Schadenfreude Dreamin’

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1945: Steve Martin born.

1950: Steve Martin plays small kiddie comedy clubs in southern California.

Dave Martin born with lifelong five-year handicap.

1962: Steve Martin hones comedy craft by performing magic shows in local amusement parks.

Dave Martin experiments with various rude body noises and finds whoopee cushion hilarious.

1972: Steve Martin achieves initial success as standup comic. Begins to perfect famous “Wild and Crazy Guy” routine.

Dave Martin explores the comedic possibilities of beer drinking, dope smoking and class cutting at small liberal-arts university.

1978: Steve Martin becomes national humor phenomenon with two best-selling comedy albums.

Dave Martin experiments unsuccessfully with anti-comedy by taking job as a computer programmer.

1979: Steve Martin achieves cinematic fame by writing and starring in the comedy hit The Jerk.

Dave Martin achieves inadvertent local fame in movie-theater ticket lineup by asking cashier for “Two for The Jerk.

1981-91: Steve Martin cements movie stardom by writing and starring in series of comedy hits including All of Me and Roxanne, and culminating in L.A. Story.

Dave Martin takes position with federal government in ill-advised attempt to mine comedic possibilities of large bureaucracy.

1998: Steve Martin exhibits Renaissance-man traits with publication of Pure Drivel, a collection of wry humor pieces.

Dave Martin publishes first of series of self-deprecating, true-life humor pieces in local paper.

2003: Steve Martin hosts Academy Awards show for third time.

Dave Martin deliberately searches out painful situations in desperate attempt to inspire more self-deprecating humor pieces.

2005: Rumors surface about Steve Martin’s secret drinking.

Dave Martin publishes first non-self-deprecating humor piece, a clever reworking of Aristophanes’ The Birds using characters from The Simpsons.

2006: Steve Martin busted in midnight cocaine sting at his Hollywood mansion.

Woody Allen writes Dave Martin congratulating him on his “brilliant” first novel, a wry, humorous look at life in a government bureaucracy.

2008: Steve Martin checks in to Betty Ford Clinic for various dependencies.

Dave Martin’s first novel optioned for the screen. Publication of several short humor pieces in well-known magazine yields critical acclaim, including a review in the New York Times describing him as “the next Steve Martin.”

2009: Steve Martin gambles away entire fortune, including expensive art collection. Takes up residence in East L.A. flophouse.

Dave Martin produces and stars in two hit comedy films, both of which gross $800 million, breaking all previous records.

2011: Entertainment Tonight airs 30-second segment titled “Whatever Happened to Steve Martin?” Answer: Not sure; can’t locate him.

Dave Martin takes over from retiring Jay Leno as host of The Tonight Show.

2012: Steve Martin found in wino park in San Francisco, face down in pigeon droppings.

For first-anniversary show, Dave Martin brings on Steve Martin as special guest to honor him for his years of “service to comedy.” Steve Martin kills Dave Martin in fit of jealous rage.

2013: Steve Martin sentenced to life in prison for killing beloved humor icon.

Extra bust added to Mt. Rushmore to honor Dave Martin, America’s “King of Comedy.”

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