* Welcome to The Big Jewel, also known as the sport of kings. This week once again we feature the king of sports, football, as manifested in its favorite son Brett Favre. Consider this piece by our good friend Greg Boose the second in our two-part series on the not so retiring quarterback.

eBay Case Details for Minnesota Vikings Poker Chip Guard Protector

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Case details

Item: Minnesota Vikings Poker Chip and Guard Protector
Transaction end: Oct-11-09
Seller: BrettF4
Buyer: GregB
Case Type: Unpaid Item
Case status: Open

Messages

eBay: BrettF4 has opened an Unpaid Item case for “Minnesota Vikings Poker Chip and Guard Protector.” Please pay for the item or respond to the seller before Oct-31-2009.

GregB: Hey man, sorry I didn’t follow through with this purchase. The fact is that I was doing some research for a humor article I wanted to write, I came across this silly poker chip thing and its superfluous plastic case, and then one of my cats walked across my keyboard. Apparently he made me hit the “Buy It Now” button and then confirmed it with a back paw. Ridiculous, I know, but the truth. I will not be buying this item. I’m not even a Vikings fan (Go Browns!). Thanks for understanding and please close this case.

BrettF4: Hello, GregB. That’s funny about your cat, but the fact is that the button was still pushed and you are now committed under eBay rules to buy this Minnesota Vikings Poker Chip and Guard Protector. When you commit to something, anything, you must follow through. You cannot waver. People around the country, around the world, in Vegas for sure, will be affected by your decision. So the sooner you buy this (perfect condition) poker chip and its important (minor scratch) protector, the easier it will be on everyone. Although, after talking about it with my close friends and God, me keeping the poker chip could be a really good thing for me and my family.

GregB: Listen, BrettF4, I get where you’re coming from — the “Buy It Now” button was officially hit — but there’s no way I’m buying this item. Number one: What the hell would I do with a poker chip that has the Minnesota Vikings logo on it? Number two: Why would I need a plastic guard protector for it? I’m not 11 years old. I do not have a shelf in my condo for embarrassing sports memorabilia. I did not push the “Buy It Now” button on purpose. Let it go and put it back up for sale. Thanks.

BrettF4: I’m not going to lie to you, I believe that the returning of my poker chip to my collection would be great for me. I can’t see how it wouldn’t be. But if you’re going to criticize me for saying I’m going to take the thing back and then for me saying that you are obligated to buy it now, then don’t open your email and read these messages. If you’re a true poker chip fan, you’d understand.

GregB: ??? I’m not a poker chip fan; I’m a craps guy. The last thing I collected was Kurt Vonnegut’s entire catalog, and I’m kinda bored with that now. Keep the freaking thing. Me, and my roommates who have to listen to me, are totally over you and your keen ability to string me along with your indecision. Just retire the case already and move on. Leave me alone so we can all focus on other items like my bid to buy your half-bottles of “Vicodin-like, But Not Vicodin, Candy Pills.”

BrettF4: I’m happy about my decision and I haven’t once said, “I wonder if I made the wrong decision to sell this Vikings Poker Chip and its Guard Protector.” I know it’s the right one. I still have the itch. I AM RETIRING.

GregB: Dude, you’re losing me here. It’s almost like you are confusing me on purpose because you love all the attention you’re getting from me, and most likely from your other buyers. It’s narcissistic and isn’t as exciting as you must think it is. Are you saying that you are retiring from the idea of selling it, or are you going to continue to be vague and give me an “Unpaid Item” strike on my account? Because that would totally blow.

BrettF4: What don’t you understand? That I’m un-retiring from the idea of selling this amazing poker chip and protector guard? Or the fact that I’m officially retiring from being a collector of NFL poker chips and their protector guards?

GregB: Ugh. Confused…Please make up your mind of what you’re going to do. I think I’m going to close this eBay account.

BrettF4: GregB, I’ve given everything I can to this collection, to collecting as a whole, and I don’t think I have anything left to give. That’s it. I’m too old for this stuff. I know I can still collect, but I don’t know if I still want to. As I look back on my career in poker chips and their protector guards, and on my career with NFL memorabilia, I have no regrets. Also, hey, would you be interested in selling me back that Minnesota Vikings Poker Chip Guard and Protector for my collection?

GregB: Wait. Dammit. You want me to sell you that stupid piece of crap back? I haven’t even officially bought it.

BrettF4: Everyone who I’ve talked to; former collectors, poker players who use novelty chips, and people I accosted on the street who I begged to talk about me in the third person as if they were on SportsCenter said if I wanted to get back into it this, then the Minnesota Vikings chip is a perfect fit. It really is. Once again there’s no guarantee, but I have a really good collection of memorabilia going here with one New York Jets frisbee and several Packers beer koozies, plus I have an intention of getting my hands on a Tampa Bay Bucs iPhone case next year, and from my standpoint, I feel like I could offer some real collectible selling experience and leadership. I have to admit, through this whole process, after I said no seven days ago, at times I was okay with it but at other times I felt like I could really collect all 32 NFL poker chips, and I think that’s the competitive fire in me. As a collector, regardless of theme, you have to feel like you can make a difference. I truly feel like I can, so I just didn’t want to look back. I have no idea how I will feel a year from now, five years from now, 10 years from now. But I didn’t want to say, “What if I still had that Vikings chip and protector guard?”

GregB: For the love of God, keep it, please. It’s all yours. You are one frustrating eBayer to deal with, you know that?

BrettF4: Yeah, I’ve made mistakes along the way, we all have. But if I had to do it all over again, I would do it the same way.

eBay: This case is closed. The buyer and seller have agreed not to complete the transaction.

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A Potential Investor Speaks Up After Kurt Russell’s Character Finishes His “Wonders of the World” Miniature Golf Course Proposal in the Movie Overboard

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Mr. Proffitt, if you don’t mind, I would like to stop you right there and interject. Now, to begin, and I believe I speak for all of us here tonight sitting around this very long picnic-like table in this drafty back room, we’d like to thank you and your colleague for your time this evening. I never thought I would set foot in a restaurant named something like Crabs ‘R’ Us, a place with sawdust on the floor and no mirror in the Men’s room, but I also never thought that my partner, Mr. Robinson down there at the end, would stretch the truth to get me to leave my family up in Portland this morning for a pestilent hell-hole like Elk Cove. There are firsts for everything, I suppose. And Mr. Robinson, you sir, are in for quite the car ride home.

But I’ve sat back quietly and listened to your proposal; I’ve watched you down Coors Light after Coors Light after, well, Coors Light while your meaty colleague Mr. Pratt here continually spilled his beer on my Ralph Lauren shirtsleeves, and I’ve carefully examined your wife’s charming sketches on the flimsy and beer-soaked paper that have made their way down to me. By the way, Mr. Proffitt, I would suggest that you procure some foam board or some nice Japanese paper the next time you decide to give a presentation that includes concept specs.

My answer, unfortunately, is no. I will not be investing in your “Wonders of the World” miniature golf course for the following reasons:

First, I must point out that these sketches don’t really give me an idea of what your miniature golf course will look like. Take this one, for example. This is just a poorly drawn pyramid and some palm trees. I know what a pyramid looks like; I was in both Giza and Saqqara just this last October. You simply could have just said the word “pyramid” and I’d be able to conjure up a pretty good image. Where does the ball go in, Mr. Proffitt? This drawing, like many of the others, doesn’t show the architecture of the actual golf course. I don’t see any greens, holes, or families of four smiling with putters sticking out of their hands. No aerial view. No real color supplements in these. Gibberish and gobbledygook, honestly. I will say, though, that the drawing of the Statue of Liberty holding a golf ball instead of the torch is very cute. Please tell your wife I said so. By the way, when did you get married? Mr. Robinson said you were a bachelor carpenter.

Second, are you going to tell me that the folks of Elk Cove know what the St. Basil’s Cathedral is? Or The Parthenon, even? I know you want to, as you say, “Bring some of the outer world into Elk Cove,” but I’ve had a chance to see the town, and frankly I might have decided upon a brewery or mustache theme. Or perhaps you could have picked some more well-known monuments for the community – some value-added resources based on your demographic – and maybe recreate Babe the Blue Ox or the largest ball of dirt.

And finally, I should tell you that I don’t make a habit of going into business with persons who wear jeans, checkered flannel shirts and knitted, square-ended ties to an investment meeting. Look around; everyone else besides your partner, who now has a napkin sticking out of his sweat-soaked collar, is wearing a suit and a starched shirt. With real ties, Mr. Proffitt. Made of silk. I know it’s not my place, but maybe you can ask that new wife of yours go shopping for you. This is all just something to keep in mind for the next time you decide to pitch this idea to a table of outside investors. And you might also want to think about getting yourself a haircut, Mr. Proffitt. You’re asking me for money, not for a bowling match.

Now, I overheard you ask that gentleman if he’s ever been nervous in his life, and I would assume that he has. He’s sitting next to a rambling mountain man who wants to build a miniature golf course without a plan that captures a decent profit margin, after all. Plus, he’s stuck in some tiny Oregon town whose claim to fame at the moment is that a strange woman has recently been found bobbing in the harbor with amnesia.

I think I’ve said enough on this subject, Mr. Proffitt. I trust that you will be picking up the bill for these small crab claws that were dropped on my plate and for the delicious tap water? Thank you very much.

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Friday Is Jeans Day!

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From the Marketing and Communications Department

Hello G&K employees,

This Friday is going to be a jeans day in the downtown and Cuyahoga Falls offices for all employees. Everyone is encouraged to wear jeans and also anything with the company name or logo on it. That means company T-shirts if you have one.

This jeans day has been scheduled because of this weekend’s Friends & Families Fair taking place on Saturday (see attachment for directions and general information), but it is also going to be in honor of one of Greason & Kasper’s most beloved employees who suddenly and unexpectedly passed away late last week, Jerry Jeans.

As many of you know, Jerry Jeans worked in the Finance Department for over 37 years. He had a widely known penchant for office humor and practical jokes, and will be remembered for his ability to bring people together through laughter (and asymmetric tax explanations). On Monday we sent out a company-wide email for your favorite Jerry Jeans memories, and here are some of them:

“I loved how Jerry would always wash down a handful of vitamins/pills with a whole can of V8 juice (yuck!) on the elevator ride up to his floor every morning. If you were on that elevator with him, then you were encouraged by everyone else to chant for him to chug it, chug it, chug it. I always felt bad when he coughed up some V8 onto the floor or onto his shirt, but he always laughed at himself and wiped it up immediately. I’ll really miss him and all the humor he brought to the office.” — Gerald Nguyen, Tech Ops

“I was working late one night and I saw Jerry in the lunch room digging carefully through one of the small refrigerators. I think I really spooked him when I said hello, but then he started joking around and immediately grabbed his left arm and fell over groaning. He really got into it and rolled around and around until I left. I never laughed so hard. I remember it well because it was my daughter’s birthday that day.” — Allison Frechs, Marketing

“Everyone knew how Jerry Jeans was such a kidder, but he really had me a couple weeks ago when I walked around the corner and saw him slumped against the wall with a paper bag held to his face. I ran over and crouched down to ask if he was okay, but he just waved me off (must not have wanted me ruining the joke for the next person/victim). I couldn’t believe it. That Jerry! And it was always sweet of him when he brought in cupcakes that his wife made. She’s such a great baker.” — Nancy Thayer, Operations

“Jerry was like a father to me. On my first day (just this month on the 1st), he literally grabbed me by the arm – he had such a strong grip!!! – and showed me around until we got to his desk where he acted like he’d never sat down before. From then on I always let him mess with me and grab my arm until I escorted him over to his area. His wife wasn’t exactly the best baker, but Jerry always shared what she gave him.” — Sarah Michaels, Human Resources

“Jerry was so much fun! Whenever I was feeling down he could always put a smile on my face. One day he really broke the tension in the conference room after an important finance meeting by pretending that he lost his sight temporarily, and then when he regained his sight he said he had severe vertigo before throwing up all over my chair. Such a hoot, that guy. I’ll really miss him.” — Brian Rickers, Finance

“One thing that really sticks out about Jerry is when he called me really early one morning at home and whispered all these things I couldn’t understand. I didn’t know who it was so I ‘star-sixty-nined’ him, totally busting his prank-calling scheme. I swear I laughed all the way to the office that day and thought about how I’d get him back, but he ended up calling in sick.” — Frankie Opper, Assistant to the President

“Just last week Jerry really pulled a real doozy on the whole team by showing up in his pajamas and unshaved, acting like he didn’t recognize a soul in the room. He took it a big step further and crapped his pants right there on the spot! OMG! The place went crazy. That guy was definitely one of a kind. I can’t believe he’s gone.” — Vernon Nausette, Finance

“Jerry was absolutely loved by the lobby personnel. There were days when he would just walk right in with his tomato juice and head for the elevators, and then there were days like Thursday and Friday of last week when he just wanted to lean against the lobby wall for a while with his eyes closed. Twice he fell right to his knees. I had no idea he was such a religious man. Things won’t be the same around here.” — Lawrence Brown, Security

In honor of Jerry Jeans and his tenure at Greason & Kasper, there will be a short teleconference memorial over the Web for all G&K people on Friday. You will be able to participate live, so if you think you might know where Jerry’s telephone handset, computer keyboard, or the remote control to the 38th floor lounge can be found, please speak up then. Check our home page for the access url to join.

And please no frayed jeans or jeans with holes. Work shoes only.

Regards,

Thomas Tienick

Director of Communications

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And Another Message from the LABBA Email List Serve Group

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Hello Again Everyone,

Sorry…Forgive me again! But as a really quick follow-up email to the email I just sent out 15 secs ago, I just want to say a few more things…

Number 1 (again): Michael still won’t answer his phone so I don’t know EXACTLY when he left the booth or remember if he was wearing cargo shorts or not. I just freaking tried calling him AGAIN! Like I told everyone, I was getting lemonade with Rick and his wife Sara.

Number 2: No, it wasn’t really my designated break time BUT I told Melissa R. that I was going for lemonade and would be RIGHT back. She said “Okay, Tricia.” Everyone should remember that -– and I say it all the time like at the pot luck dinners — I make the schedule and so that means I can break the schedule (like if I need to get something to survive like a freaking cold drink in the hot blazing sun).

I was there at 8 a.m. before anyone else. When did you get there?

Number 3: Yes, I’m PERFECTLY aware that Nancy and Sue lost quite a bit of merchandise and then some rare beanies fell into some dirty water. I’m also PERFECTLY aware that I’ve offered Nancy a mint Smoochy and a near-mint Legs at a huuuuuge freaking discount to replace her stolen Web (without its TY tag!!!), but she and her daughters (and cousins and sisters and I think aunts?) keep emailing me really awful notes, even though Nancy recently quit LABBA. There’s absolutely no reason to be so cruel, Nancy! (And I know that you’ve tried to unsubscribe to this group email list seven times but I’m not letting you because I still think you need to hear all this.) I’m thinking about forwarding all of those nasty and terrible emails out to everyone on this list RIGHT after I send this email. The fact that I was called a liar and something I can’t even pronounce is more hurtful than you’ll all ever know.

Ever know.

Tricia

P.S. Remember to show up at least one hour early to Isn’t That Bazaar this Saturday to set up if you are planning on selling. You’re S.O.L. if you don’t. And I need your $20 table-sharing fee up front, like always.

P.P.S. 3rd Quarter dues are due in ten days!

P.P.P.S. If you received this email like five freaking times, I’m sorry. My internet is being stupid.

Regards,

Patricia Ferris

President, Secretary, Artist and Treasurer

The Legendary Authentic Beanie Babies Association

MissTrishy@hotmail.com

DIRECTIONS FOR THE L.A.B.B.A. EMAIL LIST SERVE

1. To remove yourself from the LABBA email list serve group, you must send a message to listserv@mail.pleasebuymybeaniebabies.org with the subject saying: “SIGNOFF LABBA –- I gave up when the demand told me to, and now I’ve let everyone else still in the group down.”

2. To enroll in, or to be considered for, the LABBA email list serve group, you must send a COMPLETE list of your beanie baby collection -– highlighting any prize or rare pieces like an Authenticated 2nd Gen Humphrey The Camel, a Tabasco The Bull, a Princess Diana Bear, any retired beanies, or anything from the Woodland Collection -– to these three people: ROBERTFERRIS@comcast.net, LarryRofflan@aol.com, and MissTrishy@hotmail.com. Send bios and a picture of you and your beanie babies set up in a circle around the base of any lawn statue or set up on some front steps to MissTrishy@hotmail.com. You will receive a congratulatory or other email in less than 14 days.

3. Please address questions concerning club dues and “counterfeit” swimming pool coupons to MissTrishy@hotmail.com. Address questions concerning insurance and display case repairs to Robert Ferris at ROBERTFERRIS@comcast.net. Please email all other questions to MissTrishy@hotmail.com or ROBERTFERRIS@comcast.net, and NOT to the National Beanie Babies Association or to anyone named Nancy or N. Murdoch (of the new and completely useless United Beanies Union Group who only have seven members [who are all related]).

4. Messages to the LABBA list group should be about “hot” flea markets, new and true selling techniques, trading, identifying unauthentic babies, AA group times and intervention methods, and NOT about complaining about club dues or low f@*%king eBay bids.

5. Please do not send requests asking for advice on beanie baby pricing to the group. If you don’t know what the market value of your babies is, then you shouldn’t be selling your babies. Period.

6. To order an official LABBA T-shirt, please send $29.95 through PayPal to MissTrishy@hotmail.com. Please be sure to specify if you want Trap The Mouse on the front or Inky The Octopus (tan, with mouth). Only L and XL available. 50 percent cotton.

We appreciate your participation in the LABBA group very much. Remember that we’re always accepting pictures of you with your beanie babies for our web site!

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My Dog Custody Proposals

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My friends David and Natalie are getting divorced and they have two beautiful and well-trained dogs. Because they don’t know how to separate the dogs or decide who should get them, I’ve come up with several proposals for who should retain custody:

1. David and Natalie should both procure experienced family law attorneys. After a series of meetings, the friend who was deemed the primary caregiver of the dogs throughout the duration of the marriage should retain custody of the dogs. If the process is too painful, then I could take the dogs off of their hands because they’re so much fun and know a lot of tricks.

2. Holding a butcher knife above my head, I will offer to cut the dogs into equal halves so that David and Natalie can each kind of own both. When one of my friends stops my down-swinging arm and says that they would rather the dogs go to the other person instead of getting chopped up, whoever is wearing the most orange at that moment retains custody of both dogs. If neither is wearing orange, then I take custody of the dogs.

3. In a well-kept park that is over 100 yards long and that contains at least 25 large trees and one circular fountain, David and Natalie will stand exactly 90 yards apart. In equal distance between my friends are their two dogs locked in a big cage that is covered with a dark blanket. (The dogs haven’t been fed in 24 hours.) When I shoot my pistol in the air, David and Natalie will commence yelling and whistling at the cage. The blanket is then lifted and I will open the gate, letting the hungry animals run loose. The first dog to reach either one of my friends is mine, and the second dog to reach one of my friends goes back into the cage. The blanket is replaced and I let my friends yell and whistle some more. After two blasts from my air horn, my friends are to get down on their hands and knees and start barking. I remove the blanket and open the gate, and whoever the second dog goes to owns him/her. If the second dog doesn’t reach either person in less than 15 seconds or chooses to eat the pile of raw meat from my hands, then that dog is also mine.

4. The friend who can best explain The Matrix Reloaded to my mother retains custody of both dogs. I get the dogs if my mother still doesn’t understand who the French guy is.

5. They play a best-of-11 series of “Paper, rock, scissors,” which I’ve renamed “Newspaper, tennis ball, neutering knife.” The winner of the series gets both dogs unless he or she forgets to call the neutering knife by its correct name. If that happens I get both dogs, and whoever misspoke has to pay for my first two visits to the vet.

6. At high noon, David and Natalie are to swim out to the middle of a lake and act like they’re drowning while both dogs are dropped onto the roof of my pet-friendly apartment building by a helicopter. If either of my friends shows up and rings my doorbell four times before 2 p.m., then that person gets the dog that’s closest to my backdoor after the second ring. The dog closest to me is forever mine. If the dog that is the closest to me is the same that is the closest to the backdoor after the second ring, then whoever can drink a 20-ounce bottle of Frost Gatorade the fastest without throwing up wins the saddest dog in the apartment and the never-been-used blue thermos in my cupboard that I keep forgetting about.

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My Friday, As Retold By The Scrolling “Missed Connections” Headlines On Chicago’s Craigslist.com”

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Friday 5/11/07

so so so sorry you spilled yr coffee when I opened the door. I hope your day gets better. – w4m – 24 (Southport Starbucks)

you were the hot blonde in a yellow top standing next to the guy with coffee all over his shirt. We made eye contact several times and laughed about him. I would love to meet up with you somewhere where that guy isn’t! Ha! – m4w – 31 (Brownline)

Did anybody else see that lady sneeze ketchup in that guy’s face???!!!! Oh my God!!! Brownline to the Loop 8:42 am. TOTALLY F@%*ED UP. – (brownline)

we both got off at the wrong stop, you cried – w4m – 32 (Armitage)

Friday morning caught in the sudden downpour. Me: Attractive redhead with black purse. You: Hot Asian guy with long hair gently kicking the scary dude face down in the grass with maybe blood on his collar. You a doctor? Let’s have a drink! – w4m – 26 (State st)

to the old lady who got her umbrella stolen by that screaming shirtless guy, sorry I didn’t intervene. I kind of just froze. – w4w (Randolph St)

10 am, brownhaired guy in line at the Dress Barn…dude, that place is for women! Did you hear me pounding on the glass??!! – (downtown)

You were the guy sitting crosslegged in the corner of my elevator wearing a red blouse with yr head down – w4m – (181 N Clark)

saw you getting yelled at by your short boss. Where’d you get that nice blouse? Seriously. – m4m – (181 N clark)

To the beautiful Spanish woman who pointed out to everyone passing by on the escalator that a guy was wearing a woman’s shirt. I had the Bears hat and yellow polo on. PLEASE contact me. – m4w – 30 (Marshall’s)

Tall guy trying on the green buttondown shirt at Marshall’s. Hate to tell ya but it didn’t match with your brown pants. (downtown)

Yo! Sorry to whoevers wrist I stepped on in the stairwell but that bomb threat really freaked me out – m4m – (2nd Floor? Marshalls)

You dropped your wallet inside Marshall’s. I have it! Message me and tell me your name. – (Marshall’s)

I didn’t know it was going to be the last piece of sausage and banana pepper. You didn’t have to yell at me, dickface – (Sbarros)

You were the security guard w/ the soothing and sexy voice talking to the guy in the green hiding behind the card machine. Wished you would talk to me with that voice over a glass of wine or cup of coffee. – w4m – 34 (State/Lake station)

Re: I saw that! You really stomped on him. — Yo! Sorry to whoevers wrist I stepped on in the stairwell but that bomb threat really freaked me out – m4m – (2nd Floor? Marshalls)

Some jerk wouldn’t let you sit down on the train because he had his “very broken hand” on the other seat. You: blue shirt, black skirt, great legs and a gorgeous pout. I was the guy who offered you my seat and got off at Fullerton – m4w – 23 (redline)

Re: Re: I feel really bad about it. I can’t get his squeal out of my head. — Re: I saw that! You really stomped on him. — Yo! Sorry to whoevers wrist I stepped on in the stairwell but that bomb threat really freaked me out – m4m – (2nd Floor? Marshalls)

Have a missed connection with a gray moped? It was totally stolen by a guy in a green shirt while I watched from the third floor. Thief really favored his left arm. I called the cops! – (Lincoln&Roscoe)

Now that’s a wipeout!!! I thought you were dead but then you moved. – (Lincoln)

Left your moped on fire and ran. – (Lincoln)

Found your keys in the street. – (Lincoln)

To the skinny guy running by with his clothes on fire. Stop, drop, and roll, mofo. – (Lincoln)

Missed connection with my clothes on the line in my backyard. Up yours you kleptomaniacal freak. – (3400 block N. Ashland)

4PM – You were the pretty black girl who got knocked over by the screaming guy being escorted out of Bank of America. I was the good looking tall guy in the red puma jacket who held the door. What happened? – m4w – 36 (Lakeview)

You kicked my husband in the chest for just saying your clothes might be too big for you. If we see you again… – w4m (Cornelia Street)

to the guy who wanted to trade his watch for a ride to his landlord’s office. you sounded desperate and sincere, but I never let strangers in my car. sorry. – w4m (Lakeview)

Hey Jackass! I almost ran you over – (white Honda on Broadway)

I let you borrow my cell phone and you wept like a child. Turn to the Lord Jesus! He loves you! – m4m – 55 (Chicago)

9:15pm…Scrawny dude with wrist wrapped in napkins, sitting outside Potbelly’s and shivering in a huge T-shirt. You should have just stood up to the manager instead of flipping over that table. – (on Southport)

You were the hot blonde woman playing tug-of-war over a red sweater with some maniac guy. Wished I got out of my car to help! You are totally beautiful. – m4w – (Roscoe St.)

Midnight – to the guy in the red sweater at the Pick Me Up Café. Really sorry I bumped your table and spilled your coffee. I would have bought you another cup if you hadn’t run off like that. – w4m – 34 (Lakeview)

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Bill Walton Helps You Open A Chase Free Checking Account

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Welcome back to Chase Bank here on Ashland and Roscoe. Truly great to have you with us on this beautiful Wednesday morning. This branch is not only one of the best branches in the city, but it’s quite possibly one of the best branches in the entire history of the world. You’ve just witnessed a spectacular display of customer service up at the teller window with Barbara, and now I will show you the superb benefits of a Chase Free Checking account. Goodness gracious alive. It doesn’t get any better than this.

With our free checking account you will have total access to over 7,300 Chase ATMs and 2,600 branches nationwide. I am truly stunned to hear that you had your last account over at First Federal with their despicable monthly fees and lackluster show in available ATMs. I’m shocked at their display. I scratch my head in bewilderment over the fact that you weren’t even offered online statements. They didn’t give you a choice over check safekeeping? Balderdash. That’s a terrible call. Terrible. Chase Bank is doing things we’ve never seen before from anybody — from any planet! This might very well be the best account for you in the history of Western Civilization.

There’s absolutely no minimum balance for your free checking account when using direct deposit, which is just spectacular. Just outstanding. You also get free online bill pay, and that right there is one of the true marvels of this wondrous world, if not of all the galaxies. You can actually pay your cell phone bill over the Internet. No more of those suffocating and exasperating lines at the post office. Chase is the greatest thing to happen to demand deposit accounts in a long time.

Now it doesn’t take a genius of the human spirit, or someone who went to UCLA, to understand that you might overdraw your account. That’s why the superb beings at Chase offer overdraft protection in the form of a credit card that is directly linked to your checking account. Remember that failing to prepare is preparing to fail, and that sacred cows make the best hamburger. I’m not a critic, just a reporter of the facts: Having overdraft protection is just one the true marvels of Chase Bank. Not just of this generation, but of all time. I can’t say enough about their resolve. Breathtaking move. Just remarkable.

I’m mainstream; always have been. On the other hand, I’m 6-foot-11 and I’ve got red hair, freckles, and I’m a goofy, nerdy-looking guy with a speech impediment — I stutter and stammer all the time – and to top it all off, I’m a Deadhead. But I found a safe place in life in the plethora of Chase’s personal banking services. If Chase Bank, the epitome of competitive greatness, can give a man like me or a man like you the opportunity to exceed the hype and receive a free Chase Check Card and personalized email alerts when there is suspicious activity on your account, then this surely is a momentous event in the storied history of financial institutions.

I just need you to sign here, here and then here on your debit card application. Stroke it, big man! Stroke it. I will also need a minimum amount of twenty-five dollars to open the account. Did you want to go with regular or duplicate checks? And while I’m on the phone ordering them, point a steady finger to the color scheme you prefer. Slam it down, big man! What a superb showing of grace and power. Now please write down your PIN number in that box. That’s a thing of absolute beauty. Perfection. We welcome you with open arms. Remember that this is Chase Bank’s world, we’re just lucky to be living in it.

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Old Safe on Wheels for Sale

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Classified Ad — Week One

FOR SALE: Old safe on wheels. Locked and no combination — I’ve never seen inside it. Leaving the country and can’t take it with me. Buyer owns whatever is inside. Could be a pile of diamonds or could be nothing. Maybe gold bars. Sorry, no refunds. $10,000. Call Rob X3324.

Classified Ad — Week Two

FOR SALE: Big old safe on wheels. Locked! I don’t have the combination or key, and I’ve never seen inside it. Once belonged to my great grandfather, a popular French fur trader, so there may be some nice fur coats in there or stacks of money made in the fur industry. Buyer owns anything and everything found inside. Safe most likely crowbar accessible. No refunds. $9,500. Call Rob X3324.

Classified Ad — Week Three

FOR SALE: Big antique safe on really nice wheels. I don’t know the combination and the door is locked. My highly regarded archaeologist uncle died and left me the safe in his will. Priceless artifacts inside? A map maybe? Or perhaps the answer to all your financial problems? You figure out the combination and whatever’s inside is yours! No refunds. $9,350. Call Rob X3324.

Classified Ad — Week Four

FOR SALE: Beautiful antique safe on ivory-like wheels. Safe is locked and I don’t have the combination or key. Once belonged to my great-great grandfather who sailed the Caribbean and around Cape Cod as a savage, yet brilliant, pirate. Buy it and crack the code, and own whatever is inside! (When I roll the safe around on its super nice wheels it sounds like there are jewels bouncing around inside, but can’t say for sure. Could be pearls.) Absolutely no refunds. $8,000 OBO. Call Rob X3324.

Classified Ad — Week Five

FOR SALE: Beautiful antique safe on wheels so nice that they have to be worth at least $50 each themselves. Door is locked. I have never had it opened, but possess six-sevenths of a riddle that leads to the combination. My obsessive manuscript-collecting grandmother died and left safe to me, but I don’t have room for it in my car. Buyer owns riddle and whatever’s inside even if it is the first draft of Ulysses or The Great Gatsby. Sorry, no refunds. $6,500 OBO. Call Rob X3324 or email RGarrison@yahoo.com.

Classified Ad — Week Six

FOR SALE: Big old safe on wheels. Locked. No combination. Opened once but lost the key. Four dishwashing sponges still in package and very large amount of grocery plastic bags are inside. Make me an offer! No refunds. Call Rob X3324.

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