*Welcome to The Big Jewel, where your anonymity is guaranteed. Unless you apply for a job with a certain group that shall remain nameless.

Application For Hacker Group Anonymous

By: David Beitzel

Step 1: General Info

Name: (Trick question)

Address: (Again, trick question)

Social Security #: (Seriously, we want that one)

E-mail: (jk; we got it when you e-mailed this)

Online handles: (Xbox LIVE gamertags are acceptable; AIM screen names are not)

Previous experience: (Please exclude successful rickrolls)

Education: (Note: online universities are not the “iVies”)


___ Asian

___ Other


Step 2: Questionnaire*

*In answers, omit as few vowels as possible and refrain from substituting numbers for letters. Only n00bs do tht. XP

Have you ever been convicted of a felony? (If less than 17 times, please explain)

Can you keep a secret? (If “No,” skip to Step 3)

# of times friends have referenced Hackers movie after finding out what you do: (If more than 0, please explain)

If you could hack into any desert island, what would it be?

Name three pieces of hacker pop-culture that do not contain Keanu Reeves.

How much does your grandmother brag about your “computer job?”

Have you seen The IT Crowd?

What are the three worst things about Internet Explorer? (Everyone seems to hate it, so we just play along and use Google Chrome, but we really don’t know why.)

Speaking of, can you help me Google directions to the nearest The Wall? I have a lifetime guarantee on some CDs I need to exchange.

Do you remember Bing?

Man, you’ve got to see The IT Crowd. Are they bringing that to America?

You work on computers, right? Could you take a look at my PC? I feel like it’s been really slow lately.

How many dozens of anti-virus programs is too many?

We need to know how much you know about how the Internet works. So hypothetically, say someone looked at YouPorn and then cleared his browser history. His wife wouldn’t be able to find it, would she? I mean, I’m cool, right?

Sooooo, would you happen to know where one could see those Scarlett Johansson pics?

Also there’s a gentlewoman whose name the fellas have been bandying about, a Kate Upton, I do believe. She seems like a real class act. Is there somewhere on this “Internet” where one might read more about her background, perchance?

And you said that that person from the previous question is cool, right? Like, even if they’re viewing some slightly “advanced” material?

Why do I keep getting all these e-mails for Viagra and something called Rod Rocket™?

Wait, are you going through my browser history right now? But I cleared that — I thought I was cool!

What do you mean that act is illegal in 47 states!?

Oh my God, you won’t tell my wife about this, will you? It’ll destroy my family. I can’t go to jail.

Okay, get it together, man. We can figure this out.

Seriously, you can keep a secret, can’t you? Don’t narc me out, bro. I know where you live. Wait, no I don’t! GO BACK AND FILL OUT YOUR ADDRESS SO I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!


Step 3: Please submit completed application to director@fbi.gov.


* Welcome to The Big Jewel, the Mordor of modern humor sites. This week please welcome David Beitzel, whose first piece for us is an homage to Gandalf the Grey and his new career in academia.

An Embittered Gandalf Fills In As A University Commencement Speaker

By: David Beitzel

Greetings, Class of 2011!

Yes, you are at the right commencement. I know you were expecting Daniel Tosh, but he had a prior engagement telling ethnic jokes at the Kennedy Center, so I trust you will indulge this simple old wizard.

For those of you who do not know me, I am Gandalf the White, Greybeard, Steward of Middle-earth and Leader of the Fellowship.

Surely, your class…Hey, no cell phones, please. Surely, your class will accomplish great things, as well. As an alumnus myself, I know some of the trials you face. Wizardry wasn’t my first choice of study — actually, it was architecture — but I’ve been doing pretty well for myself.

Maybe I didn’t get to design the Tower of Orthanc — no, they chose Morton’s Construction for that — but I did hold Narya, the Ring of Fire, one of the most powerful rings in Middle-earth. If anyone would like replicas for their class rings, I’ll have them available after the ceremonies. Just don’t get all fuzzy-eyed on Longbottom Leaf and give them to some Grey Havens nymph. What was I thinking?

Ahem. Where was I? Oh, right. The road I traveled took me to places I never dreamed of. When I was held captive by Saruman, days passed like weeks. His treachery was unthinkable and I didn’t know if I’d survive…Excuse me. Hey, Tri-Delts, can you stop texting for a second? I know you’re excited about the kegger, but this is kind of emotional for me.

Anyway, with the fate of our world hanging perilously on the whims of Fate, I thought back to my old consort Cirdan the Shipwright. He warned me of Sauron’s foul minions. He warned me of avarice that corrupted friendships. He warned me of dark powers that destroyed good men. He never warned me about the slash fiction, though. Come on, guys. “Two Beards, One Staff?” It’s time to grow up.

Believe it or not, you are this world’s future. I’m sure it was hard to imagine all those times you got a bad grade and thought you shall not pass. Heh. But here you are. And let me tell you, I didn’t think I’d make it when I faced the monstrous Balrog, flame of Udun…Seriously? A beach ball? I’m trying to tell a story here.

You know what? I’m done. I don’t need this. I pushed back a phalanx of orcs at the siege of Helm’s Deep, you little twerps.

You think I didn’t want to study drawing? I took a job that would pay the bills and, oh, I don’t know, help save the freaking world. Your generation thinks math is hard. You know what was hard? Dying and then navigating back to the mortal world.

Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatu! That’s the Black Speech, nerds. Mordor’s tengwar. But, yeah, that gen-ed requirement for a semester of French was such a bummer, wasn’t it? You ignorant little jerks, wasting your days downloading and rutting.

Well, you’re all Bachelors of the Arts now. I’m sure that will go swell.

Good luck with gas prices, suckers! You don’t need to fill up too often when you’re riding Gwaihir, Lord of the Eagles.