New To The Internet, My Uncle Francis Naively Responds To Spam Comments Left On His Blog, “Frank Talk”

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Girish (erotic1mods@gmail.com): This post is awesome. I’m impressed by your style — experienced blogger, huh? Added your blog to my favs.

Hello Girish, thank you for your kind words! Hmm, “Girish” — is that Scottish, perchance? If so, let’s just say you’ve put my mood in the highlands! (Lol!) To answer your question: No, I am not an experienced blogger, but it’s very nice of you to ask. I’m also honored to hear that you’ve added my site to your “favs” (short for “favorites,” I assume, and not something weird like “fava beans” — not that fava beans would make sense in this context, of course, but you never know with some people!). Perhaps you can send me a link to this list of favs, since naturally I’m eager to see what other high-minded online venues I’ll be rubbing virtual elbows with! One question before I leave you: Where did you come up with your email address? It’s very chic, though slightly provocative, I must admit.

sohbet: Yeah, but never the less, I think this post is debatable.

Well sohbet, to quote Evelyn Beatrice Hall in her summation of Voltairian attitude toward free speech, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” (You understand I don’t mean that literally, of course — I’ve never even met you! — but hopefully you get the idea.) You see sohbet, my whole motivation for creating Frank Talk was to allow friends and family to comment openly and, well, frankly (wink wink!) on any topic they wished, without fear of judgment or reprisal. Thus, while you may very well refuse to accept my declaration that, in real life, Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls is actually one year older than Estelle Getty — God rest her soul — who played her mother on the show, I think you’ll find that the “Wicked Pedia” (haha!) will back me up.

Also, you know what’s funny? Your “handle” (that’s what they called ’em in my CB radio days — a “handle”) sounds like someone trying to say “sorbet” while biting their tongue! Who are your parents, ith cleam and fozen yoguht?!?

Seriously though, thanks for reading.

butt head: Do you fairly think this is news? I like and read your blog to get necessary information, but sometimes melancholy kills me.

I’m sorry Mr., err, head, but I just have to ask: butt head? Is that really the name you’ve chosen to represent yourself here on Frank Talk? Honest to goodness? Because I’d feel terrible if that was merely a typo on your part and here I was insulting you by calling you a “butt head,” when really you’re just a “mutt head” (dog lover) or “butter head” (blonde haired) or some such silliness. I think, to be safe, I better call you Winslow. So Winslow, to answer your question, yes, I “fairly think this is news.” Heck, it should go without typing 😉 that I fairly think anything posted on Frank Talk is news! I’d be curious to hear what you have against a second Facts of Life reunion special though. Seems like a no-brainer to me!

P.S. I’m sorry to hear about your evident battle with depression. Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I like to make some chamomile tea, throw on a Randy Newman record or three, and just relax with my Sudoku. You never know — maybe that will work for you, too. (And if it does, I think you know where you can come to talk about it!*)

*You can come to Frank Talk, if that wasn’t clear.

Cellulite therapy: Check out the cellulite remedies on this site.

I have to say, “Cellulite therapy,” that — although I appreciate your patronage — your recommendation that I “check out the cellulite remedies” on a certain website is a little out of place here on Frank Talk. First of all, I think some of my readers might take offense at the implications behind your comment — my sister Daphne, for one. I admit she’s had some success with her new RAW diet, but for the life of me I can’t figure out how repeatedly watching Eddie Murphy perform stand-up in a ridiculous leather suit can make someone lose weight. Anyhow, to get back to your comment, it shouldn’t really be news any more that those of us in the so-called bloggocircle (Is that the correct term? My nephew just taught it to me.) are prone to slightly heavier figures than our peers, given our natural passion for improving the world by commenting on it for hours on end while sitting in front of our computers eating Hostess Cup Cakes. To insinuate that we need a remedy for the battle scars (a.k.a., cellulite) we proudly bear from our keyboard war on depravity is not only thoughtless; it’s flat out rude.

Plus, the link to the website you’ve provided doesn’t even mention how you need to let the coffee grounds cool down before rubbing them into your skin. Do you know how hard it’s been having to blog standing up all week?

Shanda Dudley: duskish scandalmongering incremate presbytia rudderstock naphtha synchronizable rhine

Shanda, as the first person in my family to finish the unabridged version of Dr. Doolittle, I pride myself on being an educated man. However, I have to admit: your comment had me reaching for the dictionary more than once! Now, I’m not exactly sure how the spreading of darkly colored rumors might reduce the poor-sighted vertical member at the forward edge of a boat’s rudder to ashes, or how a colorless, volatile petroleum distillate might be coordinated in time with one of the most important rivers in Europe, but that’s not really the question here, is it? No, the question here is: Did you know your name is Yiddish for “shame” or “scandal”? Your parents must have had a weird sense of humor. Then again, I’m named for a Saint, and I think Susan Dunklemeyer, who sat in front of me in 7th grade study hall, would back me up when I say that I’m no saint! (Suzy, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry about your brother. But seven hamsters? What was he thinking!)

Penis Enlargement (sine@sinemale.com): Speech on the health of the male organ, exercises, male enlargement pills, anatomy of the woman, informations on sex, positions, health and much more. Visit: http://www.sinemale.com

I’m sorry Pe — uhh, Mr. Englargement, but you know the rules: Any gratuitous anatomical references in the Frank Talk forums must result in an immediate, automatic, and irreversible suspension from the site. Furthermore, I’m afraid I’m going to have to confiscate your speech too, so if you could go ahead and email that to me at your earliest convenience, we can end this unpleasantness as soon as possible. Also, if your speech has any photos or illustrations in it, you should probably highlight those pages in the table of contents, too.

God I’m lonely.

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