INTERVIEWER: Good evening, Mr. Sandwich.
LARRY SANDWICH: Good evening.
INTERVIEWER: How long have you been a health nut?
LARRY SANDWICH: Well, let’s see … as long as I can remember. And I can remember pretty far back, let me tell you. Hell, I remember the dinosaurs. Remember those? Huge gray nasty things with long snouts, always stealing your peanuts…
INTERVIEWER: Peanuts? I think you may be thinking of elephants.
LARRY SANDWICH: Is that what they were? I do remember thinking, “Why are all these dinosaurs here at the circus?”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me, Mr. Sandwich. Do you exercise?
LARRY SANDWICH: I’ll level with you, Steve. Can I call you Steve?
INTERVIEWER: My name’s Barbara.
LARRY SANDWICH: OK, Barbara. I’ll level with you. I’m a big proponent of visualization. I put on my workout togs — a tracksuit, tennis shoes, a sweatband — and I go into my den, and I light up a cigar, and I sit in my big orange beanbag chair, and I picture myself jogging. I can visualize for hours.
INTERVIEWER: You have a beanbag chair?
LARRY SANDWICH: Yes, an orange one. But, then, I’m an expert. If you’re just starting out, I’d recommend something less intense than orange, maybe a light green or a burgundy. After all, I don’t want people hurting themselves.
INTERVIEWER: Very prudent, Mr. Sandwich. Do you eat junk food?
LARRY SANDWICH: I do. Trying to do anything else with it is a fool’s game. When I was young and naive, I made a yacht out of Ring Dings. The thing sank like a brick. My wife, Bernice, went down with the damn thing. Always loved Ring Dings, the poor dear. The yacht was my anniversary present to her. More recently, I made a hat out of Twinkies, but a bird ate it.
INTERVIEWER: Were you wearing it at the time?
LARRY SANDWICH: I certainly was. I was walking along, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, out of the sky, nibble nibble nibble!
INTERVIEWER: Well, I’m sorry to hear that.
LARRY SANDWICH: Oh, it was a beautiful Twinkie hat. Just beautiful! In fact, I named it Bernice in honor of my dead wife. Now, alas, they’re both gone.
INTERVIEWER: You’ve had a difficult life, Mr. Sandwich.
LARRY SANDWICH: Yes, it’s been quite an ordeal. And mostly because I didn’t eat junk food. If I’d just gorged on those Ring Dings, my wife would be here today. And if I’d scarfed down those Twinkies, I’d never have had to endure the grief of having my favorite hat eaten by a sparrow.
INTERVIEWER: One last question. You mentioned smoking earlier. Isn’t smoking unhealthy?
LARRY SANDWICH: I’ve found that if you put the lit end of a cigar in your mouth and touch it with the tip of your tongue, it hurts a lot. I would say that doing that is not at all healthy. In fact, I’ve stopped doing it altogether.