* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we would be more than happy to let you tell us, in meticulous detail, how to run our lives. But first you have to pass new contributor Katherine Shaw’s vetting process. So yeah, right now we're telling you how to run YOUR life. That's life!

Ten Interview Questions For A Part-Time Life Coach (Who Doubles As A Therapist (Who’s Actually An Adult Nanny))

By:
shaw.kk89@gmail.com

Congratulations on making it to the second round of the application process! As you know, our client is in need of a part-time life coach, preferably one with a background in psychology. However, spending a few after-college summers as an au pair will suffice.

Our client seeks candidates with a passion for resolving existential crises by providing soothing affirmations that life has meaning despite:
1) The looming environmental catastrophe that scientists believe will end civilization by 2050,
2) Women losing bodily autonomy, which doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the End of Days, and
3) finding love and a fulfilling career is passé, boring, stale as a cracker at Grocery Outlet.

Note: delivering affirmations in a sing-songy tone will be considered an act of gross condescension and will result in immediate dismissal. 

Please take a few minutes to review the following interview questions. Today’s interview panel consists of our client, along with dissociative embodiments of herself at ages 6 and 13 and 24.

  1. In your professional opinion, can I get pink eye from drying my face with my body towel?
  2. I’m asking because my bum area never seems to dry after a shower unless I get the towel really up there.
  3. I mean, my bum area is definitely clean after showering. But what about cross-contamination and micro-germs? Or do I just call them germs? I suppose germs are microscopic…
  4. TMI? Dang, I always have issues with that! In your experience, how do you know when you’ve gone too far in a conversation?
  5. Oh! So, you’re saying that this interview is an obvious example of TMI. Would you say TMI is a bad trait? Cause I’ve been told it’s not good. 
  6. But, if you think about the concept of TMI in relation to gender, isn’t it a bit un-feminist of others to ask me to “simmer down” and to speak my mind less often?
  7. Shhh – hold on! I’m not finished speaking. Here’s my hypothesis: if I’m consistently TMI, does that mean others are just TLI, too little information? Perhaps my intelligence just intimidates most…
  8. Don’t you start with this “your arrogance is showing” lecture. I wish I was just a pinch arrogant! Do you even want this job?!
  9. A nap? Why would you suggest a nap?!

15 restful minutes later…

  1. But seriously, can I get pink eye from using my body towel on my face? I keep waking up with crust in my eyes. Okay, yeah, I could use a separate face towel, but I’m trying to be environmentally friendly. No, I’m not just being lazy! But also, how do you feel about doing my laundry?

We plan on contacting interviewees next Tuesday and will invite the top two candidates for a final interview. The final interview will be a skills lab.

In this skills lab, you and our client will discuss the application of Brené Brown’s work to everyday issues such as online dating and realizing that you might have wasted your youthful potential in a soul-sucking career. Chardonnay, lavender aromatherapy, and weighted blankets will be provided.

Until you hear back from us, please refrain from contacting our client for questions. Our client especially does not want to receive feedback on the structure of today’s interview.

Sincerely,

Katherine at ages 6 and 13 and 24, and also a version of herself that recruits for part-time life coaches (and there’s a sixth identity in there somewhere…)

 

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