My Skateboarding Moves Have Evolved Over The Years

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The Boneless (old)

Ride with back foot on the tail, and front foot in the middle of the board. Slide front foot off the board and put foot on the ground. Jump up into the air with hand holding the toe rail and back foot still on the tail, raising front foot back on the board. Land, typically.

The Boneless (new)

Ride with back foot on the tail, and front foot in the middle of the board. Kick the tail up violently and plummet off the curb in a violent paroxysm. Vomit. Do a Google search: “pancreas burning sensation can they explode?” Throw skateboard into drainage ditch and proceed to IKEA because we just have to have that new trestle table.

The Ollie (old)

Bend knees and press down hard with back foot while lifting front foot. When the tail of the board hits the ground, jump off the front foot and lean forward, guiding the board forward and upward. Land, presumably.

The Ollie (new)

Buy new skateboard and commence shredding. Bend knees and succumb to shin splints, causing a damaging fall, a split lip, and a trip to the emergency room. Curse wife for taking car keys after coming home last night smelling like stripper perfume. Explain that “outings” at Rick’s Cabaret are often necessary steps toward procuring new clients.

Backside 50-50 Grind on Half-Pipe (old)

Ride up the transition and do a high backside kickturn before the wheels touch the lip. Raise upper body and turn. When the back axle touches the lip, stand upright and lift body over the ramp. Turn the board back toward the ramp. Land, occasionally.

Backside 50-50 Grind on Half-Pipe (new)

Ruminate on the once keen dexterity of youth. “Hey, I’ll buy you guys beer if you let me rip your half-pipe.” Sweet. Climb up side of ramp. Look over the edge and panic. Goaded by teens drunk on warm Mad Dog 20/20, I, also drunk on warm Mad Dog 20/20 attempt to drop-in and smash teeth on the side of the ramp. After convalescence, watch self on YouTube get peed on by drunk teens while knocked out from the fall. Embarrass son, who still sees fit to forward YouTube video on to friends and 3rd grade colleagues. Run over skateboard with Volvo. Call about the toilet.

Judo Air (old)

A difficult half-pipe maneuver. After grabbing the nose during a normal backside air, take foot off the board and kick it forward pulling the board backward while the back foot is still on the board. Land, once — when nobody was looking.

Judo Air (new)

What do you think this is, the X Games? I just came do a little “skate and destroy” while the wife is over at the Gap. “Hey, do you kids have any weed? No, you’re poseurs, you little Good Charlotte groupie punks. Give me that board.” Approach half-pipe. Flee at a full-sprint and hope the car starts. With new skateboard, advance to the E-Z-Pawn over by the Panda Express and get some spending cash in exchange for the board. I recommend the orange chicken. “What time is it? Oh, man. The wife is going to kill me.”

McTwist (old)

This crowd-pleaser is another aerial that is essentially a back flip, but while still rotating on one axis, perform a backside 540 while grabbing the toe side of the board with the front hand. Once attempted this maneuver off the diving board at the neighborhood pool using a kickboard and my swimsuit fell down mid-air, revealing my privates. I still have nightmares about this. “You ask a lot of questions, don’t you? No, just forget it, okay?”

McTwist (new)

At neighbor’s BBQ, tell wife — in a high-volume voice — that “the fire is gone” and that she has “turned frigid.” And there’s my friend Curt, who’s like, “That’s what you think, dude!” I could just kill him sometimes. Throw hot charcoal from the Old Smokey in Curt’s face (that’s one of those things where I overreact, but it’s because I’ve had probably like a million glasses of Chardonnay). Catch on fire along with Curt and force terrified guests to toss two grown men into the pool. Wake up nude and wet on new IKEA trestle table. I guess there is no real mention of a skateboard or even a kickboard here, but it really all goes back to the soul of skating, man. Don’t be such a poseur.

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