* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where every reader is a potential target. And we mean that in a good way. Assuming that Google ads that are way too personal are good. This is Casey Rand's first piece for us.

Hyper-Targeted Google Ads

By:
casey.rand@gmail.com

Get 15% Off A New Car

Dump that old clunker, Gary. Everyone knows the bumper is loose because you backed into Fletcher’s Bimmer in the company parking lot after one too many bottomless refills on Mojito Monday. Also, your haircut isn’t working. 0% APR !

 

Make Millions From Home

Wouldn’t that be nice, Sandra? Some extra cheddar to pad your Hilfiger wallet? Hell, you could buy a Chanel wallet with that kind of dough. You could buy a Chanel wallet AND still afford the little procedure you’ve been contemplating. Think about it, Sandy. Think about how Kevin will look at you. Like when you first met. At the Dairy Queen on 5th and Wisconsin. In 1987. At 5:32 p.m.

 

Supersize Your Brand!

Let’s cut right to the chase, Dave. How long have you been brand manager on the new passion fruit-banana yogurt flavor? And how has it been performing? Exactly. Do you want Vermont to give your job to that self-important Middlebury kid with the cultivated bedhead and affected South African accent? Click here now.

 

Luxury Vacation Giveaway

Boy, could you use one of those, eh, Patty? All that stress with the divorce and the relapse? And then losing the kids to Herman and his Westchester Barbie girlfriend with the platform shoes and sun-dried cleavage you glimpsed through the trashy V-neck she wore to the hearing? Maybe you’ll meet someone new in one of our four lavish discos!

 

Your College Degree Is A Click Away

Listen up, Glenn. If you act fast, Jennifer will never find out you’re not actually a tenured classics professor who “took advantage of the volatile housing market,” but a small-time crook who’s been squatting in a model home and wearing ill-fitted suits lifted from the neighboring dry cleaner. Enroll today.

 

Everything You Need For Your Wedding

Well, not everything, are we right, Lizzie? Realistically, we can’t give you reassurance that Roger will snap out of this delusional artistic phase and go back to his finance gig. But to be fair, that was already an issue when you accepted his proposal, so really, it’s nobody’s fault but your own. If you need centerpieces, you know who to call.

 

Meet Hot Singles In Your Area

Admit it, Baxter. You’re a dog. Your wandering eye could blow a fuse on even the most sophisticated optometric device. If they have fuses. We can’t be sure. What we can be sure of are the 11 beautiful ladies in your geographic vicinity right now. If you’re worried about Tina finding out, get over it — she’s boning that Puerto Rican dude from the Thai place.

 

85% Off Laser Hair Removal

There’s no easy way to ask this, Linda, but what’s with the mustache? It’s one thing to have a few downy strays, but last week an Air Canada flight crashed into the Sears tower after mistaking your upper lip for the tarmac. That’s why we’re giving you this exclusive deal. As a courtesy, we pre-booked two appointments and ran the dates by Mr. Saunders. He’s totally cool with it.

 

Learn Greek In 10 Days

Not to alarm you, Brenda, but last year there was a string of unsolved murders in the small Hellenic village you plan on visiting exactly two weeks from today. The killer is still on the loose and targets Jewish-American women from Long Island who speak little to no Greek and have tiny dolphin tattoos behind their left ears. Just saying.

 

Share