Minutes Of The Meeting Of The Board (Børd) Of The High North Alliance

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Author’s Note: The website of The High North Alliance describes the group’s mission as follows: “The organisation’s objective is to protect the rights of whalers, sealers and fishermen…” We tracked down a copy of the minutes from a recent High North Alliance meeting.

HIS HONOR, THE CHAIRMAN brought the meeting to order. He described the crisis in international whaling — namely, that whaling appears to be totally irrelevant in the modern world. He presented to the floor the question, “Should we disband and find other work?”

THE ESTEEMED MEMBER FROM THE FAROE ISLANDS’ PILOT WHALER’S ASSOCIATION spoke at length, though in a language that others at the meeting could not understand. He smoked a corncob pipe.

THE VENERATED MEMBER FROM THE ICELANDIC SEAMAN’S FEDERATION reminded the group that, actually, whaling is still extremely important in some very, very powerful nations. The others in the group shouted, “Hear, hear” in different languages. A reporter from New Zealand asked, “Which countries, exactly?” The members of the council played deaf by signing to each other.

AN OBSERVER FROM THE UNITED STATES stated that his nation was once a great whaling center. As evidence, he brought up Moby Dick and Nantucket. Several other members rolled their eyes. The member from the Icelandic Engineer Officers’ Association rolled a cigarette with loose tobacco — several other members noted that most of his fingers were missing.

THE WELL-RESPECTED MEMBER FROM THE ICELANDIC MINKE WHALER’S ASSOCIATION stated that he, for one, didn’t really care that much about whaling because he could always make a living hunting reindeer.

THE FINANCIER OF THE ALLIANCE, SULTAN ALI BIN-ALI FROM SAUDI ARABIA, lit a $10,000 bill on fire. “I could buy your wife,” he said, when the member from the Organisation of Fishermen and Hunters in Greenland shed a tear as he watched.

THE MUCH-ADMIRED MEMBER FROM THE NORWEGIAN WHALERS’ UNION asked if any of the other members had work for him. “Anything,” he said. “I am so cold.”

THE REVERED MEMBER FROM THE ORGANISATION OF FISHERMEN AND HUNTERS IN GREENLAND grunted and started in again with the fable about how a powerful warrior shot the sun and harnessed it so man could use it (see Minutes from the previous board meeting for fuller description of the fable).

THE VALUED MEMBER FROM THE NORTH SEA FISHING BOAT OWNERS’ ASSOCIATION, who appeared inebriated, told the one about the time he harpooned a humpback just as it rose and sang its haunting song in front of a whale-watching cruise. The member from the Greenland Whalers’ Union laughed so hard he snorted water out of his nose.

THE TOLERATED CHAPERONE FROM GREENPEACE rose and said, “I can’t see why you think that’s funny. You just don’t get it, do you?” He was pelted with stale dinner rolls and sea lion jerky.

THE OFT- (AND UNJUSTLY) MOCKED MEMBER FROM THE INUVIALUIT GAME COUNCIL said he had recently heard that high rollers at Las Vegas casinos are known as “whales.” He said that, as far as he could tell, he didn’t think Greenpeace really cared about this kind of whale and that, as a result, it might make sense to start hunting them and selling their meat.

THE CHAIRMAN asked if that was allowed under international and maritime law.

MR. POTTER, ESQ., COUNSEL TO THE ALLIANCE, stated his legal view that, “It’s probably okay, but I’d have to have one of my junior guys do some research, but let’s just say it’s okay.”

THE OFT- (AND UNJUSTLY) MOCKED MEMBER FROM THE INUVIALUIT GAME COUNCIL said that the funny thing about his organization’s name, if you thought about it, is that it could easily be converted into an association that had something to do with casinos and that, therefore, it would make sense for him to be the one in charge of orchestrating the slaughter of rich men who play cards.

THE CHAIRMAN asked for a second.

THE MEMBER FROM THE NORWEGIAN WHALERS’ UNION seconded, in exchange for a promise of lutefiske for dinner from the member from the Inuvialuit Game Council. “That’s politics,” he said. “I scratch your back, you give me something to eat.”

The following resolution was passed:

RESOLVED: OUR MISSION WILL NOW BE TO HUNT BIG-TIME GAMBLERS. THE CHAPERONE FROM GREENPEACE WILL NO LONGER BE ALLOWED AT BOARD MEETINGS. NEXT ROUND OF HARD WHISKEY IS ON HIS HONOR, THE CHAIRMAN.

The meeting was adjourned.

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