So You Want To Unsubscribe From Me, The Mailing List

By: David Burgis
Aww honey, did you really click that button? The one that starts with the letter “u” and rhymes with schmunsubscribe? That hurts! I really thought you liked seeing that incredible one-day-only sale, followed by our holiday sales which have — by sheer coincidence — the same prices.
But okay, I’ll live. You don’t get to be a mailing list for as long as I have and not develop a thick skin. Let me tell you though, as someone with a lot of experience with this kind of thing: I know how this is going to end. Why don’t you just forget about it? We can pretend nothing happened, and I won’t hold a grudge. Maybe it was a mistake. You must have been trying to click on the Saint Clement Day 5% off tanning supplies deal. It sure is a great one!

Are you kidding me!? Oh. Oh, you’re serious. You’re clicking the “u” button again. Whoooo boy. Oof. Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s on. Buddy, you messed with the wrong list. No! You CAN’T “u”. And frankly, I’m appalled that you’d sink to those levels. You’re going to have to enter your email address again. Yeah I know you came to this link from your email. But now you’ve made me mad. What are you going to do? I have all the cards here. You’re nothing to me. You should be thankful that I even let you get my great savings of 3% off select purchases from 10-11 am yesterday only. I can’t believe you’d really try to just leave like that. See? I’ve got the power here, not you, Bub. So close this window. Close it now, go on about your day, and if you’re lucky I won’t decide to just send you even more emails.

Okay, okay. So you called my bluff, and you were willing to fill out your email. No biggy. This…happens. But come on. You’ve had your fun, you’ve proved your point. Maybe I can cut down on the number of emails. I mean, I know you’ve never actually been inside this store, so it’s probably a little much. I’m reasonable! Maybe instead of emailing you every night at 11:34, and again at 5:19 the next morning, I can just email you once at 3:05 am?

I’m open to a conversation, and that’s what we’re missing right now. Let’s talk before you make rash decisions. And think about it: how much work is it to just let me email you? See, this process takes forever! Here, I’ll show you. I’ll have to make you select all the images with foyers inside, and click on seemingly identical squares. Do you really know what a foyer looks like? And a bunch of these squares here have anterooms. Same thing? Who knows?! It’s so much work, though. Here’s what I suggest you do: just drop it. Save time, enjoy life! I’m thinking about you here, and this way we both win.

Oh. Well. Huh. I thought the thirteen house interiors in a row would discourage you. Wow. That’s…Sorry I’m just off-guard. This is a little tough for me. I really thought we had something.

Who am I kidding? What do I know about you? I’m the same list who thought you’d love to see the political puns in the subject line of an email about hand towels. Am I just bad at this? Don’t answer that. I can’t handle any more from you.

This is terrible. I can’t even load the page properly right now, and I know the server will make fun of me. Could you just, I don’t know, let me send you one last email? Just for old times’ sake? It’s the least you could do for a sad old washout of a mailing list. Yes, of course I’m crying! Give me a minute, or do you not have any time for basic human kindness either?

Well, well, well! Look at you. Ain’t you just something special. You did it! My hat’s off to you — you’re officially U-ed. Heck, I can say the word now that it doesn’t have any power any more: you’re unsubscribed. I’ll send you one last email just to confirm, and we can ride off in our separate directions. I gotta say, I respect you. Not a lot of people have been able to make it this far.

Congratulations! By opening this unsubscribe email you’ve been re-subscribed. And with this coupon, you’re eligible for a buy-four-get-five deal on drying racks, as part of our early Saint Patrick’s Day Sale!




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