* Welcome to The Big Jewel, America's last tiny death rattle of authenticity. Not to go all movie trailer on you, but in a world where people who haven't written books are interviewed by people who haven't read them, Charlie Nadler stands alone. Mostly because he hasn't actually published his autobiography, so no news anchors could read it even if they wanted to...

Regarding My Upcoming Autobiography

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While I am loath to disappoint my beloved fans, I must be forthright regarding the plan for my upcoming autobiography. In light of the reported sales figures from last year’s Autobiography of Mark Twain, it has become apparent that the clear and obvious choice is to go ahead and hold off for at least a century before Charlie’s Autobiography goes to print.

To my potential publisher: There’s little doubt that adhering to this tested and proven marketing strategy will yield staggering results, financially speaking. That said, there are just a few matters that should probably be discussed before we move forward.

Firstly, I have not written an autobiography.

This, I’m sure, is but a small obstacle in the process of publishing my autobiography. Consider: Will future people still be reading long, tedious books that go on for hundreds and hundreds of pages? I contend that the answer is “probably not.” Given the ever-rising popularity of Twitter, perhaps it would be best if my autobiography contained no more than 140 characters? (To be clear: on this point, I do not bend — 140 is my max.)

Now, as I was interviewing my mother for information on my childhood, she made an interesting point: Mark Twain is considered by many to be one of the greatest writers in American history, and I have achieved virtually nothing with my life. Why do I not see this as a problem? Because we have one hundred years — plenty of time! — for me to achieve Mark Twain-level celebrity. Any and all ideas regarding this undertaking are welcome. (Just thought of an idea as I was writing this: what if I started a blog?)

Beyond Mark Twain’s status as a literary and cultural icon, it’s worth noting that he had the incredible foresight to change his name to one that would sound contemporary by the time of his memoir’s printing. Can you imagine, in 2011, Amazon selling out of a book written by someone named “Samuel Clemens”? Ain’t gonna happen. Similarly, the thought of reading the autobiography of someone named “Charlie Nadler” may sound just as absurd and offensive to someone living in 2111. But what if “Charlie Nadler” had changed his name to “Halatrix Omegacron”? Bam! Problem solved.

Just as Twain surely did 100 years ago before sitting down to write his book, we need to ask ourselves: what will people in 100 years be like? Will there still be people, or is it more likely that, following the inevitable onset of technological singularity, endlessly multiplying armies of cybernetic organisms will have seized control of the planet and eradicated all traces of organic life by this time? In order to tap into our future demographic, the story of my life needs to speak to the passions, interests and dreams of those still alive in 2111 — otherwise this puppy’s not gonna sell. To this end, I’m thinking that there should be at least some mention of my struggles as a cyborg assassin who’s repeatedly sent back in time to murder and/or protect future resistance leaders. Indeed, I would not be opposed to changing the title of the book from Charlie’s Autobiography to Halatrix Omegacron: The Life and Times of a Cyborg Assassin in the Post-Apocalyptic Future, or maybe Terminator 4. Should it become apparent that the fate of our planet will fall not into the hands of cyborgs but of conniving molemen, zombies, or genetically engineered alien-dinosaur hybrids, I’m sure that a quick “find-and-replace” can correct this miscalculation.

Speaking of editing, we all saw what happened with Huckleberry Finn (awkward!). You may want to consider preemptively removing any instances of the words “human” and “people” and substituting a likely derogatory slur for us that may be used in the future — something like “goonbags” or “cramblers.” Just trying to think ahead.

Finally, a note to my marketing department. While I can be somewhat flexible on the exact year of publication, I will insist that we aim to publish the book just before Father’s Day. Every dad loves a good autobiography.

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, which we are proud to note is read avidly even on remote planetary systems such as Dingus 7. So take that, Stephen "Xenophobia" Hawking!

Zurg Zang, Alien, Has Just About Had It With Stephen Hawking

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Dear Stephen Hawking,

Firstly, I hope that this is indeed your real Facebook page, sir, and that I am not posting on some imposter’s wall. I will attempt to be concise as I know you are a man who keeps his dance card full, as it were. Here on Dingus 7, approximately 13 billion light years from your planet Earth, my life would probably seem very dull in comparison to yours as I, Zurg Zang, am a simple being.

Now then, if I may address your new program on the Discovery Channel (yes, we get basic cable here). I understand you have long been preoccupied with aliens. While others might call such an obsession “creepy” or “weird and kind of childish,” I say “To each his own.” But you are not just preoccupied; you’re convinced that all extraterrestrial life forms are dangerous; you imagine planets with murderous, yellow reptilian creatures flying around feasting on bizarre animals all day. So my question for you is this: what’s your problem, pal?

Think about it, Stephen Hawking. Imagine that I decided to say to all the inhabitants on Dingus 7, “Hey everybody, I bet there’s a faraway planet somewhere full of dangerous humans with a bazillion guns and nuclear weapons who go around killing each other. Don’t contact them because they might not respond peacefully!” As it happens, this is already common knowledge on Dingus 7, but still — doesn’t feel so good, does it?

As to your absurd and amateurish depictions of aliens, I don’t know where you’re getting this stuff. Cliffs inhabited by flying, yellow reptilian predators? You portray nightmares! Visit our cliffs and you’ll find only the gentle dingatrons, our golden-scaled friends who keep to themselves high up in the stratosphere, coming down only to feed on the flesh of land-dwellers as their hunger/bloodlust dictates. You imagine our oceans seething with vast fleets of horrific fluorescent beasts, which is fairly accurate, and yet you utter not a word of our precious sea horses. That’s right Stephen Hawking; just like on Earth, our oceans are also home to millions of them — enormous, radioactive sea horses. Every third Dinguinox, we gather among friends and family; with the night sky illuminated by the constant bursts of gamma rays, we can see clearly as hordes of gigantic sea horses emerge from the oceans to devour the sacrificial offerings which we have so carefully prepared, turning to ash and shadows anyone who has disappointed them.

I could go on describing such charms of daily life on my planet, but one must experience these things for oneself to truly appreciate that Dingus 7 is not a place of danger, but of splendor. And so, without further ado, I extend this invitation on behalf the D7 Board of Intergalactic Tourism (of which I happen to be Vice President): make Dingus 7 the destination for your next vacation!

With enchantments for the young as well as the young-at-heart, Dingus 7 is the perfect place to bring the whole family. While you’ll be far from home, our ubiquitous fog will make you feel like you’re right back in England! (Fun trivia fact: Did you know that all fog on Dingus 7 is fully sentient? Technically a parasite, our fog subsists on brain matter, which it accesses through the eyes of its “hosts;” once infected, these hosts are reduced to blind, vacuous shells whose sole purpose is to serve their fog “master.”)

Think Dingus 7 is just for families? Not so! Couples come to enjoy the romance of the lava spas, the nightly excitement of the sandworm attacks, and the cuisine — which is remarkably similar to a traditional English breakfast.

What are you waiting for, Stephen Hawking? Message me back to start planning your trip to Dingus 7 today!

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Animals: The Way Of The Future!

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Every day, an animal is born on this earth. Many of us will go our entire lives without ever interacting with these mysterious beasts, but their swift advancement has nevertheless garnered the esteem of the world community. Today, even critics must concede: Animals are the way of the future!

Animals Are Strong, Courageous

The wilderness, which is the natural habitat of animals, is a very disorderly, undomesticated sort of place. Without the modern conveniences upon which humans have become so dependent, animals lead a rugged lifestyle that instills in them not only an appreciation for nature and the outdoors, but also the sharpened instincts and enhanced features necessary to succeed in the future.

Of these various features, perhaps the most remarkable is their unparalleled physical strength. A strapping physique is imperative as it allows the animal to effectively defend his or her property. (Consider this: Animals possess the strength of apes, and they don’t even go to the gym. Just imagine what they could accomplish if they had personal trainers — which they undoubtedly will in the future!) Along with having great strength, it is necessary for animals to be courageous; otherwise they would constantly become frightened by bears and crocodiles. Courage with strength to match is the way of the future; therefore, so are animals.

Animals Do Not Have To Answer To God

Man, who was created in the likeness of God, ultimately has to answer to his creator. On the approaching day of the rapture, the pious and the sinful will depart on (very!) different paths, but the godless animals will remain here on Earth. With all of humanity out of the picture, animals will undoubtedly seize command of the planet. It is difficult to say whether this “animal kingdom”? will be ruled with style and sophistication, or whether the earth will descend into a cesspool of perversion and debauchery, similar to what happened with the dinosaurs. In either case, animals will have proven that they are indeed the way of the future!

Animals Have Probably Already Been To The Future

This is more of a personal theory, and I am (technically) not an expert on the particulars of time travel, but it strikes me as naive to assume that a species as accomplished as the animal will never ascertain how to complete a simple trip through time. It is important to remember that if future animals achieve time traveling capabilities, they have likely already traveled back in time to visit with past animals and impart their knowledge of the future — including the particulars of time travel. Furthermore, because animals do not speak or wear clothes, there would be no way to differentiate a future animal from an animal of the present. (The obvious exception here would be if a future animal were to encounter its past self, or vice versa — in which case the space-time continuum would be destroyed.)

Now that it has been established that animals have been to the future, surely it follows that they are also the way of the future.

Animals Look/Act Futuristic

Especially their eyes, if you take their picture or shine a flashlight on them at night.

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