Dear Future Matt

By:

Friday

Dear Future Matt,

How are you? Wow. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since Youth Group Retreat, when Rev. Mark asked you to write a journal to yourself one year in the future. If you don’t remember, Youth Group Retreat was amazing. Rev. Mark planned a lot of fun activities, like Bible Jeopardy, Prayer Circle, Team-Building and Scavenger Hunt. They all ruled. Everyone was really nice, especially Josh and Tim, even though they play football. What am I saying? You guys are probably best friends by now. Nice job.

I’d also like to congratulate you on the one year anniversary with new girlfriend, Leslie Springer. It’s weird how you met at Youth Group Retreat and how she was really hot and popular and you were more big-boned and intellectual but still, you two totally fell in love. You guys are probably reading this together, laughing about how everything is so awesome. Which reminds me: As you are most likely a wonderful lover and this letter is kinda long, go ahead and take a sex break. Glad everything is so awesome.

Your Self,

Matt

* * * * * * *

Saturday

Dear Future Matt,

How are you? Man, it’s a good thing you, Tim and Josh are such good friends now. You might want to jokingly remind them about how, one year ago, they wouldn’t let you join their Team-Building team. But it was probably some sort of secret test, to see if you would be all like “whatever,” which you were.

You also did awesome at being “whatever” when Tim let you fall during an impromptu trust fall and then high-fived Josh. Perhaps you somehow knew that in the space of a year, you would lose 50 pounds, have that growth spurt and take his place as football quarterback. And now when you let a water bottle trust-fall onto the ground, you trust he’ll pick it up.

You may not remember this, but you smoked fools in Bible Jeopardy. Rev. Mark was really impressed but no one else gave you props, not even your future lover Leslie Springer (a current embarrassing fact for her, I’m sure). But when Rev. Mark broke out the guitar and asked if anyone knew how to play, Josh played pitch-perfect J. Mayer and you heard Leslie Springer say, “OMG. He’s so cute.” That’s ironic now, because Leslie Springer is yours (YOURS) and remains faithful even when you’re busy touring with your platinum-selling emo band. It’s so cool how she understands, but I’m sure your first hit, “Hey There, Leslie Springer” didn’t hurt (and also, sex breaks). Glad everything is so awesome.

Your Self,

Matt

* * * * * * *

Sunday

Dear Future Matt,

How are you? You are probably laughing right now, remembering the one year anniversary of the most ironic day of your life.

If you remember, at morning prayer circle, you just happened to be holding hands with Jessica Bramford, who was right next to Leslie Springer, and told Leslie Springer that you had sweaty palms and also smelled. It’s cool that you have no hard feelings. Besides, she probably apologized sometime before she died of that aggressive leukemia. No worries.

It’s also ironic that one year ago, your future best friend Tim decided to ransack your Star Wars sleeping bag in the middle of the night and give you pink belly in front of the entire Youth Group Retreat. And when you were not, I repeat, not crying on the floor, Rev. Mark told you to stop embarrassing yourself. I’m sure this is all ironic now because as everyone found out, Tim is secretly gay with Rev. Mark and they give each other pink belly every night. Who saw that coming? Answer: you did. But it’s cool you’re all “whatever” about it and are still friends. Nice job.

It’s also ironic that during scavenger hunt, you found the following: a green bench, a basketball, Tony’s Pizzeria, a blue dumpster, Josh and Leslie Springer making-out and a giant tire.

I’m sure this is such a minor bump in the road that you probably don’t even remember, but you kind of lost it and called Leslie Springer a “whore.” And then she said, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last guy on earth” which, at the time, really seemed like a road block to your future happiness.

But who would have guessed that every guy on earth (including f-ing Josh) would be made infertile by that freak testicle virus? Everyone, that is, except you. Nice job. So, for the future of humanity, you two better take another sex break. Glad everything is so awesome.

Your Self,

Matt

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A&F Specialty Destroyed Pants

By:

Dear Popular and Beautiful Abercrombie & Fitch Customer,

Our records show that last year, you purchased a pair of Abercrombie & Fitch “destroyed pants.” We hope you are enjoying our subtly scarred handcrafted abrasions, over-worn fading, unique paint splattering, holes, and other designer damage inflicted on an otherwise perfect pair of jeans/khakis.

Because of your discriminating tastes, we at A&F would like to give you a heads up on A&F’s 2008 “destroyed pants” fashions. This year, we’re taking a different approach. Our vision for the “destroyed pants” line was for customers to look like they lived more adventurous lives than they really did — lives that destroyed pants.

For our 2008 line, A&F is taking that concept one step further. We are proud to introduce our limited edition specialty “destroyed pants” line: pants destroyed by actual previous owners!

Panhandle Pants:

Pants previously worn by homeless people. Never say “Get a job” again. They work for A&F now! Pants are individually decorated with a collage of wine stains, charcoal marks, patches and newspaper insulation. Also available in vintage “Hobo” edition. Note: No homeless people were hurt in the making of these pants.

Pant-aloons:

Pants previously worn by a nineteenth-century dandy. The fabric is worn down by a life of extreme leisure and decadence, mainly by long bouts of sitting, intense revels, cucumber sandwich stains, rambling walks on treacherous country estates, and of course, scuffles incited by ribald witticisms. These are hazards that come with having no profession, other than elegance (sound familiar, A&F customer?! J/K).

Cargo Pants:

Pants damaged in the transportation of goods, previously worn by Sherpas and/or Peruvian drug smugglers.

Cross-the-border Pants:

Why let illegal Mexican immigrants be the only ones on the cusp of “destroyed pants” fashion? Pants damage includes those abrasions acquired from traversing the American border, jumping over fences, hiding, forged-paper-ink stains and menial labor wear-and-tear. Note: All A&F buyer transactions were done through proxy with no actual knowledge of the wearer’s legal status.

Pant-ies:

Pants previously worn by people who wore them as underwear. Stains include everything that could happen when you do that.

Pants-a-la-Codpiece:

Pants damaged by being worn with a codpiece. The codpiece and pants’ fabric have fused, giving you that “bulgy” look (not that you would need it, young and virile customer!). Pick retro-codpieces circa fifteenth or sixteenth century, or the “millennium line,” which features the David Bowie codpiece (large), the Batman codpiece (medium) and the Barry Bonds “cup” codpiece (small and extra-small).

Land Mine Pants:

…which are more like shorts. If life gives you lemons, create lemonade! If life gives you land mines, create summer fashions.

Dress-Pants:

Regular pants that were damaged in their early years by being raised as a dress.

Trouser-Pants:

Pants previously worn by citizens of Britain. Damage includes anything that would befall a citizen living in the world’s fifth-richest country, mainly from standing in a “queue,” getting hit by a “lorry,” or smoking “fags.”

Hammer Pants:

Pants previously worn by MC Hammer, while being beaten by debt collectors with an actual hammer. Note: Hammer didn’t hurt them.

“Emperor’s New Clothes” Pants:

Pants previously owned by an emperor with a keen eye for fashion. Pants slightly damaged by time, but otherwise in impeccable condition. Note: The pants are invisible to people who are stupid, ugly and/or unfashionable. But for a mere $425, these pants will ensure that you’re not one of those people!

“Pants” Rowland Pants:

Pants previously worn by “Pants” Rowland (1879-1969), a seminal figure in minor league baseball known for his drunken temper and outlandish grass stains.

“Ants-in-your-pants” Pants:

Pants previously owned by a colony of ants. Pants damaged by a network of awesome tunnels and scattered mandible bites. Warning: Pants may contain intact egg horde and several worker drones. Vigorous dancing and shaking is recommended.

That concludes the A&F 2008 line of limited edition specialty “destroyed pants.” Thank you for living the Abercrombie & Fitch lifestyle. We hope you enjoy our dedication to high-quality, casual luxury clothing.

Sincerely,

Abercrombie & Fitch

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