My Farewell Address to the City Council

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Honorable ladies and gentlemen, fellow members of the City Council, it is with a mixture of joy, sadness and sedation that I make my final address to you as mayor of Milkweed, Kansas. There is something to be said for seeing a project through to the end, but it’s also a blessing to know when it’s time to move on. Of course, few of us enjoy the convenience of having a massive recall campaign draw our attention to this fact. So, in light of our past history, I deeply appreciate the opportunity to offer these closing words — some would say “defense” — and I would raise my hand in salute to you, were it not for the handcuffs attached to the leg manacles.

My record speaks for itself and may be viewed in its entirety at the Topeka Court of Common Pleas, docket #7643. The list of my accomplishments is surprisingly long, especially considering my record-setting 17-day tenure. The sexual harassment suits; the nepotism; the “misappropriation of funds;” the Internet pornography scandal — these are just a few of the highlights. But from the moment I was swept into power on the heels of the previous administration’s Internet pornography scandal, I believed I would make a difference to the political landscape. Who could have foreseen that I would make a difference to the actual landscape by repealing all signage ordinances, so that now virtually every lawn features a rollaway placard with liquor specials? I guess politics is an art, not a science.

As you no doubt recall, on my first day in office I hit the ground running — from the Kansas Highway Patrol. However, my whirlwind visual survey of the city at speeds between 95 and 110 mph gave me a good overview of the job ahead. From my brief but memorable stay in the Milkweed city jail, I also gained some cost-cutting ideas in regards to staffing.

It immediately became clear that mine was destined to be an administration that didn’t conduct business as usual. What’s that? “Or any business,” you say? Thank you, sheriff. Yes, I was a leader who looked at problems and asked “What if?” and “Why not?” Such as “What if we got rid of zoning?” And “Why not rescind open container laws?” So today, a family in Milkweed, Kansas, has merely to walk next door to get a tattoo or work in the battery factory. While drinking a beer. And I’m the one in chains?

Was I not responsible for the more efficient use of city vehicles? By prepositioning our lone ambulance outside my house, I drastically reduced response times. Thank God my guests (and I) required only seven trips to the emergency room. Now that was a surprise, to be sure!

Nothing came as more of a shock to me personally than discovering my talent for bridge building. I’m sorry, what? No, not real bridges. I see that you’re laughing. Yes, reverend, I get the joke. What I mean is, I span the gaps between people, building bridges of understanding, love and respect. Who can deny that I brought together the most diverse group of religious, ethnic, civic and business leaders Milkweed has ever seen? All united to achieve their one goal: kicking me out. I hope you all rot.

Finally, one would say that it’s ironic that I insisted upon this final address to the City Council, a body that I tried to disband the day after my election. And I realize that when I did manage to attend a council meeting, all I cared talk about was NASCAR. So thank you for putting me at the top of today’s agenda. Personally, I would have saved me for the end to build up interest in the meeting, but still I see there is a packed house here tonight, along with a big showing from the FBI.

Oh, speaking of that, I want to address my record on public safety. Since my election, Milkweed has seen a 15 percent reduction in crime. My own. I just haven’t had the hours to fully devote myself to it. I could go on and on about this subject, but the U.S. Marshals are — okay, okay — they’re tapping their watches. So sayonara and God bless Milkweed! You weasels. As for my legacy, let’s let history decide, shall we? And the parole board.

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