* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we feel perfectly qualified to dispense medical advice of the most impertinent and intimate nature, thanks to this piece by first-time contributor Ginny Hogan.

RE: Am I Having Enough Sex To Get An STD Test?

By:
ginny5hogan@gmail.com

Dear Ginny,

Thank you for your interest in receiving a test for sexually transmitted diseases with UCSF Medical Center. Unfortunately, at this time, we are not able to move forward with your STD test.

While we do not normally provide feedback for candidates, we wanted to offer some insight into our decision-making process. Due to cost limitations, we are only able to administer STD tests to candidates who fall under the umbrella of “sexually active.” Based on your reported sexual history, as well as the references we contacted, you are at no risk for an STD due to your very limited physical contact. We were able to verify that you have not had sexual intercourse in the last three years. In fact, we found no history of penetration, oral sex, tongue action, or mild flirting. We are unable to verify whether there was sexual contact prior to three years ago, but we would imagine that the answer is also no.

You requested an HIV test, but we are unable to administer this test to candidates who do not meet any of the risk factors for HIV. We have found that not only do you not have sex, but you also have not used any needles to inject drugs into your body; in fact, no one has ever offered you drugs of any type, and you do not know where to find them. If you did know where to find them, you probably would not be able to afford them.

You listed several instances of sexual activity, but none of these qualify you for an STD test. While we agree that making a Tinder profile does put you at a higher risk for an STD, we were able to confirm that you received zero messages from men. You did provide a specific example of a message you’d received on Tinder, but upon closer examination, this message was an advertisement for a personal stylist, which, after meeting you in person, we have to highly recommend that you consider trying. You also stated that you had been “dry-humped on BART,” but, after speaking with all potential dry-humpers, we concluded that the man who dry-humped you did not do so intentionally; it was simply rush hour. Furthermore, dry-humping does not lead to an STD, which is irrelevant, because you were not dry-humped. We understand that if a man had suggested having unprotected sex with you, you definitely would have agreed to it, but we cannot provide STD tests just because you would have been into the idea had it been available to you (which it isn’t).

We hope you understand that we cannot schedule you for an STD test at this time. We apologize — however, most people only want an STD test so that they can assure future sexual partners that they’re clean, and you are unlikely to ever be asked about this, so we don’t feel that bad. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors and hope you find a medical examination that fits you. We think you might find more success if you request an exam for diabetes and/or depression. We receive many applications from qualified candidates, and we have to prioritize to whom we administer the test. As it turns out, literally everyone is having more sex than you.

Best,

UCSF Medical Center

 

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