* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we still believe (along with Lord Acton) that power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Even when it's all just about a bake sale. Please welcome Daniel Moraff and his vision for a very unpleasant tomorrow.

Very Important Bake Sale

By:
daniel.moraff@gmail.com

To: <PARENTS – ALL>

From: Sydney Callahan <sydneycal24@hotmail.com>

Date: 7/28/2012, 8:07pm

Subj: Bake Sale (Sign-Up Sheet Attached)

Hey, all! Syd here. Now as we all know, our kids have been talking about those poor downtrodden Congolese in Social Studies. My Todd and some of his pals want to do a bake sale to help them out, and I think it’s just wonderful! I know it’s easy to get caught up in the rat race, but it’s super important that we take the time to think of others and chip in a few hours and a few marshmallow squares. After all, we have to support our kids!

Happy baking!!

— Syd

P.S. Your kids will bug you until you sign up!!

P.P.S. No nuts please!!

 

To: <PARENTS – ALL>

From: Sydney Callahan <sydneycal24@hotmail.com>

Date: 8/2/2012, 3:41pm

Subj: Bake Sale Follow-Up

Wow! Thanks to your hard work today, we raised over fifty dollars! Great work, all. Sadly, Todd tells me that the Congolese are still hungry and downtrodden and so on, so we’re going to need to try a little harder next week! It’ll mean a few more hours and a few more marshmallow squares; sign-up sheet is attached! Your children are under orders not to let up until every parent has done their share! Nobody likes a slacker! I hate slackers.

— Syd

P.S. We couldn’t do any of this without the parents. You all are the real heroes.

P.P.S. I think I pretty clearly said no nuts! When I find out who was responsible, there will be consequences!!

 

To: Sydney Callahan <sydneycal24@hotmail.com>

From: Frank Pendleton <fpendleton@gmail.com>

Date: 8/9/2012, 2:13pm

Subj: Bake Sale Follow-Up

Sydney, you sure do know how to run a bake sale! Your little volunteers literally would not let me leave until I bought some marshmallow squares! For a minute there I was almost frightened for my safety. Great job!!

— Frank

 

To: <PARENTS – ALL>

From: Sydney Callahan <sydneycal24@hotmail.com>

Date: 9/2/2012, 3:41pm

Subj: Fun idea!!

Me again! I know we’re all so proud of our kids for hosting nine bake sales in the past four days, but with all the prime-time advertisements and special sales-boosting tasers, we’ve been running a wee budget deficit. Fortunately, my Todd had just the thought on how to patch this up: another bake sale!!  We’ll probably have to move beyond the parking lot and maybe start selling hot meals and electronics and so on in addition to baked goods, in order to better support our kids. We’re going to need some seed money to make this all happen. Fortunately, I know some Congolese who owe me a favor!

— Syd

P.S. It’s probably best not to mention that Congolese bit to the authorities just yet.

P.P.S. No nuts please!!

 

To: Sydney Callahan <sydneycal24@hotmail.com>

From: Mayor Kevin Mackle <mayor@lexingtonma.gov>

Date: 9/4/2012, 2:13pm

Subj: Our Concerns

Ms. Callahan,

As the mayor of Lexington, I applaud the initiative of you and these children. However, my lawyers are nearly certain that bake sale operators do not have the power of eminent domain, and you cannot under any circumstances order small business owners to vacate their real estate holdings. Nor do we believe that private citizens should be trafficking in low-grade military technologies at this time. I sincerely hope it will not be necessary to involve the police.

— Mayor Mackle

 

To: <CONGOLESE – ALL>

From: Congolese State Police <police@congo.cd>

Date: 9/10/2012

Subj: Emergency Alert Bulletin

Congolese citizens are advised that only official government representatives are authorized to collect tax payments. Roving bands of second-graders in groups of three or more should be reported immediately to the authorities.

 

To: <EMPLOYEES – ALL>

From: Sydney Callahan <sydneycal24@hotmail.com>

Date: 9/20/2012, 3:41pm

Subj: Tragedy In Our Midst

I know we were all terribly saddened to hear of Mayor Mackle’s hospitalization. I just can’t imagine how he could have been so careless as to trigger his severe nut allergies. In any case, I’m certain the mayor will in the future be far more understanding of what we’re all about. Todd thinks we should raise funds to send him some nice flowers. What with all this space we’ve claimed from surrounding states, I think this could be our best bake sale yet!!

— Syd

P.S. I’ve been hearing some grumbling about the requirement that you all roll back your other employment- and family-based commitments to focus on producing marshmallow squares and patrolling your Responsibility Grids, and I’d just thought I’d remind you that thanks to the proceeds of the last bake sale, your kids have been equipped with truncheons. Bake away!

 

To: <SUBSCRIBERS – ALL>

From: Wall Street Journal Marketwatch Rundown <marketwatch@wsj.com>

Date: 9/22/2012, 6:38am

Subj: Your Daily Marketwatch Rundown

Kraft (NYSE: KFT) dropped another three points as unexplained fires continue to ravage the nation’s nut farms. In other market news, the Dow Index fell to record lows as the United States struggles with its shift to an entirely bake-sale-based economy.

 

To: <STATE RUN MEDIA – ALL>

From: Sydney Callahan <scallahan@bakesale.gov>

Date: 12/11/2014, 3:41pm

Subj: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hey, all! High Eminence Callahan here. I’m seeing reports that production is up 60% for military aircraft and 73% for scones, so super job there! We couldn’t do any of this without you subservient citizen-laborers, and you all are the real heroes.

Now, I’ve been hearing some rumors that some of you are “burned out” or “attempting to flee to some small corner where Sydney Callahan and her band of thugs may not hold sway.” Now, I know that all of us want to support our children and help the Congolese and keep our major limbs intact, so I’m sure these are just rumors!! Todd thinks we should still engage in another crackdown on those who flout the bans on non-bake-sale-related economic activity, though, and we have to support our kids! So long as they don’t undermine the bake sales, of course.

Anyway, just thought I’d remind you that supporting any government or militia that may stand against us is technically high treason, and that marshmallow squares come out just right at 375 degrees. Keep up the great work, and remember: the bake sale is all that matters.

— Sydney Callahan, Bake Sale Coordinator and Chief of Enforcement

P.S. No nuts please!

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