* Welcome to The Big Jewel, your source for all things Bob. Who is Bob? Everyone. No one. Or perhaps merely the counterpart of author Doug Bond, who shows us an archetypal life story fit for the virtual age.

Bob’s Everlasting Life

By: Doug Bond

Bob checked in via AmnioGram


Bob passed his first stool on DiaperSwiper


Bob listened to the bedtime story Goodnight Moon Screensaver on his SpryPod


Bob lost Mayor status and got punched in the nose by a sixth grader for refusing to yield the four square court at Steve Zuckertwooglegatestube Elementary School


Bob’s enrollment in WispyCloud Computing Camp was terminated due to flagrant violations of the MyFrog user agreement


Bob developed early onset carpal tunnel syndrome and posted his X-Rays on Splinterest


Bob changed his avatar using Fake-ID-Me, enabling him to temporarily upgrade his account to PowerStalker on Sintendo’s SexParty (Turkish edition)


Bob cheated on his SAT’s using AnswerScan for Android


Bob almost scored a “nine” playing Spring Break with RackTrax


Bob joined 346,859 other Bobs getting “Completely Shitfaced” playing “Hey Bob!” on ChugChat


Bob proposed to Siri with a QR Code embedded in a diamond ring hologram


Bob disabled Siri’s GPS tracker


Bob added a couple kids on FamVille


Bob tagged himself by accident in a video with his neighbor Trudy on SkeevieTV


Bob changed his relationship status


Bob likes Porni


Bob was added to the “Loser’s Network” on Left’Out


Bob needs only two more missed payments to level on DeadBeatDad


Bob completely lost his marbles on InSanify


Bob was pinned to the “He Crapped his Pants!” Group at 1.800.Rehab4U


Bob added the ReaperMan playlist to his queue on iToast


Bob downloaded the apps MeetYourMaker and EnterTheKingdom


Follow Bob eternally @OurBobWhoArtInHeaven


Are You Sure You Want To Delete Bob?


Sent from Bob’s iPhone