery School. Who can resist a strongly worded Groupon? You guys over at the IRS should spot me this time and we can start over with a clean slate. Incidentally, I’ve made seven slates in class, if you want one to buy one for a memento.

Investment in the future: I bought my own domain name this year. This time next year, not only will I know what to put on the homepage, whatever is on there will make me a fortune. No one in my family knows the meaning of the phrase “start-up capital,” but I heard that the IRS has a special fund set aside for it. If not, I suggest you sell vintage calculators on Etsy and start one. Maybe next year we can do a joint sale on Tax Day.

Charity work: I gave half my halal to a homeless guy the other week. Okay, honestly? I only thought about it. He looked like he didn’t even want it. It was pretty all right for lunch the next day. Does eating leftovers qualify for anything?

Healthcare credit: My New Year’s Resolution was to not drink soda, and I’ve only broken it three times. Bloomberg is giving out cash for that, I think.

Relationship deductions: I don’t have a relationship per se, but I do have an OkCupid A-List profile. My motto is “judge not lest ye be judged.” Or, pay $9.95 and anonymously troll for guys with keywords “traditional,” “dinner” or “job.”

Business start-up costs: One simply cannot expect the variables of the mason jar market to conform because some squares at the IRS said so. I abide by my jart, regardless of whether I earn your callus “returns.”

Points for refinancing: On Thursdays, I force myself to look at my checking account statement. On an unrelated note, attached is my standing delivery order for one mac-and-cheese and one brownie sundae every Thursday at 9:00 p.m. It’s the least you can do.

Casualty deductions: If I were to, just an example, get kidnapped and held for ransom, would you guys cover round trip airfare to Ibiza for the captor? I’d love to take a beach casualty sometime around late spring, early summer.

Management and administration: My intern is going to quit unless I start to reimburse his Metrocard. Milo is my muse and has inspired great business ideas such as the customized novel and renting out my blankets. Also, he is a twig and I really need him around as thinspiration otherwise I will never make it to spin class every day.

Entertainment expenses: Look, I’m going to level with you here. Rihanna is playing at the Barclays Center and I really want to go. I’m not talking about bleacher seats either. By this time next year, I will only have a Swiss bank account, so you should probably get in good now.

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