Self-employment fee: As a new taxpayer, I’d like to thank the IRS for offering such a large comments section at the end of the tax return. As a freelancer, I’d like to remind you that I am accustomed to being paid by the word. I love being my own boss and deciding when I get paid, how much, and making trivial decisions like how to support myself.
Education expenses: Classes at Mold Yourself Pottery School. Who can resist a strongly worded Groupon? You guys over at the IRS should spot me this time and we can start over with a clean slate. Incidentally, I’ve made seven slates in class, if you want one to buy one for a memento.
Investment in the future: I bought my own domain name this year. This time next year, not only will I know what to put on the homepage, whatever is on there will make me a fortune. No one in my family knows the meaning of the phrase “start-up capital,” but I heard that the IRS has a special fund set aside for it. If not, I suggest you sell vintage calculators on Etsy and start one. Maybe next year we can do a joint sale on Tax Day.
Charity work: I gave half my halal to a homeless guy the other week. Okay, honestly? I only thought about it. He looked like he didn’t even want it. It was pretty all right for lunch the next day. Does eating leftovers qualify for anything?
Healthcare credit: My New Year’s Resolution was to not drink soda, and I’ve only broken it three times. Bloomberg is giving out cash for that, I think.
Relationship deductions: I don’t have a relationship per se, but I do have an OkCupid A-List profile. My motto is “judge not lest ye be judged.” Or, pay $9.95 and anonymously troll for guys with keywords “traditional,” “dinner” or “job.”
Business start-up costs: One simply cannot expect the variables of the mason jar market to conform because some squares at the IRS said so. I abide by my jart, regardless of whether I earn your callus “returns.”
Points for refinancing: On Thursdays, I force myself to look at my checking account statement. On an unrelated note, attached is my standing delivery order for one mac-and-cheese and one brownie sundae every Thursday at 9:00 p.m. It’s the least you can do.
Casualty deductions: If I were to, just an example, get kidnapped and held for ransom, would you guys cover round trip airfare to Ibiza for the captor? I’d love to take a beach casualty sometime around late spring, early summer.
Management and administration: My intern is going to quit unless I start to reimburse his Metrocard. Milo is my muse and has inspired great business ideas such as the customized novel and renting out my blankets. Also, he is a twig and I really need him around as thinspiration otherwise I will never make it to spin class every day.
Entertainment expenses: Look, I’m going to level with you here. Rihanna is playing at the Barclays Center and I really want to go. I’m not talking about bleacher seats either. By this time next year, I will only have a Swiss bank account, so you should probably get in good now.
