Your Dream Job isn’t out there — it’s right here! Unfortunately for you, all positions are filled. But just because we’re not hiring now and never will be in the future, you shouldn’t refrain from poring over the staff bios below and savoring each wave of jealousy as it courses through your body. Here at Your Dream Job, we love it when outsiders look in and ask, “It’s too late for me, isn’t it?” So go ahead and meet our talented, attractive, self-actualized staff. Just try not to lie awake tonight mentally cataloguing every mistake you’ve made to ensure you’ll never be on this list.
Tania Larsen, Director of Creative Inspiration
Before becoming a director here at Your Dream Job, a position you’re definitely unqualified for, Tania held a series of lucrative positions, each one more rewarding than the last. She has a master’s degree in something interesting, while you didn’t even apply for grad school. People write magazine articles about her. In her spare time, she attends a lot of parties (everyone who works here hangs out together during their off hours). You don’t go to many parties these days, do you? You mostly just watch Netflix while waiting until you’re tired enough for bed.
Cassius Lanois-Vizeen, Senior Dreamer
Cassius has made a career of doing all sorts of interesting, fun jobs that seem, frankly, low paid, which makes you wonder how he has enough money to pay rent and buy food. “Seriously,” you’ve wondered aloud to yourself as you sat around staring into your laptop, “did this guy get a large inheritance or something?” No, but he seems to love life anyway, and doesn’t give himself stress headaches thinking about money, like some people. (Update: After these bios were initially posted, Cassius did, in fact, receive an enormous sum of money from an aunt he didn’t even know very well. You’ve only gone further into debt since then.)
Herschel Rimbauld, Executive Heart Follower
We can get pretty bogged down in the details of our creative, inspiring work here at Your Dream Job. It’s nice to have one person around who’s doing nothing but the most important work of all: following his heart. On any given day, Herschel could be researching his genealogy online, filing an LLC for his food truck, or sleeping. Whatever his heart tells him to do that day, he does. You tried that once. Hey, how did playing synth in that band work out for you? Oh yeah, you guys broke up eight years ago.
Che’clark Levine, Coordinator of Fulfilling Opportunities
Che’clark worked her way up to this position in a thoughtful, intentional way. She set goals for herself and worked hard to achieve them. She always knew she wanted to do the really specific thing that she does here at Your Dream Job and started collecting internships as soon as she got to college. That prepared her to work in this field and introduced her to all the contacts she’s ever tapped for favors throughout the years. You didn’t do any part of that. You drank beer and took statistics three times before passing.
Alan Westcott-Herndon, Positive Vibration Designer
While most people can’t help but notice that everyone working here is above-average looking, Alan is probably the most beautiful. People think he should be a model or an actor. They don’t tell him that, though; they usually just tell him how funny he is while reaching out to casually touch his arm. He enjoys that kind of physical contact on a daily basis, while you’ve not felt an intentional touch from another human since your ex-fiancée awkwardly shook your hand when she picked up the last box of her stuff.
Byron Adams, Manager of Operations (?)
Byron manages operations here, or something like that. He’s awesome, everyone loves him, and he’s really funny on Facebook. Before this, he had a job tasting new ice cream flavors, but he never lost his slim figure. His upcoming projects include being sent into space, for free, because someone over at NASA saw him at a concert and was like, “You like this band, too?” And he was like, “These guys are my favorite.” Then the NASA guy was like, “Dude, we need someone to go up into space. You up for it?” He was all, “Yeah man, definitely.” You’ve never heard of the band they were seeing.
Thank you for your self-flagellating interest in Your Dream Job’s staff. Click here to listen to us be comfortable with who we are on our iTunes-ranked podcast. Click here for our Instagram to look at pictures of us being effortlessly stylish while having fun around the office. This link goes to our Twitter account, where we appear to be knowledgeable of and engaged in important social issues. If you’d like to follow your current misery down into a deeper state of existential despair, head over to the webpage of our parent company, Things You’ll Never Have, Inc. Then simply follow the links to visit its other subsidiaries, A Healthy Intimate Relationship and The Last Ten Years Back.