Hi, kids, I’m glad you’re still up. What’re you watching? Leno? I hate Leno. Anyway, where’s the little one? Well, go get her, too; I have something to tell you all.
Kids, no one can ever replace your father. No one. Do you understand me? You only have one father, and he is gone to Florida with his new fiancée with the oily skin. No one can ever replace him. But this is my new boyfriend Bill, and I’d like him to be the one to replace your father.
I met Bill a few hours ago, at Stages. As you know, tonight was “Ladies Get in Free Night” until 10, and I got there at 10:08, and the bouncer was all, “Oh, now you have to pay.” So while I was arguing with him — I was parking, I mean, God — Bill here stepped up and offered to pay my cover. I knew right away he was a keeper.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, kids, but before I brought him back here I asked him some pretty tough questions, questions I thought might reveal his true personality and character. I found out some really great things, like — you’ll love this, kids — Bill actually played minor league baseball for some years. How many years was it, Bill? Two? Two and a half?…Two. Two whole years in Trenton on a farm team. Your father never got paid to play anything. So there’s one reason why he should replace your father.
Any other points you want to make, Bill?…Well, kids, now Bill is claiming he can take your daddy in a fistfight. I don’t know about that, Bill. Their daddy is 6′ 2″ and in pretty good shape. I’m not saying Bill couldn’t beat up your daddy, kids — I don’t want to contradict him in front of you, since we’re trying to present a united front as parents, here — I’m just saying we’ll never know until we watch them go toe to toe, punching each other.
I should also mention that Bill is quite the kisser. Although we haven’t gone all the way around the bases, we did engage in a passionate make-out marathon in his pick-up truck for about half hour before we came inside to talk with you. Based on that experience, I expect him to be a great lover. I will let you know shortly. Now, I realize this isn’t a direct benefit to you, but in deciding whether or not to accept Bill as your new father, you should take this into account: if I am in a better mood because of the erotic pleasure Bill dishes out, then I’ll be kinder to you. Maybe I’ll surprise you more often with trips to Pizza Hut, or let you turn on the hose in the backyard when it’s hot. All the things we used to do sometimes back when you had a father who was in the house and sleeping with me.
What’s up, Bill?…Ah, Bill is rethinking his wager that he could punch out your dad. Kids, I want you to pay attention, because Bill is showing humility. That is a quality to be admired. He is admitting a weakness to you. That takes courage. He is saying that he has a problem challenging six-foot-two, athletic men in fistfights. Although no one can ever replace your father, Bill is absolutely trying to do so. And I am rooting for him to succeed.
Now, I should observe here that Bill does not work. Please don’t ask Bill if he works because he does not work, and he does not like talking about not working. Bill! does! not! work! Nod if you got that. Okay, so that means he won’t be able to buy your love like most replacement daddies. Don’t expect Playstation 2 or X-Box. But that means you’ll get quality attempts to win your love, like Bill coaching your softball team or driving you to Cub Scouts. No job and no money means more time to spend with you guys, and I think we can all see the advantage of that. What’s that, Bill?…Okay, that’s fair, I should point that out. Kids, remember that sometimes Bill may parent you in less obvious ways. Maybe he won’t volunteer to coach your baseball team or drop you off at karate, but he’ll still be there, supporting you, like a dad should.
Make no mistake: Bill will never be your real father. He simply can’t take the man’s place, biologically speaking. He will try to act like a real father, though, and I will make you feel guilty if you don’t immediately accept him as a replacement father. I will expect you to call him “Daddy.”
No one’s trying to take the place of your real father. We only want you to love Bill and treat him like your real father who is replacing your real father, yet not the exact same person, but better in some ways than your real father. Do you understand?…I’m talking to the kids, Bill. I hope you understand that Bill will never be your real father, but for all intents and purposes he will replace your real father, to be loved by you as children love their father and to please me sexually as husbands please their wives, and ultimately to make us all forget about your real father who now lives in Florida with his oily-skinned fiancée.
So, kids, Bill is ready, willing and fully able to stay in our house, emitting the aura of a stranger while engaging you in awkward conversations. He will slip into the role of authority figure without ever earning your respect, but he will demand it, since he will be acting as your father. By no means is anyone trying to say your real father can ever be replaced. No way! Not at all! But as I say, I’m ready to replace your father completely. Are you?