* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where the only thing better than summer camp is returning to the summer camp of your youth. Maybe. Better check with Josh Lorenzo first!

Welcome To Summer Camp 1985: Where We’ll Do Our Best To Make Your Stay At 33 Years Ago A Pleasant One

By: Josh Lorenzo

Welcome to summer camp 1985, teenagers! We hope that you will find this experience a unique and enjoyable one. While we know you will undoubtedly miss 2018, Summer Camp 1985 offers many promising opportunities for you.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t go over some very important ground rules before you all take a 33-year step back in time.

No cellphones will be permitted in summer camp 1985 because 1985 neither has the capacity for the technology involved, or is ill-equipped to deal with forms of communication that aren’t face-to-face. 1985 doesn’t know what snapchat is, nor does 1985 care. Don’t even bother asking Summer Camp 1985 what its wi-fi password is.

Now, some of you teenagers may be asking yourselves, “Well, like, how are we supposed to communicate with each other without our phones?” You’ll be pleased to know that 1985 is fluent in English, and you can therefore talk directly to your camp mates.

Please note; it’s important that you look each other in the eye and talk slowly and deliberately, at least until you acclimate to this new form of communication. Also, please monitor your own facial expressions while conversing with others. These are called non-verbal communications and they have a strong ability to offend people if you aren’t careful. Of concern is the audacious eye rolls and the exacerbated looks that we so easily give to others through the protection of a cell phone text message. Cute emojis will be unable to save you in 1985.

Others may be asking, “How are we supposed to take pictures here?” We will be providing each camper with a disposable camera, along with instructions on how to use it.Now, you won’t necessarily be able to see your photos until they are developed, a process that includes literally taking the camera to a place where they’ll extract a thing called “film,” and develop it for you. It is therefore impossible to add stupid cat ears and tiaras to your faces in real time. With this antiquated form of memory preservation, you will either need to accept the photos as they are, or manually draw your little designs on the actual printed photos.

Please also note, the taking of selfies is extremely difficult with an actual camera so you would be advised to either recruit someone else to take a photo of you, or take a photo of someone else for a change.

GPS wasn’t around in 1985, so if you find yourself astray from the rest of the group, each camper will be provided with something called a map. You may be asking yourselves, “What’s a map?” If you’ve ever seen a globe in school, a map is basically a flat version of that. We will be offering a mandatory map reading class. It’s been our experience that parents frown upon us losing their children in the wilderness of 1985, so please pay attention to this very important course. It may just save your lives.

Unfortunately, you can’t ping yourself on a map, nor will you be able to estimate your arrival time back at camp. The map won’t respond to “Siri,” either. Please also note, the folding of the map into its original format is impossible. Don’t become frustrated by this unbearable task.

Your parents are encouraged to write you something called letters. Letters are essentially the Grandparents of text messages. These are handwritten notes that will arrive on pieces of paper, in envelopes, from a place called the Post Office. Your parents spent a lot of time composing and mailing these letters to you. They’ll be replete with misspellings, a peril of any handwritten note. Should you express interest in sending them a handwritten letter back, trained counselors will be available to assist you.

Please also note that excitedly opening these envelopes can lead to an insidious injury known as a paper cut. These injuries may not increase mortality, but the morbidity associated with them can be untenable. A nurse will be on hand to address these calamitous injuries should they occur.

It’s our hope that after spending time in this antiquated camp, the experiences you acquire here will allow you to better appreciate your parents’ childhood experiences. You’ll be ready the next time they start off a sentence with, “Well, back in my day…”

So, campers, welcome to Summer Camp 1985! We’ll do our best to make your stay at 33 years ago, a pleasant one.