* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we like to think we hold you hostage in a pleasant way once a week. Say hello to Eric Hawthorn, whose first piece for this page reads like a Coen Brothers script. And we mean that as a compliment.

Ransom

By: ,

WE HAVE YOUR SON. IF YOU WANT HIM ALIVE PLACE $1,000,000 IN UNMARKED NONSEQUENTIAL BILLS IN A DUFFEL BAG AT THE HARBOR AT MIDNIGHT.

OR ELSE…

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WE STILL HAVE YOUR SON.

WE ASSUME YOU MISPLACED OUR FIRST NOTE AND THEREFORE COULD NOT FOLLOW OUR DIRECTIONS. YOU HAVE ONE MORE CHANCE. NO DOUBT THE LOVE YOU FELT FOR YOUR SON AS A CHILD ENDURES TODAY. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN YOU WILL PROMPTLY COMPLY.

$1,000,000. HARBOR. MIDNIGHT.

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WE WILL ACCEPT HALF A MILLION.

YOUR SON IS TROUBLED. WON’T STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS CHILDHOOD: NO NINTENDO, NO DOG, FEW FRIENDS. FORCED TO SHARE A BEDROOM WITH HIS YOUNGER BROTHER, WHO WHIMPERS IN HIS SLEEP. YOUR SON MAY BENEFIT FROM THERAPY.

$500,000. DUFFEL BAG. HARBOR. MIDNIGHT.

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE!!!

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You are bad parents. No wonder your son has wasted the best years of his life drinking Robitussin by the bottle and watching bad television, which he quotes to us incessantly. We can only take so many Adult Swim references in one day. We are prepared to kill him.

$100,000. Duffel bag. Harbor. Midnight. Continue reading

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